Birthday party stress -advice please

[Eminybob]

Can’t sleep and am stressing about this.

DS is in reception at a lovely small school. He’s been invited to lots of birthday parties, all full class. I’m not sure if there have been any non full class ones that he didn’t get an invitation for though.

DS is a bit of an introvert and hasn’t always wanted to go along to the parties and hasn’t always joined in with everything. He’s getting better as times going on and is enjoying them more but it’s not his favourite thing to do.

He has struggled with friendships since staring school and has flitted from one group to another, but now has a couple of boys that he plays with more regularly. He’s just so shy, and outside of school barely speaks to other children. He’s also has had a few issues with his behaviour in school, as he has had tantrums in class so some of the kids have given him a bit of a wide berth for that reason.

Anyway, his birthday is coming up in July and he has said he doesn’t want a big party. Last year we had a BBQ with just family and a few of his friends he’s known since he was a baby. He wants to do the same again this year but invite a few of the boys from school as well.

I’m worried about what the etiquette is for this? Is it acceptable to go to all these other parties but not reciprocate?
Invitations usually go to the TA to put in book bags but I don’t want to look like a knob giving her just 4.
Plus there is always loads of chatter about upcoming parties on the class WhatsApp group, I don’t want people to feel excluded (I’m thinking parents here, the kids wouldn’t even notice let alone care I don’t think)
Plus also need to “save the date” and get the invitation out ASAP, but what happens if someone else chooses that date for a full class party as ours wouldn’t be common knowledge, that would put the few coming to ours in an awkward position.

And the few DS wants to invite might not even be the ones he plays with by then!

I’m probably over thinking this, there may have been loads of small parties we didn’t know about because ds wasn’t invited and there was no drama.

But I suffer from anxiety, really struggling myself with the social aspect of ds starting school, and playground politics and don’t want to do the wrong thing.

I know this is a stupidly long post stressing over a probable non issue but I can’t help it (think I possibly have undiagnosed PND since having my 6 month old and the anxiety I did have under control pre birth has gone through the roof - just to give a bit of context)

Aww, you poor thing, I must admit I get myself in a terrible state about my DD’s parties although I am normally quite a laidback person!

First off July is still quite a way away so I would give yourself permission to put this on hold until at least a month before (maybe even closer to the time) as he’s only wee and he might change his mind about who to invite or even what kind of party he wants.

Sendondly I think it is super unlikely that everyone has had whole class parties, do you really think you have been to the near-to 20 there would likely have been by now if everyone had done that, I bet loads of people had smaller ones for similar reasons to you or for financial reasons (also v understandable), anyone who found out and judged you for not having a whole class party would be a massive dick and the TA will not think twice about it. If anyone did say anything just tell them the truth ‘ds finds the big parties a bit overwhelming, we might do it next year if he’s more comfortable with the idea’.

Good luck and try not to worry too much, can guarantee no one else will give your plans a second thought.

I fully understand all your anxiety about this. I was also anxious....my DC are now 11 and 14 though so I can answer all your questions!

It's fine to just invite a few boys to a party at home.
It's fine to attend a full class party and not invite the child to your party
If you invite boys who accept your invitation...then it's accepted protocol for them to attend YOUR party....if a second invitation arrives for the same day then they should refuse that invitation.

Here's another bit of advice....wait until 3 weeks prior to the party before inviting anyone. Don't invite too soon or they can be forgotten.

You do you. Other people will have done similar birthdays and you won't have noticed because it was under the radar. Absolutely no point going to a heap of expense and stress for something your child will hate.
Agree with pp, do the invitations quietly a few weeks before and if anyone does comment, you just be honest and say "oh you know how shy x is so we're not making a fuss"

Could you get some numbers through arranging a few play dates before his party - might help him at school too. The summer is great because you can go to the park. You can then ring to arrange the party. Would you invite parents and siblings as well? Class parties calm down in yr1 and they aren't compulsory. Most parents are probably a bit sick of them too and unless he doesn't invite a good friend there is unlikely to be any offence taken.

Thank you so much for the replies and advice - I feel so much better. I actually fell asleep after posting, I think just getting it all out there helped!

It’s reassuring to know we can carry on with our plan.
I have suspected there have been other small parties as of course we haven’t been to anywhere near to the number of children in the class. I don’t know why I get myself in such a tizz. This whole school run mum thing is terrifying. Especially since I’m on mat leave so there every morning and afternoon.

The only reservation I have about waiting too long before sending invitations is we already have party invitations for into July. One actually on the date I originally would have had DS’s - I can change it but worried all the dates we can do will get taken by other parties first!

I have the WhatsApp contact details for the mums, do you think it’s worth inviting on there rather than paper invitations?

Give paper invitations...I stick them on the fridge and they're a visual reminder. You can follow up by WhatsApp if people are slow to confirm.