DP going back to education... Finances?

[Spaceunicorn6789]

Background, both of us currently work FT earning similar ish amounts. I earn £28K and he earns around £32K with overtime.

Been together almost six years. The flat we live in is solely in his name a she bought it when we had only been seeing each other for a couple of months. It was always on the radar to add me onto the mortgage but we genuinely never got around to it - not because he didn't want me on it.

So fat forward to now, DP is fed up of doing what he does and has applied to join the Navy as a trainee engineer and he has got in. Great I guess.

He will now earn £15K for three years until he is fully qualified and then will go back up to £35-£40K so this is genuinely temporary.

How is it fair to look at money going forward?! I'm happy to take on the bills but I begrudge paying his mortgage - the property is now in negative equity so I don't think it would be wise or even possible to add me on now?? So as well as his mortgage he is contractually obliged to live in halls at college which is going to cost around £600 a month. His mortgage plus his halls will be almost his entire salary so should I then be giving him some form of... Pocket money?! I don't want him to have nothing but similarly he has chosen to do this so I don't want to leave myself with nothing either, I work hard

Can anyone see any way of doing this in a fair way to both of us? I am happy to pick up the shortfall and thus was all discussed before applying but I don't want to spend three years completely broke so he can follow his dreams.

I don't want to spend three years completely broke so he can follow his dreams.

I don’t think you’re the one for him.

Can he not apply for student loans. Does he not get the minimum amount?

I don't think thats fair at all. Its a difficult adjustment to go from having a comfortable life with holidays, meals out etc to committing to three years with nothing spare for a takeaway, a holiday, a wedding, new clothes, haircuts etc. He is asking a big sacrifice from me which I am prepared to do but also deserve some degree of happiness whilst he's away for the most part of three years no? Or should I just stay in his flat staring at the walls awaiting his return?

I'm not sure about student loans, we're in Scotland and it looks like he Might be entitled to about £3000 loan but because it's a sponsored course I'm not sure if it is applicable and we won't know until he gets all his college paperwork through. That will cover some of his accommodation costs for the first year at least.

Are you sure he is your “d” p?

Yes I am sure.

Am I struggling a lot with this massive life change which means he will be moving to a city 6 hours drive away for three years? You're damn right I am.

Am I struggling with the fact that this puts marriage off the table until I'm 34, as well as children, dogs, moving into a house (we've outgrown this flat massively), weekends away, etc. At this point I'm not even sure I can afford to go to a concert in London with my sister that we got tickets for a year back.

As I've said, I am trying my best to support him but ultimately I have to do my best to make sure I stay happy for the next three years as well, or else this will never work. And I want it to work. I'm trying to look at this practically of how to support him through his studies but also ensure I don't end up resenting him when I can't meet my friends for drinks, or go on their hen parties etc.

If you’re not married or on the deeds of the flat in some form, you don’t own any of it. Are you willing to pay the mortgage knowing he can break off the relationship and you’d have to leave your home with nothing?

I think this is a good time to reflect on exactly what this relationship means for both of you. If you see him as a genuine life partner and husband in all but name then I suspect you might not be feeling the way you do. Equally, if he saw you as an equal partner I would have expected him to be far more proactive in discussing this with you, considering the issues presented by his significant drop in income and agreeing a plan that you are both happy with.

You also need to consider that joining the forces is a massive change in lifestyle both for the individual and no less so for their partner. He will be away from you a lot, he will be living a lifestyle that may cause you all sorts of worries not just in terms of physical danger but what he's getting up to with the lads on shore leave.

Time to have a very long and hard think about whether you want to go on this journey with him or not. You are perfectly entitled to decide this is not for you and better that, if you feel it's the case, than wasting some of the best years of your life on someone else's dream.

whatthefox That is exactly my point! The bills I will happily cover, no issues with stepping up there but that's my biggest concern - in the event of a relationship breakdown he has benefitted from gaining an amazing career whilst I cripple myself fincially and could end up with NOTHING to show for it.

Also, since everyone thinks I'm an evil bitch towards DP, when I wanted to undertake a distance learning course to become officially qualified in my career, I asked if we could use the joint savings (now gone before anyone asks - there wasn't a lot) to pay for some of the course (£1600) I was told no as I wanted to do the course so I should fund it myself. Which I did.

You’ve been together six years and instead of settling down and committing to your relationship, he’s chosen to take a job 6hrs away.

You’re young with no financial ties and no children. I’d be thinking long and hard about whether he’s as committed to you as you are to him. You don’t have to put your life on hold for him.

toogoodtobetrue

You have hit the nail on the head. It's been really hard getting used to the idea. All through the applicant process I think I was secretly hoping he wouldn't get in. And then he did. We have a great relationship - we really do but I am massively struggling with it all and all the things you have mentioned to be honest.

Whilst our relationship is solid, and I do consider us partners ultimately we are not married and as such I have no protection. With covering all of the bills/mortgage etc it also doesn't leave me with anything spare to save up in the event that things don't work out so I would literally have nowhere to go and no savings for my own place.

It sounds as if he's made this decision pretty much unilaterally, is that right? Obviously it has a big impact on the relationship (you said he'll be 6 hours away) and on you. So I don't think this is just about the finances, even though you initially framed it that way. I think it's about negotiating joint decisions as a couple.

Personally I wouldn't be happy to put off marriage and children. I wouldn't be happy to live apart unless we'd had an in depth discussion about how it was going to work and what we'd do if it didn't - and crucially, made a JOINT decision about it.

As I said, this isn't really about the money, but I wonder how you've been splitting finances until now? Does he pay his mortgage and everything else is split 50/50? If he pays the mortgage himself have you been saving in your own name just in case of a split (which would leave you homeless)?

Cross post

Oooooh spaceunicorn I don’t like what I just heard about the course! Sounds like he’s happy for you to support him but he’s not willing to put his hand in his pocket for you. If you were my friend, I’d strongly advise not to financially support him. You’ll be carrying him for a long time....

You have doubts op , listen to them.

I would not be happy putting off kids until 34 - and the fact he was not supportive of your course, but you are expected to subsidise his is ringing alarm bells.

Being a forces spouse is bloody tough and you need to lay your cards in the table and have a thorough discussion about your lifestyle, finances and expectations NOW. Not in three years when he tells you the wedding will have to wait another year and be scheduled for the next batch of leave. Not when you have a 6 month old baby and your are on your knees from tiredness. Not when you have missed another birthday, Christmas or anniversary.

I am ramming this home as I grew up as a forces child and my sister and partner are both in the Army now. You do need to be practical about finances as you are running two households and the loneliness can be a big factor. Finally, he either needs to add you to the mortgage or arrange a formal rental agreement so you have some protection. Anything less is not on.

He is acting like a single man and the fact

...and the fact you have not spoken about this already is really worrying.

it's been really hard getting used to the idea.

Don't fall prey to the assumption that you're under any obligation to get used to the idea. You're not.

We have a great relationship

You have had a great relationship. The change of circumstances afoot mean that relationship as it was will come to an end. You need to decide if the new relationship, should you stay together, is one that you want. Don't fall victim to the sunken cost fallacy. The years you have spent together so far are just that, spent. Decide if the future on offer is one for you and don't worry about throwing away times passed.

Well he didn't support you and now expects you to support him. That's a very difficult pill to swallow isn't it. I think it's too big. You sound ambivalent about this relationship. I'd think about leaving it tbh.

I don’t think either of you are fully committed/devoted to each other which is not my accusing either of being ‘evil’, just that neither of you are willing to accept each other’s dreams of bettering yourselves/achieving a lifetime goal and therefore neith if you can fully support each other which really is the basis for a strong relationship.

He didn’t put his faith in you for your course and you wishing for him not to be accepted on his really shows that you are not meant to have a lasting relationship.

Yes you’ve had a great relationship but times have changed now and it’s just not going to work because resentment has set in and it’s almost impossible to ever get over it.

Am I struggling with the fact that this puts marriage off the table until I'm 34, as well as children, dogs, moving into a house (we've outgrown this flat massively), weekends away, etc.

Don't do this. You don't want it, and your relationship isn't in a position to cope with it. He's chosen to do a course a long distance away; your not married or on the mortgage, it puts off your whole life together and who knows whether he'll still want those things when he's a newly qualified engineer?

It's sad, because it sounds like you did have a great relationship, although the course info makes it sound like he's always been rather selfish... but you don't have a great relationship anymore. Circumstances mean he's going one way and you're going another.

Have you checked the pay? Usually it's only the basic rate during basic training (which isn't longer than 6 months ish), and then they start going up the salary scales after phase 2 or 3 (well the RAF is like this). So firstly double check that to be sure.

Secondly, are you married? If so you could go into MQs and rent out the flat.

You won't be paying for his food in training, he will be able to claim get you home mileage.

His life is about to take a hugely different course, you need to decide if it is one you want, being in the Navy he will be away long periods of time. Will you continue to live apart?

The next few years will be a big change for your relationship and probably take a big toll on it. Living so far apart, him having a new lifestyle and friends, seeing each other only weekends or less. Going forward he may have periods posted overseas and to different parts of UK. Would you go with him, is your career portable, would you be happy living in places for a few years at a time then moving on, moving your kids around? Based on what friends in the forces tell me, infidelity is more common and there is certainly more opportunity for it. Is this a life you want? You may find that you grow apart whilst living apart, and the relationship ends. I'd be very careful about your decisions, and not assume you'll be together in three years. Obviously a forces lifestyle suits some spouses, but it sounds like you are lukewarm about it at best.

Also bear in mind that if you delay marriage and kids to 34, you aren't leaving yourself long to meet someone else and have kids if your relationship does end.