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Original poster

How to deal with my MIL’s hurtful comments?

24 replies

CookieDough2017 · 12/05/2019 08:04

I’m sick to death of my MIL keep criticising how I parent my 20 month old DD. She always thinks she knows best. Her comments are really hurtful and I often go to bed crying at night. I can’t speak to my DP because he says she is just being ‘helpful’ and thinks I hate his family because I always moan about them. I do hate her because she makes me feel like I’m a rubbish mum I’m trying my hardest and it’s never good enough Sad

I want advice on how you ladies deal with horrible MILs?

OP posts:
fitzbilly · 12/05/2019 08:06

What does she say exactly?

I would recommend challenging her the and then, politely. "Thanks for your advice, I've decided to do it this and this way" for example.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/05/2019 08:09

Yes, I think you need to give us a couple of examples.

Ohyesiam · 12/05/2019 08:11

Depends on what she says.
But i imagine you will have to get assertive and tell her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families
KatherineJaneway · 12/05/2019 08:12

What does she say?

TanMateix · 12/05/2019 08:24

OP, doing things in private helps, you don’t need to change her or feed her in front of her, and it always help to dress them in nana’s gifts when they are visiting.

When you have a new baby your hormones are all around the place but that doesn’t mean you need to get even more upset with unwelcome suggestions. Can you tell your MIL , nicely, that you are exhausted and you would appreciate if she let you deal with the baby as you prefer, at the end of the day you are the mother of that baby.

If DP insists she is just trying to help, you insist that you can see that but if her comments are making you feel miserable that is not the right help. If he doesn’t deal with that himself you do, she will be offended, he will get angry but at least she will think twice before opening her mouth.

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 12/05/2019 08:26

Yes examples would help but you need to call her out on it
Get tough. Say to her please don't criticise
Or I'll do it my way. Times have changed

seven201 · 12/05/2019 08:51

Mil, that's not the current advice. I appreciate that's how you brought up your kids but controlled crying (or whatever she suggests) is not recommended before 6 months and a lot of parents are against it completely. I've done a lot of research /spoken to the health visitor and am confident with my parenting. I'll ask if I need any advice.

If she does it again

Please don't worry. I'm happy with how I'm parenting and you're actually knocking my confidence. I'm sure you don't want to do that. I'll ask if I want your advice.

Next time
Haha we've had this discussion. I'm his/her mum and am confident in all my parenting decisions thank you. Change subject

seven201 · 12/05/2019 08:54

And you have my sympathy. My MIL loves saying that we're making a rod for our own backs. I just laugh and change the subject mostly. She used to give a lot of bad advice but got the message when every time I'd reply with a hmmmn and then carry on as before.

Original poster
CookieDough2017 · 12/05/2019 12:24

Thank your for everyone’s reply so far.

My main problem is she has her 1 day a week whilst me and DP are at work which I’m very grateful for. She takes her to a playgroup and meets up with her competitive friends who have GC around the same age as DD. She is constantly telling me so and so does this and that DD is not doing this because you do this and that. I’m really laid back in terms of her milestones. I’m in the mindset she will do these things when she is ready and I don’t compare her or myself to others. DP said I should just ignore her. I’m really struggling with being a working mum at the moment and these sort of comments just tip me over the edge. It’s like FFS I’m trying my best here give me a break will you.

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 12/05/2019 12:26

Definitely ignore her. Smile, nod and take not a blind bit of notice.

Original poster
CookieDough2017 · 12/05/2019 12:27

I forgot to add I do tell her I don’t really care what her friend’s grandchildren are doing and that DD makes me proud every single day what she already does but she still don’t stop! I’m sick of crying all the time I know I need to be a stronger person but with all the other stresses I have in life at the moment I’m finding it really hard to be strong.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 12/05/2019 12:37

Then tell, her straight that you don't give a gold plated shiny shite what Mary's gs is doing and if she keeps going with the odious comparisons you'll fund another less judgey childminder. (Even if you won't). Maybe lob in the "oh it's sad that you can't be as pleased and proud of Gc just as he is, as most grandmas are" bomb.
I used to get it with fil, it made me so angry. I wish I'd stood up to him.

Mayalready · 12/05/2019 12:40

Actually mil maybe you have a point. I have booked her into nursery on the day you have been having her to bring her on a bit. I know you will understand as you have been so concerned about her lagging...
And smile.

Worth every penny of the fee for your mh op.

Drum2018 · 12/05/2019 12:47

Tell her you will find alternative childcare if she feels her grandchild isn't adequate in comparison to her friend's grandchildren Angry

SinkGirl · 12/05/2019 13:59

Firstly, even if your DD was severely delayed by more than half her age, it wouldn’t be your fault so any comments blaming you because you don’t do x, y or z are out of order and you need to say so. My twins are 32 months now and they both have ASD - one is more delayed than the other, and they both have different issues but I know it isn’t my fault and I’ve done the best I can. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can too!

On the other hand, does she have a point with any of her concerns? Are there any significant delays or is it just “well Audrey’s daughter can recite pi to 27 places and rewire a plug” type of nonsense?

People can be very weird about raising developmental concerns and do it in really crap ways. When my son’s visual impairment was diagnosed, multiple people said to me “yes, I noticed he had a squint but I didn’t want to offend you” - why would saying he has a squint offend me?! One of his eyes is completely turned in, do you think I haven’t noticed?!

Does your work schedule allow you to go to any baby groups or anything? It was around that age that I started noticing how different my boys are from other kids and I only realised it when I went to baby groups and similar. Maybe she has noticed a few things and she’s going about raising it completely the wrong way?

That’s just my experience of people being rubbish at this stuff - most likely she’s just being a cow, and you can tell her to bog off. Might need to arrange alternative childcare though!

Original poster
CookieDough2017 · 12/05/2019 14:47

Some examples of my MIL’s concerns are ...

Her hair is really short the other girls hair are in bunches now ... my hair was like this took ages and ages to grow now I’m an adult it grows way too fast I’m constantly getting it trimmed. Plus I like how her hair is at the moment it gives me one less thing to do in the morning Grin

She only knows how to say mama, cat (we have pet cats) and dada. The other kids at play group can say lots of words. My friend who works at a Nursery told me lots of kids around her age only know a couple of words

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 12/05/2019 14:52

She's actually complaining about hair ffs? And what are you meant to have done to stop her hair growing?

Seriously arrange other childcare. This woman sounds mental. I'm like you with milestones. As long as it's not a significant delay no good comes from comparing babies.

Lllot5 · 12/05/2019 14:58

The hair thing is nonsense, maybe keep an eye on her speech. My grandson is just turned two he doesn’t say much more and the nursery flagged it up to my DIL so we’re keeping an eye on it. He’s booked in for hearing test in June just in case.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/05/2019 15:09

I think @OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow’s line is perfect - “It’s so sad you can’t be proud of dd just as she is!”

When she comments on your dd’s hair - “Her hair grows very slowly - I could threaten to stop her pocket money unless she bucks up her ideas and starts growing it faster, but I doubt she’d take any notice!”

JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/05/2019 16:41

Her hair is really short the other girls hair are in bunches now. I think the best way to deal with this is just smile and nod. If she pushes fir a reply, say oh yes, doesn't she look fantastic.

She only knows how to say mama, cat (we have pet cats) and dada. The other kids at play group can say lots of words. Ask her how many 20 month olds she knows if she starts on this one Smile

I think she sounds like a rather insensitive MIL if I'm honest. Really don't let it get to you.

If you do want to see exactly what she should be saying by now, have a read of this on Talking Point.

fedup21 · 12/05/2019 16:42

If she’s upsetting you so much that you are crying yourself to sleep-you need to make your DH understand.

PixieDust26 · 19/05/2019 00:15

I'd tell her to shove her opinions up her arse and find alternative childcare. Some MIL's think they're so bloody entitled 🤬

bomanaise · 19/05/2019 00:20

My MIL is like that. It has taken me ten years but I am absolutely blunt with her now. We really don't like each other so the relationship is just civil, chit chat, politeness and when required i just speak plainly. I don't care if she gets offended.

cuppycakey · 22/05/2019 22:11

You have a DP problem if he isn't supporting you.

I agree with PP - stop the free childcare.

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