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Original poster

Would you keep trying with someone who literally never responds to you?

22 replies

birmanbaby · 11/05/2019 22:01

Ex MIL. Was very close with DD (4) until her father stopped seeing her. Maybe phones DD 3/4 times a year.

I regularly send her photos of DD. Text her updates of how DD is doing, what she’s been up to, encourage DD to call her. She rarely answers but when she does will talk to DD for a few minutes. She still sends cards on birthdays/Xmas.

I don’t expect a gushing reply but surely it’s basic manners to at least acknowledge a text message? I sent her a photo today of DD and she read it and again radio silence.

She definitely blames me for DD not seeing her father anymore. I can categorically state he has been given every chance and has no interest in seeing DD. She knows this also but I’m “crazy and bitter” (usual stuff).

I really feel like just not bothering anymore

OP posts:

dudsville · 11/05/2019 22:04

That's so sad isn't it. Your poor dd. I have no advice, but I wonder if this person would be healthy for her to have around given her choice to absent herself so far.

Flower777 · 11/05/2019 22:07

No I wouldn’t.

EL8888 · 11/05/2019 22:08

Personally I wouldn’t. The door is open, it appears she is too stubborn and wrapped up in her sons BS to use it

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Beautiful3 · 11/05/2019 22:10

Just stop. See how long it takes for her to contact you.

Original poster

birmanbaby · 11/05/2019 22:13

@Beautiful3, ive tried to do that before but I’m a bloody soft cow and think oh she would love to see this photo or know about her nativity or something. I think I need to be harder!

OP posts:

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 11/05/2019 22:19

You need to stop. If she cared enough about dd she'd meet you half way. She hasn't even tried which tells you all you need to know. I'd leave it now and hopefully dd is too young to have much memory of her anyway.

Happynow001 · 12/05/2019 02:08

I think I need to be harder!
Not "harder" which I think you'd struggle with from your post, but "neutral". Let her come to you if she wishes (though it really seems she doesn't) and be your lovely self to her if she contacts you, but don't put yourself out for her.

HotChocolateLover · 12/05/2019 06:58

My ex-MIL was exactly the same. I gave up in the end. For one thing, it’s just bad manners as you say. What’s your DD done?!!

Shoxfordian · 12/05/2019 07:07

Stop messaging her
If she wants to know how your dd is then she needs to make an effort

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/05/2019 07:19

My mum did this for years, she sent school photos of us kids to her MIL without ever receiving any kind of acknowledgement, let alone encouragement. MIL never got in touch of her own volition, ever.

She may have been traumatised by the death of her son, but why she felt she should cut her GC out I couldn't tell you.

If I were you I'd cut my losses and let it go, leave her to do all the running if she wants to know how her GD is doing. She probably won't care though. Even if she blames you for your Ex's non-contact, that should have no bearing whatsoever on how she feels about her GC. So she was "close" before that, was she? Now you know she was faking it. Your dd is getting no benefit from this relationship, so time to let it go.

Original poster

birmanbaby · 12/05/2019 09:26

This thread has really cemented my initial thoughts so thank you all for your replies.

It is basic manners to at least acknowledge a text message, this bit really really winds me up!

OP posts:

CarolsBiggestFan · 12/05/2019 09:34

Send one last message so you’ve got proof in writing.

“Dear MIL, you never acknowledge receipt of my messages about or photos of DD so I’m going to stop sending them. My door is always open for you to get in touch with DD if you wish to build a relationship with her. I find your complete silence and lack of response too upsetting for me to continue to be the only person making an effort. I’ll leave the ball in your court. Best wishes”

Zucker · 12/05/2019 09:46

Stop doing it. As your child gets older she will cotton on that you are sending stuff and her grandmother is ignoring her. Its that families loss.

pusspuss9 · 12/05/2019 11:03

I think the one last message from Carole is a really good idea.

I think you should send it or something similar. You could add something like ' I would have liked to share with you the milestones in DD's life' .

I would leave out the 'I'll leave the ball in your court' as it may be taken negatively and you want to leave the door open to somebody who might be too stubborn to otherwise respond.

I hope this all works out well. Good on you for trying so hard.

Beautiful3 · 12/05/2019 15:36

@birmanbaby
Bless you. You are so lovely and kind. It's a shame some people are so rude and unresponsive. Just remember its not you, It's her.

Original poster

birmanbaby · 12/05/2019 16:27

I sent pretty much that exact message to ex mil this morning.

She’s read it and ignored. I feel indignant that anyone could treat DD like this. Utterly disgusted and so upset for her

OP posts:

RamonaQuimbyAge8 · 12/05/2019 16:28

I tend to be more circumspect/passive aggressive. I would say something like

Hi, just noticed that you aren't replying to messages about DD. Hope they aren't annoying you. I'll stop sending them for now but let me know if you'd like to hear more. Door is always open.

RamonaQuimbyAge8 · 12/05/2019 16:28

Oh, sorry x post.

Sorry you are in this situation, OP. Not a reflection on you and DD,of course.

Kiwiinkits · 12/05/2019 19:34

My MIL wouldn’t know how to read a text if it hit her in the face. My own mother just discovered email and doesn’t know how to put a DVD on (she asks dad, lol).
Are you sure your MIL isn’t just technologically illiterate?

whoami24601 · 12/05/2019 20:04

I had this with my batshit sister recently. She has form for having big fall outs with people then holding a grudge until it suits her otherwise. Only this time she didn't fall out with me but my mum! Apparently that meant the whole family was banished wasn't even there. Apart from my middle sister because... batshit! After ignoring all my texts since before Christmas I sent her a final one that just said 'ok I'm done'. She responded to that with her totally made up reason for not talking to me. I just said 'ok thanks'. Life is too short for people who don't add positive things to our lives!

user87382294757 · 12/05/2019 20:33

I'm guessing you's like your DD to have a grandmother figure in her life..is your mum involved? maybe send her the pics instead...

DarklyDreamingDexter · 12/05/2019 21:08

In answer to your question, no I wouldn't. You've done everything you can, it's her loss. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree with regard to her and her feckless son. You daughter doesn't need this toxicity in her life and neither do you. At least you tried to do the right thing, which is more than can be said of her, or her son.

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