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Original poster

Question: you are 12 yo and always being picked on at school. HOW just how do you deal with it??!

21 replies

HelloYouTwo · 10/05/2019 17:59

So DS is in Yr7 and he’s one of those kids that just gets picked on, in a low-level, “bants” (horrible term) sort of way. Today’s example, working in the library and the kid next to him kept on backspacing DS’s work and then turned off the hard drive so DS’s work was lost. He did it twice.

DS never starts this sort of thing, he doesn’t understand it and why people do it.

HOW please should he deal with it?

a) hit back at the kid, smack his hand away etc - risks getting into trouble for fighting.
He said he tried to retaliate in the same way but the other kid hit his hand away

b) tells a teacher - other kid and his friends hate DS for being a grass

c) ignores it- but feels as though he’s just being a doormat and letting the other kid get away with it

This happens over and over again to DS. He’s at a nice school and it’s always different kids with low level stuff that I don’t feel I can go into the school about.

Please help me help DS navigate this Sad

OP posts:
Harrison376 · 10/05/2019 18:41

It’s really difficult isn’t it. I’m sure lots will disagree but I’ll be teaching DS how to tell someone to ‘fuck off’ in a situation as described above. I went to a lovely primary school (as does DS who’s currently year 5). My secondary school wasn’t exactly rough but I really would have benefited from having the confidence to say ‘fuck off’. Instead I was as quite as a mouse and an easy target for this type low level piss taking. It doesn’t pay to be too well spoken (not around here anyway!)

JustAnotherMNUserPassing · 10/05/2019 18:45

When I was that age I tried to ignore it and it turned into self harm and hating myself. I wish I could go back and tell the teacher and fight back.

I think being a 'grass' is better than years of hurting yourself over something you can't control.

I hope the situation improves for your DS soon.

Cranky17 · 10/05/2019 18:45

I would have suggested being physical back, but with my ds (only 6) so I know it’s different but it ended in a fight.

So I go along the lines of fuck off or twat and tell him he would get in trouble at home.

Also he needs to practice it, otherwise it might come out high pitched and people will take the piss

BigBairyHollocks · 10/05/2019 18:48

Yes,tell him to tell them to fuck off,and if he gets told off by the teacher for it,tell him to say that he has your permission to say this,and speak to you.Poor kidSad

Harrison376 · 10/05/2019 18:51

It’s strange isn’t it because we’re programmed as parents not to swear infront of our kids and we don’t want them to be fing and jeffing all the time. DS doesn’t swear at all. He asked permission the other day to start saying ‘crap’ because his friends were.

There is a time and a place for it though and I feel like it’s almost a survival tool for secondary school.

Original poster
HelloYouTwo · 10/05/2019 18:57

Thanks for your replies. DS is a mouse in situations like this Sad he won’t swear or fight back because he’s so scared of getting into trouble. I do tell him that I’ll back him up if he does. And it is sadly the case that often the teachers don’t spot something happening until the retaliatory part, which then looks unprovoked.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 10/05/2019 19:01

Can you call the school, tell them what DS is going through (without naming names) and tell them you've told him to respond bluntly next time so please don't discipline him?

I've had a similar conversation with DS1s HoY recently. He's been getting it from a girl in his class, really horrid, relentless name calling and niggling. I've told him to tell her to fuck off next time. And I told the HoY that too.
Because he's got ASN and is on course for a carpentry apprenticeship. If he doesn't know how to clap back, he'll get eaten alive on an apprenticeship!

aposterhasnoname · 10/05/2019 20:04

I had this at that age, and it really affected me, I told the teachers and my mother, but i got told to ignore it, and didn’t really stop. This won’t be popular, but finally I’d had enough and hit one of them. Yeah, I was in a bit of trouble. But I was never bullied again.

hullaballoonie · 10/05/2019 20:17

Bless him. He sounds lovely and other kids can be little shits. Have you considered self defence classes? My DS was very similar to yours and was being subjected to low level bullying. We decided he needed to gain some self confidence, he started martial art classes called Choi Kwang Do which has done wonders for him. Its not competitive like Karate or Judo, its for your own personal development and to learn how to defend yourself. He's 15 now and very tall and strong, he's had to defend himself a few times but also can stand up for himself verbally, he's got the confidence to do this now. Good luck to your DS, I hope things improve for him.

hullaballoonie · 10/05/2019 20:20

This is our local one to give you an idea. Would thoroughly recommend.
hampshireckd.com/

Harrison376 · 10/05/2019 20:25

hullaballoonie great suggestion to do self defence. DS does MMA and it’s absolutely fantastic.

TwittleBee · 10/05/2019 20:26

So sorry he is going through this. It's really shit.

I was talking to DH about this sort of thing the other day actually. I was similar to your DS, always getting picked on in low level bants. DH was actually the sort of idiot in school that did this sort of low level bants! Interestingly, DH said he never even knew he could be upsetting anyone and reckons he was just being silly and encouraging others to lighten up. If someone actually told him directly that it was upsetting him and he didn't like being treated like that then he would have stopped, as he did with a girl who he kept trying to "flirt" with. It got me thinking, I never actually told the people doing the "banter" that I didn't find it funny...

Is there a possibility that your DS could explain to the people doing this that he doesn't find it funny in a really straight faced way? I'm not saying it's that simple and tbh maybe your son is making it clear he isn't finding it funny but maybe saying it out loud and direct might have an effect?

Original poster
HelloYouTwo · 10/05/2019 21:15

I will look into the self defence / MMA thank you.

Ds did today say “you’re not funny” to the other boy but his response was “yes I am” followed by more of the same.

I get how it’s funny if you both join in so there’s give and take but DS just doesn’t understand this sort of behaviour and doesn’t seem to get the chance to fight back / have his turn being a bit daft and getting at other people so they all get to be amusing and hilarious.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 10/05/2019 21:18

I was (still am tbh) totally the same at not finding that sort of behaviour funny. Really wish there was an easy way to make the other boy stop.

Original poster
HelloYouTwo · 10/05/2019 21:45

No that’s don’t find it funny either, but I get that if you’re both hitting each other with pencil cases / sabotaging each other’s work / enjoying a wrestle then that’s all good as you’re both coming to it equally. But when it’s all one way it’s close to bullying.

OP posts:
TwittleBee · 11/05/2019 10:26

Tbh I think it is bullying if the other child has been told by your DS he doesn't find it funny.

INeedAFlerken · 11/05/2019 10:39

It's bullying. And the schools should be doing more about shit behaviour like this.

I have a Year 7 boy, and the stories he comes home with about the behaviour at school is appalling. And we've explained repeatedly that the 'grass' thing is something the shitty kids use to enable themselves to keep being shitty and bully others without consequences. Children need to tell the teachers and their parents this is going on, so parents can force schools to start stepping up. Because it's getting worse, not better.

TSSDNCOP · 11/05/2019 11:39

I’ve just made it easier for DS by doing The grassing thing for him.

Being called gay is the current insult. DS is no angel, but he’s kind and baffled by the sort of behaviour you describe. In frustration he’s lashed out and then been the one that gets into trouble instead of the perpetrator.

So I lifted the screenshot off his phone and sent it to his form tutor. DS has been told explicitly not to mention it at all. If asked, he knows nothing.

BlueJag · 11/05/2019 19:27

It's really hard because the language and the behaviour is very different in secondary school. My son is quite a sturdy kid but he keeps to a very small group of friends. Never gives his phone number away or joins group chats.
He tells me that pushing or being told to F off is an everyday thing.
They irritate each other constantly. He did come to blows once with one kid but he is a black belt in karate.
Maybe your son can start karate or another discipline to promote confidence.

BlueJag · 11/05/2019 19:32

Our son is 13 and in year 8.

Kiwiinkits · 12/05/2019 19:53

“leave me the fuck alone” in a low, assertive voice.

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