Please help I am so lost

[Margo11]

Hi everyone,
I’m feeling so lost and trapped.
I met a guy 8 months ago, it started casually and very quickly progressed into a relationship. My bf asked me to live with him, said he hasn’t had such feeling since he was 19, he is 35, I’m 32. He said he sees spending his life with me and wants to marry me and have a family together. At first I wasn’t serious but eventually I’ve developed feelings for him and decided to give this relationship a go and move in with him. We are very much from different backgrounds and I’m a lot more accomplished in my life but love is more important than material achievements and I always used to think people can become who they want to become with some work and determination , everything is possible no matter what the past was like. We’ve had really good times, really enjoying being together, but he has some friends who are a bad influence doing cocaine. As far as I knew he only did it occasionally. Before we moved in I asked him if he is planning on using drugs because for me it would be a no. He told me he wants to stop using them, to live a good healthy life , do some courses for his career etc. A month ago we found out I’m pregnant and it wasn’t planned. The same night we went to see those friends of his because it was someone’s birthday and he wanted to celebrate so I thought ok, as he has done nice things for when meeting my friends etc. That night eventually he got drunk and he did cocaine too. The next day I spent in tears thinking that now I’m pregnant and I love him and he has this addiction. I asked him not to do it anymore he said yes. Last week I found out that he has been doing quite a lot of cocaine even in our house. In the last month when we found out I’m pregnant for which he is so happy he has told the whole world about it this was his way of celebrating it or thinking through what lies ahead , I’m not sure. And when he was high he went to see escorts I think at least 4 times. Maybe 5. I wanted to break up with him but he begged me to give him another chance , saying he’ll do everything go to the doctor , won’t see those friends, he said he is going to do everything to get my trust back etc. My mum was arriving for a visit in a couple of hours so i couldn’t even process what happened. I’m my heart I want to give him a chance, in my head I want to run run run , but what about the baby.. so my mum is here , loving him so much, it’s been very difficult for me as I couldn’t even cry properly as she would ask why. We had chats etc he was nice, very apologetic, it felt like willing to change for real. Giving me so many promises. Today after work he went to see his friend a girl who I’ve met and we really get on, she is a good girl etc . I was upset he had to meet her tonight when my mum is here making us dinner, etc. And my texts are not as friendly , he was saying don’t be upset I’ll be home in a few hours etc. And I was saying he doesn’t care if I’m upset or not. Eventually later in the night I told him to come home now or not to come home at all. And he hasn’t come home ... his friend called me about 4 hours ago and I chatted to him he was saying he is coming soon that I’ve been so negative , and I told him after the big fight and me giving him a chance I thought he’d try to make things better with us rather then drink with his friend. Now I feel really sad . I feel lost . I don’t know what to do. He also owes me some money but that’s not as important as the fact that I’m pregnant and he is so irresponsible and has problems. I literally don’t know what to do. I cannot afford being a single mum and also the humiliation and the broken dream - I’ve always wanted to create a loving happy full family . Please do you have any advice. He says he loves me like crazy and then does this.. maybe tonight he even had sex with this friend who knows.. i don’t know why my life came to this..

You can't afford to be a single Mum? Try being a single Mum whilst also holding this loser's head above water.

He's useless.

Go now...go to your Mums. You sound like you have it together...you're intelligent and know right from wrong.

You can't bring your baby up with a drug addict who uses prostitutes!

LEAVE! It will get harder if the baby comes to know him.

You must be feeling terrible. I feel sorry for you.

You need to give serious thought as to whether you want to continue with this pregnancy.

Thanks, abortion sounds terrifying to me but I keep thinking about it. My mum begs me not to do it and she said she will quit her job to bring this baby up. She fears if I won’t be able to have kids if I do an abortion. I don’t know if it’s a myth or if abortion affects future fertility. I’ve never been pregnant before. This is such a sad place to be...

Thanks, my mum doesn’t live in the UK but I have my best friend who offered I can stay with her for a while.
He says how much he wants to be a dad and have a family , he tricked me really well and I let him to do it.

OP are there substance misuse services in your area? Give him the choice - either he signs up there and gets support or you walk away.

Margot, i think you need to get some help and advice. I don't live in UK at the moment so don't know where you can get this advice, but I'm sure somebody with come along soon with more help.

In the meantime I'm sending some warm hugs your way,.

I think if he's behaving like this now you're pregnant, you have to call it a day. You can't live with someone like this once you have a child, can you?
You made it clear that your feelings on drug use were non negotiable before you moved in and he's using anyway. I don't see this getting better.
Tell your mum and best friend exactly what's happening and use their support. You are clearly loved and cared for. This bloke is not the person who loves and cares for you.
Also, sorry, but tell your GP or midwife if he's had sex with escorts. You should probably have STI testing.

Your bf sounds like an utter s##t.

The scary thing is if he is behaving like this now, having a baby, sleepless nights, not getting a second to yourself, chances are he will get worse.

You need to be v firm & tell him he either seeks help or off he pops!
You can do it on your own if that's what you want. Million's of single parents do every day, & for how hard it is. It's easier than living with a selfish addict or in a relationship with no trust.

It is possibly yesterday he didn’t even get high and simply got drunk and decided not to give a damn. How people like this sleep at night. I think right now I’m more deciding whether to keep the baby or not which is extremely sad.

You don’t need him to raise your child.

He is an immature loser.

Abortion won’t affect your fertility. Don’t let that scare you. When I found myself trapped and pregnant in my early 20’s I was devestated but loved babies and ALWAYS said I’d never have a termination no matter what the reason...,, after a couple of horrified and terrified weeks it suddenly dawned on me I could have one. And the cloud lifted and I knew it was right.

It was the most important decision of my life and I’m so so grateful for that option. I now have a beautiful family with a good and kind husband. Everything I ever wanted. I am SO glad I’m not ties to my ex and I’ve had a fantastic career that simply couldn’t have happened if I’d had that baby.

That was my situation. You have yours. But don’t let fear or abortion stop you if you feel it in your bones that is the right thing for your future.

I don't want to sound harsh but if I was you, I'd have a termination, walk away from this loser and never look back.

Chalk the whole thing up to experience and get on with my own life.

But that's just me

I'm really sorry you've found yourself in this situation. But I just wanted to let you know that I had a medical abortion (took tablets) at around 11-12 weeks pregnant when I was 27.

Now 11 years later (& much better situation) I have a wonderful toddler DD and one on the way.
It hasn't affected my fertility or ability to carry children. Don't rule out a termination if it's the best choice for you right now based on misinformation.
Good luck with whatever you decide, but I agree with pp that if you have the baby, managing a newborn without having to worry about what your partner is up to will be so much easier! It's the headspace people like him take up - it's exhausting and debilitating.

same as formerbabe
I would seriously consider a termination, otherwise you might have to deal with this pathetic excuse of a man for the next 18 years...

for you - such a difficult situation

A termination will absolutely not affect future fertility. In your situation ( I've been in your situation), I would terminate as soon as possible and not look back. You owe future children the best start you can give them with the best partner.

The decision about the baby is up to you but you cannot stay with this immature and irresponsible loser.

He’s all words. You’re pregnant and he loves you and he shows this by getting high and cheating. This ‘man’ is in his 30’s, do not kid yourself he will change.

I would stay as fr away from him as possible.

I don’t think your mum is being very helpful by scaring you saying you won’t be able to have any more children and to not have an abortion and she will raise the baby. Although, I’m sure she’s saying it out of love for you.

You’ve made a mistake. The whole thing only started eight months ago and you’ve been swept along in it all. You’ve made some bad decisions but you’ve got a lot going for you.

None of us here know what you should do but it does sound to me like you should have an abortion.

What is clear is that this bloke is not going to be raising a baby, paying child support, being there for a child, taking it to football, etc.

Margo, please leave. I was in a similar place. A husband who started doing coke after we had been together years. We have children and I have recently left him. All the promises of stopping and he didn't. I am now having to deal with the difficulties. Please get out now- I have had years of misery because of it. Good luck x

Having lived with an addict for 12 years I can promise you, 90% of the time they absolutely don't change. I stuck out so long because vows and stupidity. What I found was that drugs were absolute priority for him, above everything and everyone else. Little contribution towards household, financial or practical, always looking for new dealers because he was struggling to pay off the previous ones. Forever borrowing money left right and centre and then pleading I give him some to score another fix. If I didn't then his moods would be awful. There was no stability, consistency or peace. It's like I was being made to live the lifestyle of an addict without actually being one.

Walk away while you can. Don't think he's that special one whi will kick the habit and step up to be a good husband and father. They hardly ever do.

Leave now, if he is acting like this only 8 months in when usually they are at their best behaviour to impress, imagine what he will be like in 5 years. He should be over the moon, yet he is doing drugs and not coming home. Imagine in a years time when a baby is screaming all through the night...

Noone can tell you whether to keep the baby or not but it sounds like you have a promising future without him. As for affording the baby, you can get child maintenance off him, and imagine trying to afford the baby while paying for his cocaine addiction... he isn't going to suddenly quit, it's his lifestyle

Abortion only affected fertility in the old days before abortion was legal, when it was carried out by unqualified people in unsanitary conditions.

You've got to leave. He's not going to change. In your situation, I'd have an abortion.

OP, if you don’t have a termination, you will be stuck co parenting a child with this shit of a man for the next 18 years. You would have to see him at every handover, and worry if your child was safe spending every second weekend with a drug addict.
In your situation I would consider a termination very much the lesser of two evils.
And as PPs have said, get checked for STIs- your health is at risk, as your partner has potentially exposed you to everything from syphilis to HIV.

Whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy, know that you'll never be in a healthy relationship with this man and you are never going to be parenting together. That's a simple reality that he's already showing you and you need to have that really clear in your head when you're considering whether or not to continue this pregnancy. It's horrible and you don't deserve this but you need to be clearheaded about it - you can absolutely decide to have the baby but be realistic that you'll be a single parent.

I don't know if your mum is necessarily the person to help you make this decision. Obviously she loves you and wants to help but she's thinking purely emotionally imo, even down to offering to quit her job to help raise it. Realistically how would that work? Is she picturing you moving in and staying for what 5 years? 10 years? Forever? And I'm guessing she doesn't work just to get her out of the house so financially how would it work?

It seems you're very early in the pregnancy so you do have time to think, you don't have to rush into anything but at the same time you need to be very realistic about what the future looks like .

Margo, I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. I think that whatever his stated best intentions towards you that you are now realising that he will still follow his own path - as proven after not coming home last night. Words mean nothing really when actions say something else!

What you decide to do as regarding him I think you realise what will be ahead if you stay with him - is this something you really want to cope with?

Regarding yourself and your baby, well I’m sure your Mum has your best interests at heart but it sounds like she might not be too knowledgable on the facts of abortion. So...can I suggest you get yourself booked in, as soon as possible, with your GP and get best advice, or go to a GUM clinic. There is more advice here - this is to consider your options and it has to be your choice, but I believe that if you choose to have an abortion it is better and safer to have it earlier rather than later www.nhs.uk/conditions/abortion/

Also, and this is particularly important, given his lifestyle you should get checked out for all STIs as soon as possible. Did you ever both get tested up to now? And does he generally not use a condom? I don’t want to scare you, but if he’s been sharing needles (I know you said only cocaine but just in case) there is higher risk of Hepatitis, and if he’s from a place like sub Saharan Africa there can be a higher prevalence of HIV. You do say you’re from different backgrounds and I wonder different countries?

I do hope you manage to decide what to do for the best. I know you say you feel lost and trapped and I hope you have support to help you through this. Stay strong