Gender of children

[NoNoNoOohmaybe]

Following on from a thread (but not a taat no no).

Does the gender of your child matter?

I'm intrigued by this? I only wanted one. I didn't care cos in my head I'd mould them into my critical thinking,emotionally intelligent dynamo. I had boy/girl twins. They're amazing, my girl is always on the go and very fucking loud, my boy is empathetic and (obsessively) bookish. But they're not what imagined; better and worse and all in between.

Does gender matter that much?

I've also got three siblings and three siblings in law :o So if I don't have any daughters perhaps I can be a favourite aunty to a girl instead.

What I don't understand is one couple I know of, who having been through rounds of failed IVF, eventually succeeded - and were 'desperate' for a particular sex. How can you go through all that and be 'desperate', instead of just being so thankful for a healthy baby at last?

I find it sad that women on Mumsnet always seem to yearn for a girl. I had a colleague who actually took time off sick from work (2 weeks!) because she was devastated to be having a boy! Boys are great!! As are girls!

SEX! Not gender.

Sex on becomes important when it starts causing inequalities (i.e. if children are raised into good adults rather than gender conformist morons not until women have children). Besides that there aren’t any major differences between the sexes.

I find it sad that women on Mumsnet always seem to yearn for a girl.

I think it's quite normal that many women have an affinity to girl children, having been girl children themselves. I think most men if pressed would say they'd like at least one son for the same reason.

I have two DCs of the same sex and am very happy with them, however I do wonder what it would have been like to raise a child of the other sex. It doesn't keep me up at night and I'm done having babies, but the feeling is there nonetheless.

Like everything else in life, for some people it matters and for others it doesn't.

I have two boys and have so often been asked with that head-tilt-pity-thing "oh are you gutted not to have had a girl?" And honestly it's never occurred to me to do anything but adore them for exactly who they are. MIL was adamant after the second boy was born that we'd "need" a girl and that no family was complete without one. I felt a little resentful of her comments, tbh, that the second boy wasn't what she wanted or hoped for, or that he wasn't enough to complete our family.

Friends of ours have 4 girls and she's desperately trying for a boy. My heart goes out to her to want something so desperately and not have it because, without wanting to sound judgemental, life is easier for me not caring than it is for her caring so much.

I have children of both sexes and only one of them believes in gender. She is an adult so that’s her decision.

So no, gender doesn’t matter to me. I prefer my children to be free to be who they want to be.

But I know that there are many people who believe in gender very strongly and will bully children and adults who don’t agree with their beliefs. So I worry about my children’s safety and my job. We know we don’t have freedom of speech and belief around these people.

So the risk to me and my children from gender ideologists matters very much.

FudgeBrownie2019 people always make those comments to families with children of all the same sex. It's not about girl or boy. There's an idea that the "perfect family" is one boy one girl and a pet dog. Anyone who has all boys or all girls must be depressed about it apparently.

I have a yearning for a girl. I have two boys and each time felt mildly, briefly sad to let go of the potential that it was a girl. Doesn't mean my boys aren't the best ever - they are. We won't be having any more and I'm still not entirely at peace with it. I don't even know why. Maybe I just don't see my boys fulfilling my own childhood dreams - maybe it is as self centred as that. (There is time though, I could make champion basket weavers* of them yet!)

*not actual childhood dream.

FudgeBrownie2019 my dc1 is a girl and dc2 a boy. When I told my own mother that dc2 was a boy she said "Oh... [Long pause] but we have girls in our family... [Another pause] oh, well, I suppose I'll get used it"

Wtaf

People are wierd, and in some cases grandmothers doubly so.

Which takes me back to my old fear of having a female child being tied to my fear of replicating my own awkward relationship with my mother, and determination to do everything differently...

@Witchend

My MIL is quite honest in that she kept having children until they had a girl and says had her second been a girl they'd have stopped. My DP is DC4

MIL is actually amazing and I have nothing but praise for her but I do sigh inwardly when she says this in earshot of any of her DC who aren't the longed for DD. To be fair none of my BIL's nor DP seem bothered.

We had a boy then a girl and when I got pregnant with DC3 the amount of people who seemed shocked because I "already had one of each" was quite astounding. Why do people feel it's ok to say things like that???

To me and dh it doesn’t but it does seem to bother other people we know that we have 3 boys and no girl. I am currently pregnant with ds3 and whilst it may have been nice to experience raising a girl neither of us were anything but delighted baby was another boy as we love oug boys to bits. However we have been told by others our family isn’t complete as we have no daughter and that we need to try for a girl .

Given many of these people know that we nearly lost ds2 it shocks me they think this way. My third pregnancy was a lovely surprise however I have had a lot of complications again and am high risk so will not be having anymore kids after this baby.

Having had 2 boys already I also realise gender is just physical as my oldest son meets the stereotypical rough and tumble boy but my youngest is very gentle, placid and way less boisterous than most girls his age I know are. They are individuals on there own right gender doesn’t change that.

I know a family who had six boys and then a girl. I feel very sorry both for the youngest couple of boys, who were disappointments with their parents really wanting a girl - and for the little girl. Whenever I see her she's dressed in pink. It's going to be really hard for her if she's not a stereotypical girl growing up and doesn't want to do all the feminine 'girly' things that her mother longed to do with a daughter.

ClaraMatilda do you know for a fact i.e. the parents have told you that a) they are disappointed with their boys and b) they expect the girl to do stereotypically girly things?

Most people don't have 7 children so I struggle to believe they did it solely to get a girl. And also the majority of baby girls I see around have an excess of pink clothing.

It never mattered to me. I have three boys of my own and a step son.

Sometimes I have a wistful think about having a daughter, but that’s about it. I’m 100% with @NottonightJosepheen and it pisses me off when other people won’t believe it. Stop projecting your own feelings onto me!

I am also of course referring to the biological sex of my sons.

Threads like this always make me feel absolutely awful.

When I was pregnant with my first child I had no preference at all and I had a girl. My second pregnancy again I had no preference and I had a boy.

My current pregnancy, during the first 16 weeks I was absolutely terrified of having another boy and I still don't understand myself the reasons why. I think it mainly comes from the fact that I'd struggled with PND after the birth of my son, I felt in such a bad way for months and was sure if I had another boy I'd feel this way again. I am having a girl and of course there's no way of telling if I'll struggle with PND again, but for some reason I don't feel as worried about it now.

These threads aren't helpful at all and just make expectant parents feel terrible for feeling the way they do.

I have two boys and love them to bits. I hate how the assumption is if you’d like a different sex that somehow makes you love your children less? I’d love a girl and am somewhat disappointed. But as I say to my husband that’s just greed, it’s like I could have had a terry’s Orange or a frys chocolate cream and then someone took away the orange. I’m still delighted I got the chocolate cream and it doesn’t taste any better or worse.

@BadBadBeans
I have two boys (one newborn) and won't be having any more babies. I love them both very much. However, I also really wanted a daughter. Not sure how I am going to deal with this as I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it
Your feelings are valid and I hope you find someone that is open minded enough to be talk this through with you.

It is not narrow-minded or silly to have a preference regarding the sex of your child. I also don't understand why people would think it's odd that at a population level men may have a preference for boys and women for girls? Surely one of the key things humans bond over is shared experiences and it is likely that you will share more experiences with someone of the same sex. Especially experiences such as pregnancy and puberty that are biologically driven.

I have 2 boys. I love them so so much. I couldn't love them any more if they were girls. But am I disappointed not to have a girl? Immensely. There's not a day goes by that I don't wish for a girl as well.

I wouldn't love a girl any more than I love my boys. And honestly as children I don't particularly mind. It's when they/I get older that makes me long for a girl.

I come from a long line of women who were/are close to their mothers. I know this isn't always the case, but it's all I've known in my family. And when I'm old and need help/care I'd rather it was a daughter than a son.

I'm also very close to my MIL. And DH is very close to his mum. She's lovely and I couldn't fault her, but I'm not as close to her as I am my own DM and as a result I don't think she is as close to my DC - when I was struggling post-birth for example it was my own DM I turned to not MIL.

I know this is all complete conjecture, but it's how I feel.

It mattered to me, because we're a same-sex couple and I had some worries that, if we had a boy, we might not be so well equipped to parent him (I'm talking basics like weeing, not 'OMG blue brain, my fuzzy girlieness cannot cope,' because the latter is bullshit).

Now we have a girl, I would feel fine to have a boy, because I feel so much more confident about parenting in general.

But I don't think it's unusual to have some thoughts about it before you have a baby. There's no more harm in it than in hoping your baby will inherit your partner's gorgeous hair or your mum's smile, or wondering if they'll be a leftie like you.

Where there is harm, is if it becomes more than that. But for most people, I don't believe it does.

My Mother has a friend who literally risked her life to have a son. She had four daughters and a c-section each time so they kept warning her not to have any more, that it was dangerous to her health etc but she confessed she would not stop until she had a son. Luckily the fifth was a boy so she was sterilised. I found it incredibly bizarre, that she’d risk leaving the children she already had motherless just so she could ‘bring her husband a son’- as though he were Henry the Eighth. Ludicrous.

Anyway, I guess I was ‘blessed’ with two of each. I really wouldn’t have cared had they all been boys or all girls though, I fall into the cliche of just being happy that they’re alive and well.

@Betty1064

*My current pregnancy, during the first 16 weeks I was absolutely terrified of having another boy and I still don't understand myself the reasons why. I think it mainly comes from the fact that I'd struggled with PND after the birth of my son, I felt in such a bad way for months and was sure if I had another boy I'd feel this way again. I am having a girl and of course there's no way of telling if I'll struggle with PND again, but for some reason I don't feel as worried about it now.

These threads aren't helpful at all and just make expectant parents feel terrible for feeling the way they do*

With the greatest of respect, it’s not other parents making you feel like that. Do you know how insulting it is as a mother of only sons to be asked when you’re trying for a girl, how do you relate, boys are like dogs they need loads of exercise ha ha ha.

If you can’t let these comments roll over you then it suggests maybe your emotions are a little out of whack.

@Bumpitybumper Thank you. This thread actually promoted me to talk to my MIL about it this afternoon. She also had two boys! I do feel a lot better for having discussed it. Like I have given myself permission to have those feelings.