How much do you talk to your secondary kids about your life ?

[Lardlizard]

My dd 12,almost,
We have lots of chats and talks about life

And say I have a row with dh she will make comments to me about it like are you ok mummy

Andshe will say oh is he being selfish
her own observations about what she’s hearing him say n do

That’s just one example when there’s a stressful situation. Going on not regarding dh
She will ask questions

Mine don't....comment on my relationship with DH that is. A child of 12 shouldn't feel she needs to check if you're ok.

Interesting thought, kids aren't daft, they're going to have thoughts about situations they see around them, especially they're parents arguing. Surely it's natural for them to ask if they're ok?

I think it's good to talk it through but more from their perspective, there's definitely a line I wouldn't want to cross in terms of dumping my problems on my child.

My eldest is very critical of her father. It’s difficult to manage because she’s often right. (But he does have redeeming features.)

Yeah I agree, I’m always mindful not to say adult things to her, but is very bright and notices things around her

I just explain that in the same way my boys have different friends and sometimes they argue, DH and I don't always see eye to eye. We have our own opinions and sometimes we argue, disagree. It's normal. Living with someone is hard and arguments happen.

Would you be happy if she was commiserating with DH about your flaws.

Yes I talk about my old life and growing up.
No, I don't think a 12 year old should be asking if you are ok. This is not her responsibility. She's being shouldered with too much.

My mum used to tell me stuff all the time, everything a child should not be hearing about her life. I was her daughter, not her friend or confident but she treated me like that and I had to grow up very fast and be the parent to HER. Even now I'm mid 30s she still call me to get me to "talk sense into her" and she'll cry down the phone, or sound off about stuff. I cannot show emotion or contact her for help myself. I'll never do that to my children.

And both parents would bitch about the other. It was horrible. She sounds like she's staying bad things about her dad to make you feel better. This is wrong on so many levels, and you should shut down those types of conversations as soon as you think they're happening. It's not right.

Ewww that’s not cool discussing your relationship with her father like she’s your Bessie mate. Don’t put her in that situation!

So is this more about how to deal with her observations?
I think reassurance that yes, I’m fine, it’s all part of being a partnership/ dad’s upset about XYZ but when he’s calmed down we’ll talk properly just like you do with your mates.
If dh is being abusive though , then that will need potentially handling differently.......