Would you tell your dc about fathers mh condition?

[mayde]

If you or your dh had a mental health condition, would you tell your dc?

Up until now it hasn't really affected them but as they are getting older they are questioning things.

I don't want them to think daddy's miserable and sad all the time, when he's actually ill. We cannot do much as a family as it's great effort for him and now our eldest who is 8 has started to ask why .

I have sometimes said daddy's ill or tired but obviously they don't understand there is a lot more to it than that.

How could I explain to them the truth without scaring them?

It scares me as I don't understand a lot about his illness and I don't expect them too either.

I just don't want them to think he's being selfish.

Age is relevant here, how old are they?

I think it’s ok to mention the condition depending on age but you must NEVER put on them about the condition (I.e expect them to be a listening ear) as they are children.

If they are very young saying daddy’s ill so tired is enough imo

Growing up my dad had a real problem with depression to the point he ended up in hospital a few times. It was explained to me from as young as I can remember that in his brain there were two sides which didnt talk to each other which made him ill.

It didnt scare me, it was what it was and I guess having it explained "clinically" as an illness really helped me understand something I was too young to understand.

My advice would be you should be as honest as you can without terrifying him. Treating it how you would any other illness is helpful, I think. How would you explain if he had a broken arm for example.

(Real problem is the wrong phrasing. He was very ill, but it is now very well controlled.)

There's a book called the hidden chimp or my hidden chimp by prof Steve Peter's which might help explain to children

"It scares me as I don't understand a lot about his illness and I don't expect them too either"

It might help you if younfound out more about his illness, including possible treatment, prognoses and timelines. It's unlikely to be scarier to find out than to live with worry. And it'll help you help your DC.

This resource page from MIND might be useful - you'll be talking about DH not yourself, but the general idea is the same

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/parenting-with-a-mental-health-problem/helping-your-children/#.XNSUbtHTWhA

I think it would be best to be honest but use age appropriate language. You could start by asking your DC how they feel about their Dad missing out on things and let them lead the conversation.

I think it’s important to get the point across that mental illness is no different from physical illness. It helps put it in terms they may understand rather than Daddy is just feeling sad- as we all feel sad sometimes but mental health is more than that (without knowing the specifics of your DHs illness). You could say it’s similar to a broken leg, or appendicitis or heart condition! But it’s a bit more tricky to fix. Then you can go on to explain the symptoms of Daddy’s illness and why he may act a certain way- in an honest, non scary way.

You sounds very supportive of your DH and like you’re doing a great job.
You could take a look at the Mind website and see if they have any tips on supporting the children through it.

Maybe Daddy has an illness which makes him very sad. I grew up with a father with MH problems and I only started understanding about age 10. Looking back its difficult as I presumed his erratic moods and sadness were normal. Not sure how my mother should have broached it though. Are there support groups for families in your position? It must be hard.

OP said her oldest is 8. They can understand a bit at that age.
I would say something like, just as we can get a tummy ache, headache, sore throat, our feelings and thoughts can get ill.
Surely it's up to your DH to decide what to say and explain for himself, though?

@PerfectPeony2 thank you so much for your kind words. No one as ever told me I'm doing a good job as I don't have any one to talk to about this.

I support him the best I can but it's unbelievably hard sometimes.

I believe our eldest who's 8 would be able to understand if I explained the way some of you have suggested.

I hope they don't feel they need to act differently around him.

It was never discussed in my family. He would sometimes be hospitalised and we just never asked. It had a huge impact on his children as we always assumed it was our fault and I certainly had extreme anxiety over it.
I would suggest as pp and explain it to them in age appropriate words.

I've been the child in this situation if you want to PM me.

Mayde of course, you are absolutely doing an amazing job.

My brother has very serious mental health issues (diagnosed schizophrenia) and whilst I know it’s so hard for him to deal with and he loves his kids, I think his partner deserves a medal for everything she does to support him and keep the children looked after. At times it must feel like she is a single parent. It affects the whole family! More so than a physical illness in some ways as it’s not something than can be ‘fixed’.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to about this? Is DH open about his MH issues with family/ friends? It sounds like you could do with some real life support- you don’t need to do it all on your own.

I have been here. I feel for you.

My OH suffered with v poor mental health for a good few years. We have young children. Your children will more than likely be trying to make sense of it all and the truth is probably far less scary than what they will come up with on their own.

It's incredibly tough for the one holding the family together. I hope you have some good support IRL.

We are all now out the other side but it was tough and we are still dealing with impact on us all.

Feel free to DM me.

When my son was about 7 his dad was diagnosed with bipolar. We were separated, had been for years, but son saw dad every week. His dad had a manic phase lasting months and months so I stopped contact (long story).

I explained daddy was ill. I said his brain was poorly. But because it's his brain we can't put a plaster on it, like we can on a scratch. We can tell when a leg or arm is broken because it has a plastic cast on it. He then asked "How can you tell when a brain is poorly?'

I explained that when a brain is poorly, sometimes you can tell because the illness makes the brain not work properly and because the brain controls what we say and do, then when it is poorly it can make us say and do things we don't mean or wouldn't normally say/do. The doctors can make it better with tablets but it can take a while for the doctors to find exactly the right tablets and the right amount.

I also explained (in very basic language) about missing chemicals in the brain and how the tablets put the chemicals back into the brain, it just takes time.

He accepted that explanation and was fine. Meds all sorted and Dad is now fine too.

It is schizophrenia that my dh has too.

Our families know about is illness but have absolutely no idea what it is like to live with.

Unfortunately my family have had a very bad violet experience with someone who also had schizophrenia. This has scared them off really and it has made me very scared and alone as I do worry every day if dh will suddenly 'snap' and become violent too without realising.

He is quite ashamed of his illness so does not tell many people.

We literally deal with it on our own.

He is taking prescribed medication but that too comes with side effects.

I wish so much that our dc could have known their father before his illness struck. It upsets me so much that all they've known is him to be ill.

When I was a child I found it very frightening that there was a lot going wrong in our family, and none of it was spoken about. It was like having 2 different realities, and it was a huge strain.
I’d find a way to talk to your children about it, just a simple quite functional explanation like the chemicals on his nervous system are out of balance ( or whatever is going on for him) .

But it sounds like you’re doing well on a tough situation op.

They will know something is wrong. I knew when I was 4. The best thing you can do is be open otherwise the situation will become more confusing for them. They shouldn’t have to feel they need to hide it

I think people just don’t understand what schizophrenia actually is. I know we didn’t. I hate that it has been portrayed badly in the media as ‘split personality’. Which is just not the case.

My family member had a violent outburst too (so so out of character!!)during an episode of psychosis. There was a lot of warning signs leading up to that point. I always tell myself it will never happen again because we would never let it get to that point again without intervention. Plus he’s also on meds. I really do think your DH should talk to his family more about his illness, it is NOTHING to be ashamed of. People need educating on schizophrenia and being open and honest about everything will massively aid recovery imo. With my brother we will regular have open and honest conservations about meds. It is a serious diagnosis that you all have to live with- you wouldn’t keep cancer a secret! You both need people on your side. I know they already know he has it but don’t be afraid to talk about your day to day life and how he is doing. You don’t need to do
It all alone!

Hope it goes well with talking to the kids.