Has anyone successfully helped a hoarder?

[Frouby]

My fil is mid 70s, not in the best of health, had 2 strokes, walks with a stick or uses a mobility scooter. Mil died 10 years ago and he has a new partner.

New partner is a lovely woman. Scatty but nice. She lives with fil in his council bungalow, but owns her own property 15 miles away. Neither of them drives.

They have been together about 5 years.

Fil is a selfish bugger, and I am low contact with him. Dh generally sees him every few months, I see him once a year at Christmas generally. No big arguements between me and fil, he has done a few pretty rotten things to dh in the past, so I keep my distance to save an arguement.

I tend to speak to fil when he wants some admin type official thing doing. Am fine with that, hes an old man and dhs dad, it's a couple of times a year. Yesterday he called and asked me to help him get a walk in shower fitted via the council. Sorted that out then he phoned back and is worried about the council coming to assess the property.

His partner is a hoarder, we knew this. Her own property is uninhabitable because of the hoarding. Not my problem to solve.

However, fil says she has now completely filled the spare room at his bungalow, and has started piling stuff up in their bedroom. Last time I went at Christmas it was very cluttered, every side filled, she had to move stuff off the sofa for us all to sit down, kitchen sides all junked up.

Fil has asked me to help him sort it out. He doesn't want to live like this and wants to empty the spare room and all the clutter. Hes asked her to stop, but she wont. Or can't.

Is there any way I can help them? She is in her 70s as well. And I am also concerned that if fil dies, or ends up in permanent residential care, that she won't be able to stay in the bungalow as she owns another property. She will have a fuckton of stuff, no transport, and no where to transport it to.

We don't have time to go through all this for her. We could do a few tip/charity shop runs. But even if we did have the time, I can't see her parting with this stuff easily.

Would this be worth a referral to adult ss? Am worried about fils mobility and all this stuff has got to be a fire risk. But I don't know if they would A. Get involved and B. Be able to tell adults to clean up.

She has 2 dcs I believe but they must be in their 50s and don't live locally. I don't know if they are aware of the issues their mum has either. Fil also has a dd, but she has been no contact for a number of years, which I can understand.

Is there anything I can do?

Sorry i didn't actually reply to your question, the answer is no, I haven't successfully helped a hoarder.

I'm a hoarder (level 2 on that chart) and really want to not be. I've had friends come in and sort the ground floor of my house, been so happy and grateful, and then a month later it's back to how it was and I couldn't even tell you how. It's so much more difficult than just "trying more".

DH is a hoarder. Level 2 when he lived alone and level 1 now. It is a constant part of my housekeeping to ensure that we don’t go beyond level 1 in our house. It is mental illness and very hard to tackle. DH did clear his own place before we sold it himself, it took 12 months of us living elsewhere and it was traumatic for him (he wouldn’t allow me to help).

Fortunately no pets were involved when he lived alone and now we have pets and he clears up perfectly after them.

Faeces/wee puddles would have definitely pushed me over the edge.

OP I think if you take this on remotely it’s a recipe for disaster and resentment. All you can do is suggest to FIL that he gets her to go to counselling. You can’t fix this.

Not wishing to hijack the thread but StormTreader and AppleKatie did you seek medical help for you/your partner?
(I did.)

OP there was an ongoing thread on here a while ago of a lady's journey helping a family member to clear his house out.

I wonder if anybody remembers and could find it? Could be useful reading for you

My first thought if what does your FIL actually want you to do that is something he couldn't do himself? 'Sort it out' is very very vague. Why can't he confront her, call SS, throw some stuff out, whatever it is he wants from you? Put the ball firmly back in his court. Say you won't do anything without her permission... which of course is the whole problem but which is up to him to figure out.

I agree with you all, there is little to nothing I can do. I think fil just wants me to go up, start emptying stuff and his partner to be ok with that, which of course she won't be.

I keep my distance from fil, for very good reasons as does dh. All dh has said is that it's getting worse and he's concerned his dad may fall and that he's sad the house is a mess. He doesn't expect me to sort it out or bend over backwards, he knows my feelings towards his dad.

I think sunday will just be a box ticking exercise. 'Oh fil it's a mess you need to sort this out before occupational health come in, do you want me to come back next week and do a tip run? Is there anything I can take now?

We have 2 dcs, 2 ponies, an allotment, I work, dh works and we have our own housekeeping and jobs to do on a weekend. If fil was a nice person, dangling his grandchildren on his knee and nice to dh I would be more inclined to help.

But he isn't. He's not a nice man. A bully and an addict himself so unfortunately I won't be spending much time on this. Whicb is what I originally expected but this thread has been useful as it confirms it's not just a case of a good tidy up and a tip run.

to all that are dealing with it, it must be very difficult. It's not something I have come across personally before now.

"did you seek medical help for you/your partner? "

No, I did contact a hoarding charity but heard nothing back.
To be honest, it's a hard one because in my head its simultaneously "objectively terrible" and "not that bad". I find that if I host a social games day once every month or so then that prompts me to pull it back a little because my everyday fine is far below what I know people will be uncomfortable with, plus games require people to have somewhere to sit and a cleared table to play at...

I currently would love a cat but know that I cannot add cat fur/hairballs/vomit etc to this because I could so easily not find it behind boxes for a month :( I have to limit the risk where I see it.

StormTreader
Sounds like you have awareness and strategies in place. For me it was about dealing with the uderlying trauma and depression first, which was hard and took a long time.

Vanellope thank you - unfortunately counselling etc has not helped with my underlying depression so any kind of damage limitation is really all I can do. The worse my mental health is, the worse the house is - you really can see where my mood is within 10 seconds of being in the house, at the worst times I wouldn't let anyone in for about a year. Tradespeople etc is still a major concern.

Not wishing to hijack the thread but StormTreader and AppleKatie did you seek medical help for you/your partner?
(I did.)

Yes although not specifically for the hoarding at first. He is on anti depressants/anti anxiety meds and has had various counselling over the years where it has been discussed. It is mainly in check now, we have a messy shed and a few drawers/cupboards I wouldn’t like anyone to look too closely in and his work bag is an unholy mess inside. Though if you visited our house you wouldn’t know he had a problem.

AppleKatie good to hear, he's lucky to have you. (My DH never judged and has been v helpful once I was ready for it.)

Honestly do nothing. From cold hard experience any interference will not be appreciated and it will reoccur almost immediately.
I have just mentally allocated thousands should the boarder die because there is no way I am ever going there again. Unless it catches fire first.