Why must I be an overthinker, pessimistic, my own biggest critic and a perfectionist?
I've been like this since I can remember (perhaps age 8) but definitely got more intense after puberty and still, in mid-20s like that (perhaps even worse now..!)
Every nerve wracking situation coming up, I overthink to the point I feel nausea from the sheer pressure even a little meeting with one other person - I'm thinking: oh no I'll need to keep the conversation going, see, interesting, competent, etc. so I always feel the need to nod too much to show them I'm listening and also contribute too much to conversation almost as if it's an exam and I'm writing as much as I can.
I can literally over-think even eating with someone to the point I feel ill and won't want to go yet some moments, I can be the bubbliest, loudest, liveliest person there. I hate swaying between wanting to hide in a shell and wanting to go on stage.. like I swing between the extremes.. I crave attention, admiration, etc. way too much and so hide away from it as I want it to be much so I get anxious, feel pressured and feel nausea :(
Is it a vitamin deficiency, bacterial imbalance, just the way I am?
I did have some CBT years ago but wasn't very helpful and private therapy etc is very expensive.