I don't think I'm very well

[HodditsDoddit]

I was seriously ill in December. There is still a pretty big question mark over what was actually wrong with me. There has been alot of uncertainty over it and doctors don't seem to agree on the actual diagnosis but the most logical explanation has been infection with sepsis. Several autoimmune diseases, cancer etc have been suggested and ruled out mostly, I have a hematology appointment tomorrow to rule out lymphoma.

Whilst recovering I developed a secondary infection which went undiagnosed for about 10 weeks, this resulted in the infection being again quite severe but I am recovering.

I've been coping fine on the surface. I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down. I want to pick up my girls and just leave for a few days somewhere nobody knows. I don't feel able to explain it all properly here let alone in rl.

I don't even know why I'm posting I just need to put it somewhere I think.

Oh my love. You must be frightened on top of the weariness of being ill. Can you talk to anyone tonight? Is someone going with you tomorrow?

I don’t have advice but you have my sympathy
Is a break feasible, once your appointment is over with? Any support lines for the illness they suspect you of having? Failing that, a visit to the GP to discuss the mental toll the physical illness is having x

No, a rheumatology consultant has said that there has been a reduction is size of lymph nodes in my chest so I do think tomorrow is just a formality and that I'll be discharged tomorrow so I'm going myself (with my 2yo infect)

I just don't feel like I can speak to anyone because my family (husband, mum, dad, brother) have all lived it with me and I've always put up a front of being ok. I feel like it would be such a turn around to say I wasn't. The only person I think would understand is my Granny and she isn't in the best place herself right now...

Oh you poor thing. You've had a right old time, it's no wonder that you want to fall in a heap. Maybe you should ask the GP about counseling. And even if you have been putting a brave face on there's no shame in goiing to your mum and saying Actually I don't feel I'm coping, Mum.
Surely she wouldn't be totally surprised after all you've been through? Cut yourself some slack

We have cancelled our holiday because I can't fly/be in the sun due to an open wound. A break in itself is feasible but for some reason I've gone into retreat mode and just want my girls with me.

My husband is amazing and supportive and I don't think he would get that, even I don't so I couldn't blame him. I just have this need to want to retreat to just me and the kids. I think its because if I had them alone I'd be doing it all myself and my mind would be on that and nothing else. If he's there he takes over because he's trying to make me rest (because he's a bloody angel). I just need as little time to think as possible.

How did today go @HodditsDoddit?