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Original poster

Talking to young children about death

24 replies

CaveMum · 07/05/2019 22:47

DH’s mum passed away this morning, she was 79. She had been unwell but this was unexpected: she’d had a couple of falls and chest infections over the last few months but nothing to indicate this was on the cards.

We have a 5yo DD and a 2yo DS. DD is bright as a button and knows Granny hasn’t been very well lately but I’ve no idea how to tell her that she has died.

This is the first real incident of death I’ve had to deal with and I’m not sure what to do. DH and I have agreed not to tell her for a day or two while we get our own heads around it all, and I know that we should be simple but factual about it.

I know not to talk about “sleeping” but it looks like MIL went in her sleep - she was found by her carers in bed this morning - so the question of where it happened could be tricky to deal with. We’re also not religious so talk of heaven, etc will probably confuse her.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Smellybluecheese · 07/05/2019 23:37

My MIL died in December. We have a 4 year old DD. Slightly different in that she’d been ill/ disabled for a long time with MS but the end was quite unexpected. After we’d been told that she was going to die we took DD to visit her in the hospital. I told her in advance what was happening. And that it meant she wasn’t going to see Granny again. MIL died when we were on the way to visit her in the hospice and DH was told over speakerphone in the car - so DD heard. We have just kept it all very matter of fact and explained that she died because she was very ill. DD took it well but has had a couple of worries about her own mortality and only recently has started to say that she wishes Granny could come back and she misses her so I think it’s just sinking in a few months later.

frasersmummy · 07/05/2019 23:46

Dont say gran died in her sleep... Experience tells me every time you nod off she will panic.
Just keep it simple... Gran wasn't well and has died. That means we have to say goodbye to her..we can't see her anymore.but you'll always carry her in your heart.

Not sure about leaving it for a matter of says. Dd may hear it other places or even just be mad at you when she's older... Yelled at you in teenage rage...you didn't even tell me when my gran died

But each to their own.. Do what feels right for your family

I am deeply sorry for your loss

Nnnnnineteen · 07/05/2019 23:48

I'm very sorry for your loss
You don't need details, just facts: granny died.
If you get questions, answer factually. Your dc are little, they don't need info, just be brief and as honest as you can bear.
If you believe in heaven, then she's gone there. If you don't, tell them what you believe.

Nnnnnineteen · 07/05/2019 23:52

Ah sorry, missed the end. If you don't believe in heaven, what do you think would be appropriate? At that age dd assumed everyone went and when I announced a death, she just went, ah, gone to heaven? And I said : mmm. And we left it. If you feel strongly about something, share it on an age appropriate level. It is never too soon to teach kids death is normal, my first experience was as a teenager and I lost the plot!

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 08/05/2019 00:06

Sorry for your loss

We had similar ages but after a long illness

We said something along the lines of we had some very sad news and that ((name)) had died. As you know they had been poorly and sometimes that means that even though the Dr's tried they couldn't make them better. (we do believe in heaven so said here about not being I pain anymore). It means sadly you won't be able to see them anymore but you can think of them and we can talk about them even though we all feel very sad right now and we will always remember them and how much they loved you.

One thing dh wasnt prepared for (he wasn't there I told them on my own) was how accepting they were of it. I think because they were so young and it took a while for it to sink in so although they were sad they didn't cry. I think in the early stages of grief this is hard as a an adult.

42andcounting · 08/05/2019 00:17

All of the GPs passed away before our DD was a few weeks old, and she has always struggled with understanding it. However, thanks to a fabulous explanation I saw on MN, I think she has now started to get to grips with it; she is also 5yo, so maybe it will help you too.

We explained that being alive is a brilliant thing because you get to do all kinds of great things like ride your bike, draw, have hugs, swim, etc. And that all living things, people, animals, etc get a turn at being alive. Some people have a long turn and some people have a short turn, but the important thing is to make the most of it when it's your turn. She seemed to really get this explanation, as at this age taking turns is pretty well embedded.

She also asked about what happens to your body, and we told her that when your turn finishes the little spark inside you that makes you, you (that some people call your soul) leaves your body, and then you don't need your body any more, so you leave it behind, just like taking your clothes off at the end of the day. She asked us if your soul goes to heaven, and we said some people believe that, but nobody really knows, because the only people who know for sure are the people that have died, but that she could decide what she believes as she gets older. She seems quite happy with that explanation, but you will know better whether you think your DD will respond well to that or not.

One last thing, don't be surprised if she asks you the same thing repeatedly over the coming weeks. We found it very upsetting at times, but she was really just trying to make sense of it all. Good luck, and my condolences to you

Stompythedinosaur · 08/05/2019 00:25

Brief and factual is the way to go. Start with a phrase that lets the dc know what sort of conversation you are going to have, then explain in simple language e.g. "I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma has died. That means her body has stopped working and we won't be able to see her anymore. Daddy feels very sad about Grandma dying, but it is ok for you to feel any way about it".

Children process through play, so it would be totally normal for them to play games about death after the news.

MumUnderTheMoon · 08/05/2019 00:27

Just use direct language no "passed away" or "gone". Just we won't see her again but we'll always remember her. If they say anything about heaven. You could say that that's a nice idea but you think that when people die it's because they were finished doing everything they needed to? None of that sounds very comforting and probably a bit cold but when they're that young I can't imagine they'll understand the emotional impact the way an older child would so sticking to the facts might be ok.

Original poster

CaveMum · 08/05/2019 06:19

Thank you everyone, that’s really helpful. When I say we might leave it a few days, I mean until the weekend when there is time to sit down properly and talk and also so that we’re not telling her in that short few hours between end of school bed, etc. We’ll see how it goes today once DH has sorted the death certificate and seen the funeral director.

Re the heaven thing, we’re not atheist by any stretch just not really religious so I’m not sure if she’ll “get it@.

OP posts:

Phillipa12 · 08/05/2019 06:37

Simple and factual. My eldest ds was 5 when his little sister died, we told him that Pippa was very poorly and the drs tried there hardest but she was too ill and had died. He has also lost 3 grandparents in the 5 years since. I have also learnt to stop talking when they stop, as in only answer the question asked, if they require further info they will ask, it just allowed my ds to process a little bit before he came back for more. Am very sorry for your loss.

Original poster

CaveMum · 08/05/2019 06:56

Thank you Phillipa12, I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter Pippa.

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DontWannaBeObamasElf · 08/05/2019 07:00

I’m very sorry for your loss

I told my daughter that her Great Granny was very poorly and sore and that she had died to go and live in a star. She asked a few times if she was coming back but understood it fairly quickly. She had just turned five.

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 08/05/2019 13:18

Oh and I'm sure you've thought about it already but remember to tell her class teacher as sometimes something small at school can cause her to be more upset than usual or to ask questions then at least the teacher is forewarned

Original poster

CaveMum · 08/05/2019 13:42

Needcoffee, yes thanks we are going to tell her teacher once we’ve told her. Need to also find out what the situation is with taking her out of school for the funeral.

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 08/05/2019 13:44

Just tell her she's died. That's what I've always done. Mine is 5 and she understands what it means

TeaForDad · 08/05/2019 13:49

My 4yo is asking about death a lot after a horse we knew died.
Be brief
Be factual

She now often says "daddy when you die I'm going to plant a tree to remember you" :)

Bluebelltulip · 08/05/2019 13:54

I agree with others about being direct and factual. Don't forgot this also impacts the younger one too who also needs to be talked to about it. I would be wary of waiting a few days as she's likely picked up that her parents are upset. Sorry for your loss x

jenthelibrarian · 08/05/2019 14:04

Agree, be straightforward and factual, and be prepared for either what seems like almost casual indifference, or morbid fascination with the subject.

My daughter, loudly in Sainsbury's: "If you find a dead person in the road do you have to bury them or burn them up to ashes yourself?"

Your school or local public library might have some helpful stuff, there is a rather nice picture book called 'Badger's Parting Gifts' and a couple of similar titles around. I keep them in 'reserve stock' in my school library for when they are needed.

My sympathy and love to your family.

Damntheman · 08/05/2019 14:13

My dad died when my DS was 3 and I am still getting morbid random questions all over the place from him now that he's almost 6. Be prepared for that!

Agree with the PP who said don't tell her granny died in her sleep, you do not want that association! Keep it simple, let them see you grieving, it's normal and they should know that it's okay to cry.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

stucknoue · 08/05/2019 14:41

The advice that we give is to be direct and up front. Do not use euphemisms like "sleeping" or "passed away" however blunt it make sound, use died. Talk about how we are all sad but she was very unwell, sometimes emphasising that she was old (actually not that old but old to your children) helps because they will be worried about loosing you. There's some story books that help some children and I'm sure plenty of online resources. Loads of reassurance and be guided by them - at 5 she may wish to take part properly in the funeral rituals, my friends dgs read a bit from Winnie the Pooh at just 6 his suggestion for instance.

So sorry for your loss, it's hard for you too, don't be afraid to let them see you are sad, but be aware kids can go in and out of grief, in a way adults can't so if they want to do their normal routine that's fine too

Original poster

CaveMum · 08/05/2019 15:00

Thanks everyone, we’re going to tell her tomorrow after school. DH is going to be out dealing with GP, registering the death and funeral directors till later today and won’t get home until shortly before bedtime. We want to do it together and I don’t want to tell her just as she’s going to bed.

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RussellSprout · 08/05/2019 16:49

Just had a death in the family of my very old great aunt. My kids are slightly older than yours, but I've just been really honest and matter of fact.

I've said no one knows where we go when we die, maybe we go to heaven maybe we come back as someone else but no one has ever come back to tell us.

They've accepted that, as kids do. It 'helps' that she was very old (over 100) and this was on the cards for a while.

Original poster

CaveMum · 09/05/2019 19:37

We’ve told her today, thanks so much for all your advice it really helped us be prepared for how she might react.

She cried a little then asked what happened and where Granny was now. There have been the odd few comments since but more curiosity then anything else.

She very sweetly tried to tell her little brother (just turned 2) so I explained to her that he probably didn’t understand but that as he gets bigger she can help us tell him all about Granny.

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x2boys · 09/05/2019 20:25

Kids are more resilient than you might think,my husband's sister died suddenly when ds1was 8 he was close to her and his cousins the death was completely unexpected and a huge shock it also caused a family rift due to the circumstances,we just told him the truth and tbh he coped with it far better than I imagined it your not religious than I wouldn't complicate things with talk.of heaven or afterlife ,it may take a while to process and ds1asked questions for a long time after .

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