Homework battles with 12 year old ds. Best way to deal with it?

[losenotloose]

It's an on going problem. He leaves it til the last minute, then does it poorly or goes to bed late getting it done, I get pissed off so regularly remind him he has homework to do, he moans that I'm always 'nagging' etc etc. So last week I lost my temper and told him I would no longer remind him about homework but if it's not done, they'll be consequences. So, today's the first day he needed to do homework to hand in tomorrow. I didn't remind him. He didn't do it 😡.

I'm planning on saying that means no technology after school because he needs to know it's not on. Is that fair? I worry about his poor work ethic. He doesn't even get that much homework. How's he going to cope when he gets to GCSEs?

I made mine do it the day the got it in Year 7. I gave them no choice and stood in the same room.

I ask every day and I check their bags regularly (though no longer every day).

They get discipline marks at school if they don't hand their work in or they haven't completed it. They don't like that.

I wouldn't hesitate to remove tech after school if he's refusing to do homework. Don't give it back until it's done. At 12 he'll be spending more time arguing about it than actually doing it!

I probably wouldn't punish him at home (by saying no technology) as I would expect he will be punished at school. I think you are right to let him sink or swim by his own efforts though.

I set aside an hour between 4 to 5 every school day where he either does homework or helps me clean the house. Funnily enough he chooses homework. I check the homework at the end and if it isn't done to a high enough standard he has to do it again. If he doesnt have any homework he can clean or read a book. He normally chooses cleaning then because he hates reading!

Homework not done, or not to correct standard means no screens here. It's DS's choice what he does, but if I can see there is homework to be done on the portal he doesn't get access to his pc or the TV until it is done.

By 12 I wasn't involved with homework at all, if ds didn't do it then it was his look out, I wasn't going to get involved in arguing about it.

Does school have a homework club? It might be worth asking the teachers if he can do an hour at school with supervised help (it is generally only the vaguest help, but even just knowing you have to sit down and do it for an hour can create a good habit)

He is probably anxious about it, and that is why he puts it off/does it badly.

I think the problem you have now is that once he hasn't done it, you will find that the Rubicon has been crossed, and he will realise that it is entirely up to him if he does homework or not...schools cannot do more than give detentions, they cannot physically make you do good work.

So rather than punish I think you have to incentivize. Maybe encourage him to do his favourite homework first, give him snacks whilst he is doing it, say nice things to him for doing it, turn it into something he can be proud of.

Anxiety is a killer with homework. I've had two sons with homework allergies. One has ended up very diligent, one plods through and does it as fast as possible. I've accepted he is pretty slip shod, but at least it is done. It isn't possible really to impose your style on someone else, but you can at least start with baby steps to make it less alarming, and then habits gets created.

Ok, so hopefully I'm on the right track. I don't want to just let the school deal with it as unfortunately I think he'd rather just take the detention. If he thought we'd just let him get away with it he'd never do it. He's too young and immature to be allowed to decide these things, imo.

@Bunnybigears idea sounds great tbh. It'd have worked on me!

I would be very very wary of shaming him and talking about Gsces etc. First year of secondary is a tough year. Try and praise him for getting through school day (yes, it is worth it to give praise) Make a good association with school, not a sense of having to live up to someone else's standards/hopes. He will be getting pep talks at school, you have to be the one that just gives encouragement without putting the pressure on. Maybe he actually finds it difficult, is there anything that you can help him with. We used to dictate some of ds1's history to him, just to give him a sense of getting somewhere and then he would finish it himself.

Nettle that's a very charitable view but believe me, he's far from anxious. He's like this with everything. He does no clubs because trying to get him to go to them made life unbearable. He's stubborn and pig headed and likes to get his own way. He's doing well at school now and thinks that's enough but at some point he'll actually have to start making an effort.

He's in year 8 but has been like this since primary school! We're here for him if he needs help and he knows that, he'd just rather go on the pc/lie in the bath/generally laze around. Which is absolutely fine up to a point but he gets around 1 to 2 hours homework a week, hardly a heavy load. And he would hate being made to go to homework club, I've suggested it.

I think I'm just going to say no homework =no technology. He'll kick up a stink no doubt but I'm fed up of being called a nag and moaned at!

don't want to just let the school deal with it as unfortunately I think he'd rather just take the detention but they won't allow that indefinitely,the consequence of not doing homework is trouble at school- let him deal with the consequences,he's old enough.