Going NC

[imfeelinit]

Not sure I've put this in the right place!

Long story short I've had a very bad relationship with my mum since I was a child. She is narcissistic and has very erratic behaviour. I suspect something else is going on in her life that she will not disclose with me (fair enough).

To put it lightly, I've had enough of the abuse, the fighting, the feeling of not being good enough in comparison to my older siblings.

So, after seeking refuge in her house over a year ago after leaving an abusive boyfriend, tomorrow, I am moving out and I feel it's best for my mental health (history of anxiety and depression) to just go no contact with her.

I see a lot of posts on here about others going NC with members of family / friends and wonder how you do it?
Is it a case of changing numbers on phone or blocking on social media?

Please help, I'm at my wits end. *i've name changed for this post.

Usually I say just go no contact by stealth, don’t announce it don’t answer calls etc but I think given you’ve been living with her you need to say don’t contact me again etc.
If she attempts to contact then just ignore, which isn’t easy at first but over time definitely gets easier

Hi, I’m NC with my mother.

I told her I needed a few months of space while I went through therapy. I wasn’t granted that, she hounded me via post and text and ‘flying monkeys’ (other family members on her behalf). I stuck to my guns. Relationship never recovered after that. She was eager to just slot back in to my life but having distanced myself and gained a lot of self esteem, self understanding and peace, I didn’t feel able to allow it. So we had some back and forth via letter and email where I tried in vain to make her understand and not keep trying to boss me about and put pressure on me but it didn’t work so I had to walk away.

It wasn’t easy I can’t lie. But the peace has been so worth it. The more time goes by the more it’s like I’m afforded a helicopter view of how things were and it’s clear why I was unhappy.

So- how to do it. Depending on the situation and the mother you can either tell them you need space, or if things are raw and unpleasant you can just block them via your phone (v easy on iPhone), email etc.

And I’d suggest seeing a counsellor to help you work it out in your head.

Stay strong, all the best to you.

Thank you @Dontcomeinmygarden @Creamegghunter

I don't envision it being easy but I'm staying strong. I have told her I'm on my very last straw and trying to hold it together is hard but needs must. I am really looking forward to seeing some improvements in myself - lacking self esteem is one of them as I've never been "perfect enough" for her.

I'm thankfully not in the position of having any DC yet, so nobody else's lives will be affected by this, just hopefully hers!

You’re much better off doing this pre- children, my mother had turned herself into a tragic victim who is desperately missing her grandson. Makes everything so much more complicated.

That is so twisted. I don't mean to pry but does she act like you're the one being horrible in the whole situation?

Here is a relevant thread for you

"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3436970-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Thanks @avocadoincident I'll have a read later.

Currently packing and getting rid of what's not needed, in an attempt to get as much as possible out of her house before she returns in the next few days.

Never thought it would get to this but here we are!

Yes. I even had her and my aunt trying to ban me from visiting my dying grandmother because they saw that as fair for what I’d done (sever our relationship).

I’m glad you’re packing and doing this. You will feel so much better I’m sure. Do you have some support IRL?

@imfeelinit it's a LONG thread that I haven't read myself but it's a group of people who are NC and can provide support when FOG (fear obligation and guilt) kick in

I’m NC with my mother, I haven’t spoken to her/seen her in almost ten years, I haven’t changed my phone number, but she doesn’t know my address. She sends abusive messages a few times of year via social media, so I’m not sure she actually has my mobile number.

I do see my Dad a few times a year (with my mother doesn’t know about), he knows if he passed any information on to her I would have to stop seeing him as I simply cannot cope with her coming back into my life in any way.

@Dontcomeinmygarden that is unbelievable.

Yes, I've some support IRL as far as my dad (who is kindly letting me stay with him til my house is ready in 2 weeks) and my DP who is currently away working but keeping in touch. As for friends and my friendly work colleagues, I'm not letting on about this at all as I'm not sure if my M will try to reach out to them to find out where I am. I have asked my D that he do not tell her where I am as I know her first step will be to come to his house and kick off.

@SimonJT that is awful, but will be doing the same when it comes to my D. We have a close relationship but I don't want her coming in the way of that.