This is my first post. I just don't know what to do anymore. Long story short, I grew up in an abusive household with two very narcissistic control freak maniac and bullying neglectful parents. Both were always so self centred and caught up in their individual family dramas and family feuds with crossfire between both families, and me and my siblings were left to fend for ourselves against these parents when made scapegoats for their anger and frustrations. We also had to fight off extended members of the family who were allowed to bully us too.
Fast forward, we have matured into young women (being a family of girls with one younger brother and an 8 year old sister - the parents never stopped making the team because they never really raised any of us)!
Now that the time has come for us all to move on and get married; when the in laws to be are now visiting before the weddings, and the families are getting to know each other (for each of us), my dad has learnt to behave and socially is very well put together which works in our benefit to be honest.
My mother on the other hand is a tear away. She simply cannot stomach our happiness, is critical over the smallest of things (like the size of the salad tongs - in front of guests!!!!!), orders me and my siblings around IN FRONT OF GUESTS like the slaves she once used to enjoy controlling us to be, before we grew up, and MUST after meetings with the in laws to be, do nothing but spurt criticism about the new families, our hospitality and serving (which might I add, is impeccable because that's just something me and my siblings keep to a high standard, to ensure our guests feel welcomed and looked after). She is just waiting to combust when no attention is paid to her trying to spark negativity, and it isn't long before she creates a moment to tear away at the happiness with her bitterness and negativity.
It's exhausting. She spoils every happy occasion. She's lucky we as siblings have managed to find middle ground with her, and actually be civilised with her and let her share in our good times so to speak, but with such a massive change happening in our lives; her self pity party, criticism and attention seeking ways are doing nothing but causing anxiety, opening up old wounds that haven't fully healed... she's toxic.
Each of us is already dealing with old wounds in different ways. I'm personally getting counselling which feels like, I take on step forward, and when she behaves like this; it takes all the will in the world for me to not get pushed back ten! I can't stand her! But at the same time, I don't want to feel such negativity towards her either. I don't hold much expectation from her other than, she BEHAVES her sorry self now that it's our time to feel, enjoy and embrace the happiness we've found for ourselves.
She has always been a bitter woman for a million different reasons. Unlike my sisters, I do not feel I owe this woman anything after all of what she stole from me and how much of a poor excuse of a mother she has been to each of us.
I sometimes wonder, as amazing as my partner is and as much as he knows and understands my family dynamics; can I really get married into a family where the family are normal? How much can I really expect my partner to understand my routine down days purely as a result of the ongoing dramas and battles with my parents because they simply will not stop their nastiness. No family is perfect, but my partner actually comes from a loving home and some of the things he has come to know about mine, have left him is disbelief.
It's just exhausting and makes me deeply sad. My partner is very loving and does try to understand what he is able too. But I do at times feel embarrassed of my family dynamics. I also feel inferior going into a family where the parents respect their children and have raised them. I fear when my in laws come, my parents will embarrass me through their habits. I feel upset and hurt over this battle within my mine :(