Behavioural or possible diagnosis

[whyyougottaplaythatsongsoloud]

DD is 12 and always had some social difficulties which I've always just accepted as how she is. She struggles to recognise others feelings and can come across as odd/random with things she says or just isolate herself and ignore others. I encourage her to think about others feelings by talking about them but she just doesn't get it.

In school she's a very high achiever (achieved full marks in 2/3 SATS and predicted 9s in GCSEs) and a very strong reader. We always get feedback on parents evening about her fiddling/faffling/doodling in class (at primary this varied by teacher: one said she was constantly fiddling with her hair/pencils/clothes and described it as 'infuriating' another said she fiddles lots and it looks like she's in a dream world but said he didn't tell her off as when questioned she is listening) Since starting high school this seems to have escalated and all teachers on parents evening reported some level of fiddling/doodling and mentioned that she's not 'always quite there' Nobody seemed especially concerned but all mentioned it.

She's suddenly having lots of low level friendship issues which is a new thing as she's always had her head in the clouds and never noticed the fallings out that happens with her friendship group but now she's having lots of issues and twice told me she's pushed someone as they tried to hug her and she doesn't like that. She's had the same friendship group since preschool but now they tend to leave her out of evening and weekend plans and she doesn't get invited. I believe this is due to her behaviour - the difference in her behaviour and theirs is more noticeable now they are all going through puberty as some as now quite grown up and into boys/makeup and DD is still very childlike and awkward. The girls live on the same road and are nice kids and handle DD really well but it's wider friends that she is clashing with.

At home her behaviour can be aggressive but it is manageable provided I leave her when she starts to escalate then come back and address anything that needs it once she's had time to calm. She has a temper and will slam doors and in the past has damaged her own things (mostly throwing in a temper) but since we've given her the cooling off time before dealing with stuff it's been better.

She's always been very clumsy but this seems to be exaggerated by when she's feeling awkward or the focus is on her - so will trip over her own feet, fall off a chair etc. School have always reported this too.

Her half brother is 5 and recently been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, DCD and hyper mobility - we've always said how similar they are in their mannerisms/behaviour and clumsiness as a joke but now DD's differences are impacting on her more I'm worrying that I've ignored something that I should have considered more.

Or am I overanalysing and she's just a bit different/maybe puberty is exacerbating issues? Or should I speak to teachers/GP in case she needs something more?

@AcademicAndParentofASC that's a great point about university. I've never been keen to consider a diagnosis as couldn't see benefits to DD however that does make me reconsider.

@letsgooutstiiiiiiide I've never heard of 2E before. I don't consider her gifted (maybe because I don't like the word, it sounds so exclusive) but she fits the sophisticated sense of humour, the stubbornness and also is disorganised in such a silly way- often goes out the door without her school tie and her friends will spot it instantly and send her straight back in or will forget to close the front door (which drives me crackers)

The doodling is a concern as some teachers have taken issue with it and I'd like to know if this is a symptom of something or just her choice.

I totally agree with regards to the 'masking' I am happy for her to be herself but equally don't wish her to be excluded to her detriment if there's a way of helping her mix a little easier.

Update; I contacted school today and had a chat with SENCO. They suggested that they speak to DD in school, gather information from her teachers and create a profile for her aimed at improving understanding of her behaviours then said they will meet with me and look at next steps.

I was really honest and said I don’t understand how much of it she can control and knowing this would influence how I handle things.

Sounds like a usful step forward.

A lot of people do take exception to the term "gifted". However, it's a completely relevant part of the description - you're interested in her ability to learn.

What you've described is developmental asynchrony in that she is highly academic (i.e. a very capable learner) but socially immature (i.e. not very good at learning or following social cues). This is very likely to be either giftedness, or ASD, and you'll need to work out which, in order to best help her. The two descriptions overlap significantly, but an ed psych, SALT, OT, paediatrician (even a good SENCO or teacher) should all know the difference between giftedness and ASD.