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Original poster

Daily message for super anxious child on school residential

15 replies

Rockbird · 06/05/2019 07:57

I have an 11yo with severe anxiety (she is receiving treatment for this) who is due to go on a week long residential next month. There will be no communication with home, no gadgets etc so she will be totally cut off from me and I'm 100% her lifeline at the moment.

So I was thinking of packing an envelope for each day, maybe with a little note from home or about the activity she'll be doing or something. Will this make her worse or what else could I do? I don't want to make her worse but I know how much she worries about anything and everything.

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 06/05/2019 08:02

Are the teachers aware of the anxiety? Really, they should be supporting her fully. My DD is now 14 but at 12-13 she had quite bad anxiety and when she went away, they checked in with her regularly....gave her a chance to take a break from activities if she needed to...and supported her in general.

I don't think your idea is a bad one at all by the way. She can open the envelopes if she needs to. I also gave DD a scarf with my perfume on it...she might have been "too old" for that sort of thing but it helped her.

MrsWombat · 06/05/2019 08:05

When I went on Brownie camp back in the 80's they used to do this. Parents would write a weeks worth of letters and give them to Brown Owl to hand out.

Original poster

Rockbird · 06/05/2019 08:10

The teachers are aware, yes. One of them has been her main contact throughout all this and is pretty good. But her class teacher and TA who are also going are very much 'stop being silly and get on with it'.

She went on a two day in year 5 and I wrote her a card and she had one of my scarves with my perfume on. She usually carries a scrap of fabric with my perfume on in her pocket at school and that helps her.

I'm being very stoic and not letting her see how concerned I am because I want her to go, I know she'll have an amazing time but I want to see what I can do to make it easier for her.

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EastMidsGPs · 06/05/2019 08:12

Not On The High St (and probably others) have a little enamel badge, small enough for inside a pocket or fastened to belt, bag etc. Small enough to be hidden but know it is there and touched.

It simply says A Hug From Mum. We bought one for our nephew when he went on his first school residential.

AudacityOfHope · 06/05/2019 08:16

Along those lines, when DD started school and was anxious about it, I bought her a small wooden heart, just big enough to hold in her palm.

I told her that if she was ever worried or thinking about us then she could hold the heart and know that we were thinking about her too, and all the cool things we'd do when she got home.

Is something like that maybe more appropriate? I'm just wondering if her opening a daily note is going to get noticed and teased? Or if the content of one of them might set her off if she's on edge one day perhaps.

AudacityOfHope · 06/05/2019 08:17

Sorry, bit of a cross post, I can see you already do something similar!

Mumshappy · 06/05/2019 08:22

Dd15 has had anxiety since aged 10. When she was 11 and went on the residential with school they allowed her to make a quick phone call in the evening to me using a teachers mobile. Would they allow this? I dont think my dd would have managed the week otherwise.

TeenTimesTwo · 06/05/2019 08:25

Are they allowed to take sweets?
Would a little packet to share wrapped up for the end of each day work?

I'm slightly concerned that a daily note might make her homesick rather than reassure. But you are likely to be the best judge.
For DD2's y5 residential we did one letter for the Wed/Thur. Very lighthearted/funny.

Isadora2007 · 06/05/2019 08:25

I’d stick to something like the scarf or stone or similar. That way it’s led by her whether she uses it or not. If she has a note every day she will read them and one of the days it could make her feel worse whereas if she hadn’t had the notes she might not have even thought of you that day at all.

Branleuse · 06/05/2019 08:28

Does she actually want to go on this? Are you sure shes ready?

topcat2014 · 06/05/2019 08:34

I have just got back from a cubs and beavers camp. Some of the children (interestingly mostly the cubs, not beavers, so about 10 y/o) got quite upset at night time. However, all were absolutely beaming having got through the weekend.

Good luck, OP, it must be hard..

Original poster

Rockbird · 06/05/2019 09:47

Branleuse good question. It's one of those things that the school tell you is compulsory. Very few people have stayed home in the 20 odd years they've been running this trip. I would have no problem pulling her out of it if I thought she would really hate it, regardless of what the school policy is, but I think she'd really regret not going. She didn't want to go on the two night one last year but she loved it. Ask her now and she'll say she hated it.

That's what I was wondering Isadora.

OP posts:

TooLittle · 06/05/2019 10:29

I'm in the same predicament as you OP.

My DS was only happy to attend because a parent would be there, but now, due to an accident that parent can't go and so DS is faced with going alone or staying behind.
Only the school now say they're so full of remainders so can't accommodate any more, which means DS will miss out on both the school trip and the remainders group, and so had opted to go. But I'm not entirely sure he'd have made that choice from the start nor is ready for it.

Then our back up plan of coming to collect has failed as they make it quite clear it doesn't happen. I feel quite apprehensive about it to be honest and was thinking about how I can best prepare him without freaking him out. So we talked about how perfectly normal it is to feel a bit homesick and ways to make it feel easier (he likes writing a diary, and I would include a photo for him and a perfumed hankie, his favourite pack of cards, the reminded him its a very short trip etc).

flitwit99 · 06/05/2019 10:48

I've been there, it's so stressful (for you). It was the evenings and bedtimes I worried so much about, I went out for a big walk every night about 7pm, I just couldn't settle. I wanted to book a b&b nearby so he could stay with me at night but he told me that would be too embarrassing.

Is it a 7 day week or a Mon-Fri? That would only be 4 nights.

The advice from our school has always been that kids settle better without contact with home. My anxious boy was fine apart from a wobble at bedtime that the staff dealt with really well. We had some strategies worked out in advance. He had a familiar book we had read together and he had a photo of us inside as a bookmark. So he could read that if he was feeling sad. He says he never looked at it once. He had a stone and a funny shaped stick we found on a walk, he never looked at those. His teacher had a soft toy of his in her bag in case he needed it and he did have a cuddle of that at bedtime one night. We also said if it really got too much we would come and collect him so he knew that was an option but he never came close to that.

My not-at-all-anxious boy got quite upset when he got the 'treat' of phoning home on his birthday. He ended his treat phone call crying and wanting to be picked up. That was his birthday though, maybe that made a difference. We had written him a card and give him a wee present so maybe that made him feel homesick.
Who knows, it's so hard to predict how they will be.
Has your dd said much about it, are you able to plan some strategies together?

Chimchar · 06/05/2019 10:58

I wouldn't send a daily note...too likely to set off feelings of wanting to be with you.
How about a friendship type bracelet...you have one half and your DD has the other. Or a knotted type one..can tie around her ankle if no jewellery allowed. Then tell your DD you'll always be linked because of this.

I hope she gets on ok. X

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