What would you do? DS17 and rent.

[JustPondering2019]

DS age 17 got kicked out of college a while ago. He works.
Because he is not in full time education I can’t receive child benefit and tax credits for him. I don’t work at the moment, I have 2 other DC. I receive tax creds, child benefit for them and also DLA for one child. Plus carers allowance.
DS17 earns over £200 a week and is refusing to pay anything.
I don’t know what is going to happen with housing benefit or all other money we have coming in because of the fact that DS works. Things are extremely tight here at the moment, I’m essentially having to find the money to support another adult. Plus I’m almost certain that he will be classed as an adult in the household in regards to housing benefit etc. I feel stuck.
What would you do? Am I being unreasonable asking him for a contribution? He is saying he can’t pay anything as he has things he wants to buy/pay for, like his computer.
He only moved back here in February after being with his Dad for a couple of year. I really don’t know wether I am being unreasonable or not!

Oh it might mean just if he’s over 18 actually. That will be a relief if so!
And oh I have given him the options to either contribute or find somewhere else to live, he just said no I can’t make him.

ahtellthee his Dad won’t have him back as he had no respect for the home,his room was an health hazard, same as here, full of mouldy food/plates, floor completely covered in junk, clothes etc. And yes I know this can be typical with teenage children. And DS stole a fair bit of money off his dads bank card.
He had been with him a couple of years, DSs choice, he prefers his Dads as not many rules there.

I think you'll find you can issue him that ultimatum. Have you any extended family? Has he got friends?

If he's registered to your address when he turns 18, will that affect your money because it looks like it from that link photo.

He should be contributing financially and helping around the house.

He afreed to give me £20 yesterday. Asked him about it today (which prompted me to start this thread) and he lied (and it’s definitely a lie) saying he had left it on the kitchen side and it’s not his fault I can’t find it, so his obligation is done. All conversation since has resulted in him just shrugging his shoulders.

samind no he has no friends, and my sisters etc, extended family won’t have him with them as he’s been a nightmare when they’ve had him at theirs previously for a week.

cakeandchampagne he refuses to lift a finger to help unfortunately. He says yes but then never does it, anything at all.

Awe OP! I'm sorry to hear this. You must feel very trapped!

If you’re the poster I think you are then all previous advice stands and you need to get this person out of your house - to protect your other child and the mental wellbeing of everyone that lives in your house. He’s a nightmare and it sounds like nothing has really changed.

Change the lock. Problem solved.

skiptheskip my previous user name had the initials DQ? And I don’t think I can get him out, as Children’s services are not interested at all! And I can only get him into supported accommodation if he comes to connections with me, and he won’t! So how can I? I’ve tried twice with Children’s services now. They just brushed it all off.

titchy can I legally do that though while he’s 17?

Is this the boy who's been discussing dodgy stuff with someone in America? If so, does his dad know what's happening through the Internet access that dad is funding?

Yes and yes dad has been told. He won’t cancel the contract as he’s still in a contract. Ridiculous. I have tried making him cancel.

That's really difficult for you. Are any of the agencies still involved? I think the "friend" advised him to pretend he'd changed and there was no need for further monitoring. I'd hope you can get advice from any of the agencies that were involved in how to approach the wider issues.
It does sound like he may initially fight back over enforcing boundaries, which will be difficult for the rest of you at home, but something has to change doesn't it? It must be really hard for you all.

OnTgeEdgeOfTheNight that particular agency is still involved. It went before the panel last week, they phoned me on Monday and said it was going to panel on the Tuesday. They’ll be coming out again this week sometime, but still waiting to hear back about what’s happening or what happened when it went to panel. There’s just the problem of DS engaging really! And also him not just saying what he knows will get them of his back!
Still waiting to hear back from camhs too, but again it’s all about wether he engages due to his age, they need consent. Although the man from the other agency said that actually they don’t need consent, but it’s a problem if he doesn’t engage.

How have things been today?
Are you able to spend much time as a family doing nice things together? I wonder if being outside in nature might help him. Not as a quick fix, but just in that way that we all do, and as a break for you all.

He’s been at work today, came home at 5 and went straight to bed, not even spoke to me!
I’d love to do things like that! But he’s always in bed if not working!
Today I’ve just had my cousin and her little girl round, had a lovely day, would be nice to have him involved, but he walked in, saw they were here and just said he’s going bed so... yeah.

Tomorrow I’m locking the door and going out with the younger 2. Can’t do it anymore. I don’t think I’m legally allowed but I’m at the point of not caring. I’ve emailed Children’s services and told them I’ll be doing this. It sounds harsh but I honestly just do not care anymore. I want my younger kids normal life back, they’re so stressed with it all. And yes I know they are all my kids, and DS17 always will be, but right now, can not do it anymore! At all. All I want to do is down a bottle of wine or more a night to take the edge off. I’m a bitch I know. But no, I feel like I’m past caring what anyone thinks. Me and younger ones are staying out tomoz night. He has a dad, he can go to his. He’s equally responsible.

You are absolutely right to do this. The younger 2 deserve a life away from this madness. DS17 has chosen his path - you have 2 others to think of and protect. Enough is enough, DS17 needs serious professional help before he hurts others or himself.

You have my deepest sympathies.

I don't know what the previous thread was. But Ds is only 17. He hasn't just woke up one morning and decided to be a dick, id guess these are boundaries and expectations that have been developed throughout his childhood. I wouldn't dream of saying no to my parents. If he has been allowed to do so with no consequences previously, you can't be confused that he's doing it now.

Can you sit down with him and calculate the costs your incurring to have him living there - so he doesn't think you're just asking him for money for no reason. Offer he can pay those costs, or he can pay you X amount a week, I'm sure he'd take the X amount.

If he still don't contribute I'd certainly not be doing any of his laundry/cooking or anything else and if you can afford to / have the time to I'd consider just buying what food you and your younger children need for dinner and breakfast and have only that in the house - ideally hidden from him too. At least you may save on food that he would've eaten.
You could take his key off him too, he only needs to be at home, supervised. He needs to leave when you leave etc. This isn't his home if he won't treat it with respect, it's just a roof.

Well I haven’t done it anyway as I’m worried about the repercussions if I do. However he isn’t staying, no chance . He can go into supported I just need to work out how to do it.

sleepinginthebathroom he’s lived his entire life with me with consequences and rules, all my children have and my younger 2 follow them, DS17 doesn’t care, he is arrogant and believes he can do what he likes when he likes. In the past any rules that have been enforced he’s just gone off to his dads instead with his blessing.
Previous thread related to DS being involved in far right groups and terrorism stuff and setting fire to stuff in my home while we are not there or while we are sleeping.
He wakes my children up once I’m asleep and keeps them awake till 4 am, when they have to be up at 7 for school. It can’t go on like this.
He doesn’t have a key, no way would I trust him with one, I have to take the keys to bed with me or he just takes them. He destroys my home, the mess is unbelievable. This morning he dropped the box of cereal on the floor, DS just left it there for me to clean and left.

I clean it up as I’m not having my younger kids living in a disgusting mess or I would show pics of what he leaves, here’s a pic of his room... this is what my house is left in if I don’t clean it all up.
And no he didn’t wake up a dick one day, he’s been hard work for a long time. But whatever the reasons I can guarantee it’s not related to consequences. He moved to his dads because he likes it there as no rules for him, wasn’t made to go college, could choose his own dinner each night, no matter what it was, paid for by dad of course. Was allowed on games internet etc till early hours till he fell asleep. He wants and expects to do what he wants when he wants. He has no compassion, empathy or guilt. Nothing. And yes I love him and care for jinx but I feel like right now he needs tough love, might sort him out.

He has no bed frame as for weeks and weeks I’ve told him I won’t get one until he cleans the room or I can’t get it in. Just to explain the mattress on the floor.

I don’t clean his room by the way. I mean my entire home is left like this if wasn’t cleaned up.

Jesus Christ, I thought you were being a bit harsh kicking him out just because he's being a bit tight and immature.
But fair enough.
Sound horrendous. Well done for getting away from his dad too, he sounds like a disaster!

If you do kick him out, is there any help you could try help him get too -( if you have the energy left)? Is he depressed or a bit brainwashed or anything?