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Original poster

Dilemma re MIL visit

21 replies

PingPongBat · 04/05/2019 20:35

DD (18) is in a youth theatre company show. MIL (lives 250 miles away) wants to come & stay with us & see the show. DD wants her to come & they've exchanged emails about it. But DH has told MIL she can't come that weekend because he's away with friends, arranged before he knew DD had a part. He hardly ever goes away or has any social life due to work commitments, so this is a big deal for him.

It's hard to fit in MIL's visits as DH is usually on call, & when he is he literally can't leave the house - so if she's here we end up being sort of trapped, with not much to talk about & not able to go out for a meal or to see a show/film together, or even go for a walk. When MIL does come it's always Thurs to Mon because she doesn't like driving on Fridays or Sundays (too busy on the roads). When she's here she doesn't really do much, just sits & reads, watches TV & snoozes. We find it very difficult to find things to do which she enjoys, DD & DS (21) spend most of their time either in their rooms or out with friends.

I also have an odd relationship with MIL - since mum died I've found it really difficult to relate to her, not because of anything she's said or done, but because she's not my mum, if that makes any sense. We used to get on well but I find it harder & harder now & find myself trying to avoid eye contact, or find reasons not to be in the room. Sometimes I get really upset all of sudden & have to go out. It sounds irrational but I think it's still grief processing.

A long weekend with MIL here, no DH, DS doing his own thing & DD either rehearsing or at the production or revising for exams - leaves me trying to 'entertain' MIL for 3 - 4 days. I'm really not sure how I would cope but I also feel really guilty about not wanting her here. DH is hard to talk to about his mum - I'm never 100% sure what he thinks about her visits but he I think he finds them stressful too. He's currently in a foul mood because he's ill & on call, & I he'll probably just flip if I try to talk to him about it. So I'd love some MN input here.

Do we
(1) Change decision & invite MIL to visit so she can see the show.
= happy DD, happy MIL, distressed me, DH not really affected.

(2) Stick to DH's decision
= unhappy DD, disappointed MIL, guilty-feeling me, DH not really affected.

Reading that back, I think I have to invite her down - but WWYD? If I do, I'm going to need some pretty heavy duty coping strategies.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 04/05/2019 20:37

She sounds like she can entertain herself cant you mooch off and read or go shopping? Let her spend time with the grandkids?

boredboredboredboredbored · 04/05/2019 20:39

How often does she stay? If it's not that often then of course she should visit. Non of your reasons for not wanting her there are very nice. She's your dc grandmother, they are old enough to spend time alone w

Chottie · 04/05/2019 20:41

I would invite MiL to stay, but change things around a bit, so you and MiL are not on your own so much. Could you take a trip out to a local garden centre, invite a neighbour in for coffee, ask DD & DS to be around - maybe they could cook a meal with MiL for you all...

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Xyzzzzz · 04/05/2019 20:41

I’d ask her to come, it seems it’s important to your DD

ILiveInSalemsLot · 04/05/2019 20:43

Invite her to come and see the show, seeing as she wants to. Remind her that dh is away and you’ll be busy but she can just keep herself entertained.

Expressedways · 04/05/2019 20:45

If your DH has already told her no then you could just leave it at that if you don’t want her to come. But if it were me and if she is happy to just watch tv, read and snooze then I’d probably let her come as it sounds like your DD wants her at the show. However, I definitely wouldn’t go out of my way to plan anything special. You could just give her a heads up you’re busy, DH isn’t around so this visit will have to be a quiet one. If she has form for demanding you wait on her or if she’s likely to insist on activities being planned for her then I’d definitely leave the decision as no.

And I’m sorry about your Mum

BlueMerchant · 04/05/2019 20:45

I'd invite her otherwise I'd be having a horrible weekend anyway ruminating and feeling guilty.
This trip will be different. You have dds show which is a great topic of conversation for a start and you don't need to be stuck in the house if DH is away anyway. You could go for coffee, lunch,a shopping trip, a local place of interest. You are not then sitting stewing and feeling anxious and needing to escape.
I think your grief is a separate issue.

NewAccount270219 · 04/05/2019 20:46

DD wants her to come & they've exchanged emails about it. But DH has told MIL she can't come that weekend because he's away with friends, arranged before he knew DD had a part.

I read to the end of the post, but I kept coming back to this bit. Your DH can't go to a show that clearly means a lot to your DD - and his solution to that is to limit the number of other family members who can come and support her?

Throughout your post he sounds pretty awful.

Original poster

PingPongBat · 04/05/2019 20:46

slippery yes I could. I would feel guilty about it & like I should try to socialise

bored I know I sound like a horrible person, I feel so guilty & so torn. But the grief about mum seems to overwhelm me when MIL's here. I need coping strategies. I haven't worked them out yet

Chottie this all sounds good thank you

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 04/05/2019 20:46

I would invite her anyway, just tell her you have a lot to get on with and that she'll need to entertain herself.

averylongtimeago · 04/05/2019 20:47

Ask her to come, she and DD will be pleased.
If she is happy watching tv, you can get on with stuff round her if you like.
Does she like garden centres/ shopping that sort of thing? Go and have a look round and a coffee.

Incidentally I know exactly how you feel about her not being "your" mum. After my DM passed away it took a real effort to talk to my Mil- nothing she had done, she was just there when my mum wasn't.
With effort I got over it, and I miss her too now she too has passed.

Original poster

PingPongBat · 04/05/2019 20:49

thank you Expressed

NewAccount yes, reading it back he does . But he's not, he's loving, kind, generous & caring, underneath an incredibly stressed & exhausted exterior

OP posts:

Original poster

PingPongBat · 04/05/2019 20:51

averylongtimeago thank you for telling me about your feelings about your mum & MIL - it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hardly ever talk about mum to anyone

OP posts:

7salmonswimming · 04/05/2019 20:52

I think you should invite her to stay, and do whatever you need to do. I don’t think you need to entertain her. I don’t think she requires it either. She seems quite content occupying herself with people around her, doing their stuff.

I’m sorry about your mum. Your reactions sound quite normal and explicable. Can you see yourself just going about your business that weekend, just having her at the table at mealtimes, stopping to chat over a cup of tea once a day, sitting in silence together in the evening watching TV / reading / listening to the radio? I think your main coping strategy should be not feeling guilty. She’s there to see your DD and her other grandchildren. She may also be familiar with your grief herself. You won’t be the focus of her attentions and you shouldn’t feel obligated to be so.

averylongtimeago · 04/05/2019 20:59

Op- it does help to talk. Mumwas only 67 when she passed - eventually I was able to tell Mil how much I missed her, and she told me she still missed her mum, who had died in her 50's.
It does get better, you will be able to cope with your grief- you won't forget, but the pain is less.

ohhelpohnoitsa · 04/05/2019 21:20

Invite her but hint that you already had some plans. As she likes reading, buy her a book or magazines that she can savour over the weekend. Download some of the programmes she likes. Makes it look like you have made an effort then you go get on with your own stuff. Kill some time by going for a celebratory lunch for your daughter before or the day after the show. Or send her with DD as a special outing. Good luck

Original poster

PingPongBat · 05/05/2019 00:14

Thanks all. Got the courage up to ask DH about it before he went to bed & he's going to invite her to to see the show (turns out DH hadn't told MIL not to come, just that he wasn't sure about her visiting because he wouldn't be here, & there would be other shows for her to see). DH actually said he knows it's me missing my mum which makes it so hard. That's the first time we've really acknowledged it between us, so - a little bit of progress I guess. Going to be hard, though.

OP posts:

BogglesGoggles · 05/05/2019 00:18

Honestly, if I was your mil I would rather you didn’t feel obliged to entertain me. Very few people are that high maintenance.

Mosaic123 · 05/05/2019 15:40

Migt it be worth commenting during the weekend that DH is so lucky as he still has a Mum. She might be extra sensitive to your feelings in the future then.

ohhelpohnoitsa · 05/05/2019 19:17

Reading between the lines here, and might be wrong, but entertaining MIL is not in any way disloyal to your own mum.

Original poster

PingPongBat · 06/05/2019 11:05

I mentioned to DD that I miss my mum, & that having DH's mum here brings that to the surface. I think that did sink in a bit, she's generally a very empathetic teen, but I think perhaps sometimes she believes I'm indestructible.

I hadn't consciously thought of entertaining MIL as being disloyal to mum, but then I haven't really examined my feelings about it in any detail, it's too difficult. I'm still trying to get my head round it. MIL is coming next weekend so I'm concentrating on getting through that first. At least DH will be here and not on call, so he'll be around & can take her out somewhere to give me some space.

OP posts:

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