Will I eve get over the disappointment of not breastfeeding?

[Rararrara6897545]

Name change and don't want to give too many details but 2 DC and failed to breastfeed either despite desperately wanting to.

Reasons include traumatic birth, inability of baby to latch and poor mental health, poor physical health. I did express and re lactate at a few months (expressing a bottle a day) with my second but i still don't feel like I can say I breastfed.

It is years later and I just can't get over it. The guilt and distress I feel is massive. I still so sad about it and feel so bad every day. I am grateful I have happy healthy children but still can't seem to get past this. I feel so jealous of friends who breastfeed successfully and feel absolutely awful about this. Has anyone else been similar and got over it? How?

Last thought...
6) get angry and do something positive. Maybe look into being on the patient panel (most areas have something similar) and advocating for women in hospital. What made it so traumatic? Can you campaign to help that. Something bad happened to you. As a society we weirdly are fine with people being traumatised by car accidents but not something so major as a traumatic birth. It’s a feminist issue! Get angry! X

I bf mine (till 2+ years for all) and if I had my time again (or ever had another dc) I wouldn't bother.

I didn't get any of the positives (happy emotions, bonding etc) and then they got so attached and refused the bottle and were difficult to sleep. Also I think it made me the default parent as Dh could do no night feedings. And I was tired for so long.

But I preservered because I was young and hopeful and I thought it was the right thing to do and they would one day take the bottle and sleep better ...... , but now looking back I wouldn't bother and I wish I hadn't.

Breastfeeding feeding doesn't make you superior and children who are BF don't grow magical powers. Do you remember what you had for dinner years ago? Nope.

Be kind to yourself. Your mental and physical well being out weighs any BF vs FF arguments x

I don’t know I hope
My guilt doesn’t last as long I managed about 10 weeks of trying but the milk drying up as had to Combo feed due to lack of milk coming in and baby loosing weight and having high sodium levels... I know I gave it a shot but can’t help looking back what if I kept going?

I was depressed for the first few months my cousin who is a midwife said that can effect milk flow ... it’s horrible isn’t it.

But then I was bottlefeed never had breastmilk and I am pretty healthy ( bar my love of chocolate)

Hope you feel better soon... do you still have postnatal depression as that started to
Lift away a lot of the guilt went with it ... now it’s just what I assume to be mum
Guilt ... something I will have forever x

I’m in my late thirties. My mum will still say how much she regrets not breastfeeding and become quite upset about it.
I’m like seriously mum. It doesn’t matter. You did the best you could in difficult circumstances. I was fed and I’m now grown up and happy and healthy.
Don’t be my mum. You do the best for your kids that you can but don’t live with regret all your life. There’s no point. Your kids will be fine whether they breastfed/formula fed had a dummy/didn’t have a dummy cloth nappies/disposables
You know why? Because you care about them. Because you give a shit. That’s what matters. Not whether you managed to breastfed or not.

Everyone is different and this 8s a problem for you so do get some counselling. It will help to retell your story as with any traumatic event.
My friend had 3 csections . All our DC are grown but regularly she brings up the events around the births. She is still upset about it.
Do get counselling as it's obvious it's still there.

Please be kind to yourself. It's no reflection on you as a mum if you had to formula feed. You still gave them the love and cuddles they deserve. Babies thrive on being touched, just as much as the milk that goes in their mouth.

I did breastfeed. Whilst I am glad I did it, it really is not easy without the right help and support. I had a C-section both times and trying manage a small baby around a stomach wound was the fucking pits. If I'd had PTSD or a traumatic birth too, I don't think I would have managed it.

OP, I think there’s far too much obsession with breast feeding, and it’s become just another stick to beat women with.
There’s an old cliche “ A woman’s place is in the wrong”, and we are perilously inclined to guilt trip
ourselves over things that really don’t matter.
The vast majority of people my age were bottle fed - and we’re the healthiest and longest lived generation in history! Does that really fit with the “ formula feed is poison” nonsense?
OP, as a doctor, can I ask you to please get some counselling and/or antidepressants? I think your PND is causing obsessive rumination and inappropriate guilt - both common features of depression. You need help to leave these feelings behind and just enjoy being the great mum that you always were.

Do you judge yourself harshly for other ways you aren't a perfect parent, OP? Is this about breastfeeding or about something else?

I was a great breastfeeder but lousy parent in many other ways. I could kill myself with guilt or just be grateful that DC have turned out ok, anyway.

I suggest counselling OP. You have no reason to feel guilty whatsoever. You tried your best and it didn’t work out, your DC are still very happy and healthy children.

I was a FF baby and I’m very healthy and fairly intelligent if it helps . Honestly, it really doesn’t make much difference the older children get.

I didn’t bf my first 3 children.

My last child came yrs later and I tried to bf.
It worked so well and I really loved it.
I had huge regrets for not doing it with my first 3 especially no2 who was a sickly baby.

I had to give my head a wobble and think not bf did them no harm and regret steals happiness.

It’s ok to be sad but you need to let it go x

Slightly different to you op but used to suffer with anxiety attacks because I missed breastfeeding so much. Mine are adults now and I still do miss it.

Whatever your issues around breastfeeding are, whether you wanted to or were unable to, or if you decided you didn’t want to but later regretted not doing so, or any other issue it shouldn’t be something that is making you suffer emotionally years later.

You can wake up every morning and beat yourself with a stick but nothing is going to change the past.

Acceptance and overcoming anxiety are what you need to be looking at. Whether it’s from seeking counselling, self help books or any other method, please do try and release yourself from these awful feelings inside your mind.

www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Breastfeeding-Grief-mothers-breastfeeding/dp/0979599520/ref=asc_df_0979599520/?hvlocphy=9045406&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310856639426&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o2&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-699118205705&hvrand=8766609718393441993

www.amazon.co.uk/Mommy-Guilt-Learn-Matters-Happier/dp/0814408702/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_1?s=gateway&keywords=Mommy+Guilt%3A+Learn+to+Worry+Less%2C+Focus+on+What+Matters+Most%2C+and+Raise+Happier+Kids&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1556968824&sr=8-1-fkmrnull

“Parents today try too hard to be superhuman, often sacrificing their own well-being and relationships with friends, family, even their spouses to meet the ever-increasing demands of their children's lives.

Of course, such efforts inevitably fall short, and parents blame themselves. Mommy Guilt encourages parents to let go of unobtainable (and ill-advised) goals in favor of parenting philosophies that concentrate on the whole family.

This eye-opening book presents the results of an original, never-before-published nationwide survey of over 1,300 parents 96% of whom reported they felt guilty about some aspect of parenting. The most common include yelling, family time, work choices, school, and sports. Mommy Guilt offers straightforward principles for handling these and many other common issues as well as for dealing with everyday challenges that frequently add up to feelings of guilt.

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Please try and have some counselling.

My MIL has depression (low level but affects her quite a bit) and I found out after having my children that she wanted to but wasn't able to BF either of her children. When I had our DD and did manage to BF she was quite odd about it and was always asking for DD to have a bottle. It did affect our relationship a bit in those early days especially as DD was my first and I was quite emotional as a first time mum. She came across as quite anti-breastfeeding but it was all about the guilt she felt. Of course I didn't know this at the time and it felt like a dig at me.

So... please do try some counselling to help with this, I wouldn't want you to feel like my MIL did when I had children, nor for your DIL/DD to feel like I did.

I could have writteb yiur post OP. I was keen to bf and thought I had quite a good attitude of if it works great and if it doesn't well I can use formula.

I had a traumatic birth. Baby jaundiced. I couldn't lift baby to feed. Midwife said I had flat nipples. Persevered so much in hospital. Kept going at home. Baby lost too much weight. Hv said to mix feed. Didn't produce enough milk. Expressed in between feeds. Use to sit soaked in milk because I couldn't get the baby to latch right.

After three weeks I decided to draw a line under it. I'd tried, it hasn't worked, switched to formula. Baby picked up weight.

I couldn't get over the failure I felt. I beat myself up about it for ages. His brother arrived and I stressed so much about it I just bottle fed after the first week.

Now, I was diagnosed GAD and had also suffered from depression. I out an awful lot of pressure on myself and had quite low self esteem. It was only when confronting these issues that I felt able to talk about how that bad birth and inability to breast feed had made me feel.

I really wish I hadn't left it so long to get help. It really put a dampener on what should have been a wonderful time in my life. Please don't make the same mistake I did.

Happily both children are fit and healthy and my mental health is strong now.

I'm sorry you feel so bad about this OP. I am so angry about the guilt women are made to feel about it - BFing is hard and things such as you've been through make it even harder. I think there is a lot of pressure put on women to 'perform' guilt when BF doesn't work out, to the extent that they let it get to them more than it should.

I couldn't make it work with DD and had to give up after a few weeks, and was delighted to because TBH, long, unsatisfying feeds that glued me to the sofa all day were making a barrier between me and DD bonding and I felt so much more relaxed and happy with her than unsuccessful bfing.

I did make it work (after several painful weeks) with DS - my sister, whose son was born 9 weeks later, bfed well immediately and with no problems at all - them's the breaks.

NB - DD is the one who does great at school, DS is the one who's having some problems with his learning.

I agree with posters saying you should seek help after all this time if it is still upsetting you so much.

Thank you so much for all these kind words. I have been reading them all and taking it all on board. I have had some counselling for post natal stuff but it's definitely something I could explore a bit more. I know I made decisions at the time that were for the best overall and I have to remember that. I do tend to beat myself up if things don't go well so I guess I need to work on that.

Op, if wasn’t breastfeeding it would probably be something else! When you are a parent there is always something you feel guilty that you should have or should not have done!

I could write a long list of things I wish I had done differently with my children but somehow they managed to reach adulthood and survived my parenting, good and bad.

Be kinder on yourself.

Desperately wanted to breastfeed my first and tried for 6 weeks or so, he didn't gain weight, and always unsettled. I was so upset and in tears all the time. Eventually the doctor said to bottle feed, and I never looked back. He became happier, had good nights. When I had DD, tried breast feeding for the first week, thought, I'm not going through this again, bottle red her - one happy mum and baby!

Oh OP please be kind to yourself. I honestly think all the pro bfing propaganda around at the moment has a lot to answer for. You did the best you could in the circumstances you had and that's all anyone can ask of you. Ultimately no one can tell the difference between adult that was breastfed as a baby and one that wasn't, so please try not to overthink this.