What would help my daughter feel less lonely?

[AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer]

She's 8 next month and in yr3 at school. Her best friend left the school 2 days into yr3 and since then, DD has never really made another special friend. Her teacher has said she noticed this and that DD just seeks to drift around various different groups of children at playtimes.

Sorry, pressed post accidentally. Hang on!

I used to put “fun facts” or jokes into my child’s school bag when they went through the same thing. It helped start conversations and was a bit of fun.

Have you tried hosting lots of play date? That’s what I did when we moved house and DD needed to get to know the children.

She's 8 next month and in yr3 at school. Her best friend who she has known since they were at nursery age 3, left the school 2 days into yr3 and since then, DD has never really made another special friend. Her teacher has said she noticed this and that DD just seems to drift around various different groups of children at playtimes. She has NEVER been invited anywhere for a playdate or a sleepover and I can't remember the last time she was invited to a party She often comes home and says nobody played with her that day. My heart breaks for her, I know what it's like to be a lonely child, I went to a tiny primary and nobody else liked to play the same things I did so I never really played with anyone.

She's quite shy and will never walk up to someone she doesn't know and strike up a conversation. She wanted to try gymnastics once so we took her and then we had to take her away after 10 minutes because she just sat and cried because she didn't understand what to do. She doesn't want to join any clubs like Brownies etc because she says she's too scared and she won't know anyone.

She has said a few times that she'd love a kitten, but I'm not so sure, would her own pet help? We have a dog but she's mine really and isn't interested in striking up a friendship with anyone but me

I’d 100% buy that child a kitten or two. It won’t help the friendship thing but if it cheers her up I’d be all for it. Mine make my daughters so fucking happy.

With regards to the friendship thing I think all you can do is let it sort itself out or just do as many play dates as you can and keep trying new clubs etc till she finds her ‘thing’. Even if you stay for the first few sessions.

My biggest fear in life is loneliness for my children.

Have you tried yoga, either together or child yoga? My daughter does it and there's no right or wrong way to do it so no pressure and generally people are so welcoming and friendly. Or what about a drama/singing workshop, again a great place to make friends.

Have you spoken to the teacher about it? Its so hard when a best friend leaves or when children ove to a new school.

This is the problem with a child encouraged to have just one friend

I assume you never encouraged her to make her circle bigger and she’s now overlooked by the other parents who have children settled into the other groups

You need to up the play dates and let the other girls know she’s ready for new friends

She does swimming which she enjoys but there isn't much opportunity to chat and make friends there, as during the lessons they're busy swimming, it's loud and children are often moving up into the next stage.

Does she have siblings/cousins she can hang out with out of school?

Would she be open to trying something like Brownies if you volunteered there? You could encourage new friendships while being the support she needs to not feel like she's got to do it alone.

Can you ask the teacher to help, perhaps by linking her up with some of the other dc? They're still young enough to want to please teacher so hopefully that could help. The other dc are probably not deliberately being mean, they may just be caught up with their own little friendship groups and don't have the maturity to notice someone who's alone.

Do you know any of the other mums well enough to explain the issue and ask for play dates?

Yes, a teacher said to me when my eldest was in P1 and I was panicking about having a best friend “Never encourage a best friend, encourage lots of good friends”. I’ve done that with all mine, and it really seems to work. They have never had an issue with ‘1 pal’ because they were friends with more than 1 person.
Now eldest has some SEN so didn’t have a large friendship group. But my other two tend to be closest to whoever is on their table that rotation! Works well.

Are there any drama classes for children nearby? Not only would she meet other children, but it would boost her confidence as well.
Or perhaps there is a school or church choir she could join?

Sorry, realise that’s not very helpful at this stage. Are you friendly with any of the mums? Maybe one you could approach? I’d certainly help another mum out in these circs.

I have spoken with her teacher, she says they have a system where each child in the class makes sure no child is left out and that DD has never raised any objections with her about being left out.

DD was never really encouraged to have just one friend, I often say "Why don't you see if X wants to play with you today instead of Y?" But she just attached herself to one girl and didn't really bother with anyone else. If her BF decided to play with someone else one day, DD would sit by herself. I know she says nobody plays with her, and she's upset about it, but she doesn't help herself because she doesn't really put any effort in. She's never asked to have a friend round to play and if I mention it she'll just go "Errrm maybe... No. I don't want to."

Wee pet. I feel for her, and you. She sounds nervous/insecure?

Re gymnastics, brownies etc I can understand she's scared to try but the problem is that if she doesn't try then nothing changes. The crying at gymnastics sounds like she was overwhelmed and lacking confidence but in the nicest possible way I think letting her quit straight away may have affirmed her belief that she couldn't do it. I know it's really hard and nobody wants to force their child into anything but I think she needs to be encouraged to give things a proper go.

Think about the things she likes to do and then see if there's a club/activity she could join. If you find something suitable speak to the teacher/leader in advance and explain she's lacking confidence and needs a lot of encouragement, they'll have experienced this before. I'd probably suggest to dd that she needs to go 3 times before she can really know if she likes it.

Not really Eleanor, I seem to be like DD in that nobody notices us to come and talk to. In the early days back when she started school I tried starting conversations, got very noncommittal, monosyllibic answers in response and have been pretty much blanked ever since. They were all happy enough to come over and coo at newborn DS last May though

She is pretty nervous and definitely insecure. She often calls herself stupid even though she's far from it, she's really very bright and has always been slightly above average in reading/writing/spelling/understanding etc. She's just so nervous about 'new' things and people

She loves horses, but lessons are really expensive and SIL has her own pony who DD often goes to ride so DH would never agree to getting her proper lessons ("Why pay for something when she can have it for free?" Is exactly what he'd say )

Poor poppet. Yes, get her a kitten (or two!) to be friends with. I was a lonely, awkward 11 year old and had nagged for years for a cat - my parents finally caved, and she made a massive difference to my life.(they would never have agreed to a dog) having some cute, non- judgemental companionship made it all more bearable.

It certainly sounds like she lacks confidence poor thing . Maybe that's something to concentrate on? Complimenting her, praising her for the things she's good at. I'm sure you do but I mean being really conscious of finding things to encourage and praise every day. Not just when she's down on herself but when she's happy too so things like "oh you're so good at telling jokes" even if it's the hundredth time you've heard that particular "knock knock" one or telling her she's really good at singing/drawing/dancing, that she's brilliant at entertaining her little brother and so on.

I do try to do those things, she adores DS and is so good at making him laugh, I'm always telling her what a great big sister she is. I praise her for helping me with things, for getting her school bag ready, tell her that her hairstyle looks brilliant (even if it actually looks like a birds nest), that she's done an amazing job at colouring a picture, or building something with Lego or Bunchems or playdoh etc, I tell her how clever she is at whatever she's done (like a tricky word search for example, she loves those). I try to go overboard on praise for even the tiniest of things like helping to unload the dishwasher or picking up the dogs poo in the garden (she loves doing it ) And other people do too, there's a friend of MILs who is like family and she takes DD on days out every single school holidays, once a week and she always says how polite DD is and how impressed she is with her manners etc, she loves taking DD out.

My heart is aching for you and your daughter OP