Save the date card but no invitation...yet

[FatherBuzzCagney]

Distant-ish relative of DH is getting married in August, in Canada. Everyone in DH's large family was sent a save the date card (complete with link to present list) months ago. The problem is that, so far, none of the English side of the family have had an actual invitation (no idea if anyone else has) but everyone assumes that the save the date is the same thing.

I know it's really rude to send out a save the date and not follow it up with an actual invitation so part of me thinks the invites are on their way. On the other hand, though, all the Brits are fairly distant relatives of the bride, have only met her a couple of times at most, and I can't imagine she's even slightly bothered about any of us being there.

There's no way that any of the rest of us want to can go, but MIL and her sister are really excited about it and are looking at booking flights soon. They are both absolutely lovely people, think the best of everyone, and it wouldn't occur to them in a million years that anyone might not end up inviting them if they sent them a save the date card. I've mentioned that they might want to hold off until they get an invite, but they were insistent that the save the date card was an invite so it was all okay. They've apparently never seen a save the date card before so don't understand the difference - though I'm not sure why they think it's an invitation when there's nothing on it that says 'invitation' or gives any details of the time or place of the wedding. I'm worried that they might spend money they can't really afford to spend on flights and hotels and then find out that they aren't actually invited.

How long before a wedding would you expect to get an invitation? I'm not going to say anything again myself, but I was wondering if it would be worth getting DH - who can do no wrong as far as MIL is concerned - to encourage them to wait a bit longer before spending god knows how much on tickets to central Canada.

I think the general etiquette is 12 weeks before for full day and 8 weeks for evening only.

I won't get started on the gift list with the save the date

We did save the dates a year before the wedding, and invitations went out 4 months before, with the rsvp date for 3 months before the wedding.

But there was no change in the guest list from the save the dates to the invitations going out

Okay, so I'm probably being suspicious for no reason by the sound of it But I still might see if DH can get them to hold off a bit longer with the flights. I know it sounds horrible, but everything I know about the bride makes me think she might have put all the boring old Brit rellies on the B or C list and will only invite any of us if others can't make it.

“Hello Relative, we have received the save the date and really looking forward to it. As we get closer to the date we’d like to look at flights before they get too expensive. Please would you let us know further details? If anything has changed logistics wise let us know!”

How far away is the date? More than 3 months I wouldn’t worry.

Don't buy flights before you've had an invitation, you need to talk them out of that but otoh it's odd to send a save the date card to overseas relatives if you don't plan to invite them. What would the reason be for that?

This happened to me the other year I got a save the date card from a so called good friend - I even reserved a room at the hotel etc for the night as it was far away then she ghosted me and I never got an invite! Needless to say we aren't friends any more 🤣🤣🤣 I was really fed up at the time as had no explanation at all as to why, still bigger fish to fry and all that x

We sent Save the Date a year and a bit beforehand because we had overseas relatives we really wanted there and knew it might affect their holiday plans as we were an 8 hour flight away! But we kept in touch so they could buy flights long before the proper invitations went out. I’d ask and explain they want to book flights.

It's pretty much exactly three months away - three months plus about a week.

Shirley that would be the sensible thing to do, but MIL is genuinely incapable of imagining that anyone could be mean enough to not invite her in this situation, so she'll never ask. She's the nicest person you could ever meet and she thinks everyone else is nice too.

I don't understand save the date cards. Why don't people just send an invitation and be done with?

If I were inviting overseas relatives/friends, I would make sure that they had a lot of notice, as flights are often cheaper if booked in advance.

In your case, I would be wary about booking flights until I had an actual invitation, as you hear so many stories of these things going pear shaped (due to invitations not materialising). Especially if you think the BTB may be sending out present lists in the hope of getting presents/cash, but not actually following through with the invitation.

Could your DH ask the family member to whom he is closest what the position is, and say he is asking as his mum and aunt are looking at booking flights and he doesn't want them to do this if they aren't actually invited?

Holidays get hooked. Time off work needs booking etc etc. It's pretty obvious.

@GoldenPineapples we did save the dates as we were getting married in July which is prime holiday time.
We didn't expect anyone to change or cancel plans, but it meant those who wanted to be there, could be.

We ended up only having 2 guests not attend, 1 had an op scheduled for the day before and 1 just didn't turn up!

it's odd to send a save the date card to overseas relatives if you don't plan to invite them. What would the reason be for that?

Because she might have been pressured into putting us all on the list to keep an older relative happy. I really don't imagine she wants us there though - I don't think she's voluntarily spoken to any of us, ever, in her life.

Just call her and ask. Explain MIL is trying to book flights and as you've heard nothing you want to check if she will definitely be invited or if she wants you to make up some story about venue change or whatever.

I hate the save the date things! We got one and made sure we were free all day and eve only to get invite to eve do. We booked a night in a hotel but wish we hadnt bothered. Eve reception was awful.