So tired - no sleep, can’t leave DD with DH

[MountainEagle]

DD is 15m. I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours at a time since I was 3 months pregnant. I chose to breastfeed so I had to handle every single night waking and nap myself. We’ve tried putting DH in another room with DD but the wailing is so loud I wake up anyway, and at that point I might as well bf her because it’s the only way to stop the screaming.

DH takes DD between 7pm when he gets home from work and 8pm when I take her to bed (while I cook for us both). Then he sleeps in the other room to be rested for work and I have her till 7pm the next evening. At weekends I don’t get a lie in because instead of just taking her away at 6am, he gets into bed to pester cuddle me. And when I tell him to piss off downstairs with his child he gets angry and says I don’t want to be affectionate with him any more.

I don’t get a day off at the weekend. There’s always something he needs to do around the house while I’m stuck parenting, and roughly once a month he goes out for the day with friends. I don’t try to make him take DD out for the day on his own, because I know he’ll probably take her straight to his mother’s and (long story) she’s abusive so I try to minimise contact and don’t want my child around her without my supervision.

Not to mention that DH is very impatient and shouty, and tends to prioritise himself over DD eg leaving her to cry because he’s busy with something, or feeding himself before helping her with her meal, or leaving her in a shitty nappy while he sits on the toilet for 20 minutes instead of changing her first before he sits down. I watch her all day and keep her safe then she’s with DH for ten minutes and hurts herself because he isn’t watching. I don’t feel she’ll be cared for adequately if he’s on his own with her.

I’m exhausted and constantly angry. I don’t feel like I can hand DD to DH and rest because he’ll just take her straight to his mother’s and not look after her properly. I feel like I have to put DD first and soldier on because theres nobody I can safely give her to. I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

This sounds awful and untenable.

I think it is really hard when you've effectively got into a situation where he hasn't learned to look after his baby because you've been doing it. I have had a bit of that experience, and it is extremely difficult to hear DP getting snappy with DD and not to intervene. However, I think you have to grit your teeth and do it. Otherwise what? You can't go on like this, and he has to learn how to interact with her.

I think you need (if you've not already) to sit down and talk to him about strategies for him to spend more time with his child.

Does he agree his mother is abusive, btw?

I really do sympathise. I don't know that I have good answers but I relate to a lot of this.

I watch her all day and keep her safe

This isn’t healthy; not for you, not for her and not for your DH.

You sound exhausted (and I understand; mine were exclusively breastfed and didn’t sleep, infact DS3 is 2.3 and still doesn’t sleep through the night) but you need a break and down time.

You don’t have to watch her all the time. I’m not saying abandon her, but passively parent when she’s in the garden with you / playing with toys / banging stuff is fine. She needs to be able to try to do stuff and that includes hurting herself.

Have you ever left her with DH? Just because it’s not your way doesn’t mean it’s not fine. Also, unless you ever actually let him do it he won’t find his own way. It is hard when they’re little and breastfeeding but at 15 months you’re past that now; what would happen if you went out for a Saturday?

Are you putting her to bed at 8pm or are you going to bed at 8pm with her?

OP you say "theres nobody I can safely give her to."

Do you have parents or other family nearby who can help/give you a break? If not during the week then without him over a weekend? If no family nearby can you go and stay with family without your "D"H for a few days so you can a) be in an emotionally better atmosphere and b) get some rest yourself?

Are you a SAHM? Are you financially dependent on him? Can you put the baby in nursery or with childminder and work outside the home even part time instead?

Unsure what the answer is OP but if you can't get help from your husband or his mother you need to look for another solution- I know it's hard. 🌹

YY, agree with happy that if there's any chance you could afford even a half-day in nursery, it will give you a bit of breathing space.

(NB, definitely not suggesting this is a solution - more that it might be a respite while you find the energy to tackle the major problems here.)

DHs mother is abusive and he is selfish and childish...he could be disordered just like his mother you know. It presents itself differently in people but underlying selfishness throughout them, is universal.

So just be aware of that, he might be the same thing his mother is and that might be just starting to become apparent.

Really don't know anything about child-rearing...but could you hire a babysitter for a few evenings a week or something, just to give you some restbite?

Does he agree his mother is abusive, btw?
No. He minimises her behaviour and makes excuses for her. I’m low contact because of her abusive behaviour towards me and my parents. I keep DD away from her as much as possible. But DH will take DD to her as soon as he gets a chance, so I don’t dare give him the opportunity.

Well, that's tricky, but if he doesn't agree, I think your best bet right now isn't to tackle that one.

What happens if you suggest he has DD on his own? Is he up for the idea? He's not going to dash off to his mum's if he's doing short periods with her, I would think? He has her for an hour in the evenings - could he have her another half hour tonight so you can get a bath in peace? Etc.

I really do get how difficult it is to bite your lip when the toddler you've kept cheerful/non-tantrumy for a whole day suddenly melts down because your partner does something that to you seems obviously stupid or lazy. I really, really do. But I think maybe you have to do it a bit. It won't cause her permanent harm.

I really can’t be doing with all these men who never do night wakings with their children and have to sleep in a different room because their unbroken sleep is so important.

Unless they’re pilots, surgeons or similar it really is precious and ridiculous.

Do you have parents or other family nearby who can help/give you a break?
No. My parents are elderly and disabled, they can’t offer childcare.

(Btw, my MIL is abusive - though DP does finally get this, I'm not sure she did when DD was 15 months - and one of the things I find/found hardest is seeing DP subconsciously taking out her frustration with her mother on our DD. So she'd become very snappy with DD when her mother had been awful to her. It's very, very sad. But I wonder how much your DP hasn't been made to feel he could be a good parent, because he hasn't had much of an example?)

He's not going to dash off to his mum's if he's doing short periods with her, I would think?
I actually think he’d make a beeline for his mother if he had DD for a couple of hours. They have a disordered relationship. He’s already complained that she rarely sees DD. Imo that’s a good thing.

Yes, but I am talking about half an hour for you to have a bath.

I would start with that sort of thing, which is as much about you saying 'I need a bath - I'll be done in half an hour' as anything else. Because presumably he's not saying 'go have a relaxing bath darling'? Or if he is, you're not taking him up on it. So you need to fight your corner a bit more, and insist on more time for yourself.

I do get what you are saying about feeling it'd be better if your DD saw less of his mother. I just don't think, realistically, you're likely to get a good result out of him on this one if he doesn't agree she is abusive. Do you think he might be trying to please her still? My DP does a lot of trying to get a nice reaction from her mother. For ages she would feel so sorry for her mum that her mum didn't see enough of our DD - and gradually she's realised 1) there will never be an 'enough,' and 2) despite asking constantly for visits, her mum will never really bother to interact with DD when she's there, or be pleased with DP for bringing her.

Unfortunately, I think the only thing that convinced DP of this was time (and it's still an ongoing process). I doubt you telling your DP how you feel about his mum will do anything but drive a deeper wedge between you. He has to see it for himself.

Op, if you can’t trust your dh with his own child then you have a wider problem.

But in the short term you need to find some Independant help so you can catch up on some sleep. Have you tried talking to your GP practice nurse. Are you friendly with any local pseudo-grannies who will watch your dc for half an hour to give you a little breathing space? What about babysitters or child minders? A couple of hours while your dh is at work and you can sleep would help.
Where are you based, urban or rural?

Can you afford to put your DD into nursery for a few hours once or twice a week so you can catch up on some sleep OP?

I know you shouldn't have to your DH should stop being such a selfish prick and help look after his own DD but failing that you sound like you really need some proper sleep!

OP

Find a very trusted lovely lady to look after your dd for a few mornings a week. Perhaps start with an hour in the house, and then two, and then continue until you have the confidence to go out.

If you look into different options I think you will be surprised what a difference it will make to your life and well being.

We can't know how our dhs will be once they become parents, but I certainly would not be having any more children with him. No way.
If he is this incompetent you would be crazy to consider it.

It sounds like you need a short term solution to help you cope but there are deeper long-term problems

Your post could have been written by me, right down to the abusive MIL. I don't have any answers, I'm afraid.
He would bring my dd in to me whilst i was on the toilet or in the bath if she started squawking, he was completely incapable of parenting her for even half an hour.
The worst time was when she was about 18 months old, i went out for a couple of hours one evening (for a meeting) and when i came home, i found my dd lying on the floor, by the front door, hiccuping gently as they do when they've cried themselves out. My dh was watching tv in the other room and when questioned, merely shrugged and said, 'she wanted you, nothing i could do'. It was the first and last time i ever left her.
It nearly broke me and the resentment i still carry affects my relationship with him now. He is better now she's older, but in terms of coping now, i think you need to accept he will not be of help at all.
Once I'd stopped expecting my dh to parent, and I accepted i would have to do it all, in a way it became easier as i no longer wasted energy wanting/expecting him to step up. I also used my friends and neighbours (who offered, as they could see i was at breaking point) to take her occasionally. Good luck op.

Would it help if you actually arranged something for him to do with DD rather than leaving it up to him? I know that's frustrating but it might be the best way of getting some time to yourself. E.g. tell him you've booked a place at soft play/swimming/whatever, tell DD so that she is looking forward to it, get a bag ready for him so that he has no excuse - all deeply annoying to have to do but might encourage him to actually take her there?

Stop cooking for fuck's sake. Go to bed with strict instructions not to be disturbed until 11pm. Put ear plugs in and get some sleep.

What's the bedtime routine like? 8pm is too late for an 15m old to start winding down for bed.

At 15m no child needs constant bf through the night, and no you don't need to do every single waking. DP can do 50/50.

I don't mean to sound rude, I am just sick of reading threads where the OP is tolerating intolerable laziness and borderline abuse from their "D"P after the birth of a child. You are the only one with any power to change the situation, use it. Stand up to him so what if he shouts? That's a bullying tactic designed to make you shut up. Don't. What is he going to do, hit you? Better to find that out now and get rid of him than carry on with this joke of a "relationship" which is anything but.

I am deeply disturbed to hear about these men who are so careless with babies, I don't think I could stay with a man who wasn't protective of a small child,

I reached this crisis point with my DH when my 3rd (our first) child was young. She was a nightmare baby and he was totally useless. You can only take so much before you really snap, like I did.

I would have a proper conversation with your DH about how you are feeling. Tell him you desperately need 1 lie in per weekend where he just gets straight up with DD and leaves you alone. Tell him he is being a shit father and it will reach a stage where his DD will not want to know him and is that really what he wants? Does he really want his DDs childhood memories to be that way?

DD is 15m. I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours at a time since I was 3 months pregnant. I chose to breastfeed so I had to handle every single night waking and nap myself.

Why do people do this to themselves? Seriously. I would suggest you wean her. Not only will she sleep better but it means you can get your DH to feed her as well.

OMG DogHair
Why are you still with him?
That is really shocking.

preggo, I get why you're fed up, but I think you are being naive.

Yes, he might hit her; no, it might not be 'better' to know this now.

The OP is pretty obviously worried about harm to her child. She may (like me) be worrying 'only' that her DP would be slightly crap and her child would end up much more upset and disturbed than necessary. That on its own isn't fun to experience, and you do worry. Or, she may be worrying about something more than that. We can't know. She may not know herself. At bad points, I really worried that my DP would physically harm my DD. She never did, but looking back, I do entirely see why I worried about that.

His infant child should be the most precious thing in the world to him, he treats her like an annoying object that is someone else's problem
I don't think I could get past that