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Original poster

Birthday Cards - do people just not bother any more?

48 replies

CoastalWave · 01/05/2019 22:16

Just wondering if it's that, or it's the fact we are unpopular!

My daughter's birthday was last week. Only turned 4 so little. We couldn't afford a party this year so just had a normal day at school. Not one of my close friends (parents to her friends) even sent her a card. I wasn't expecting presents as we weren't having a party, but I thought they could at least get a card? I've been to over 14 parties since September, and bought a lovely card and present for each child. All friends of my daughter.

Not one card. In total she only got 4 as we have barely any family (so one off us, one of my brother her uncle, one off her grandparents and one off my best friend)

One of her best friends has her birthday party this weekend, and I'm feeling stupidly agrieved about her not buying my child just a card. They're 79p for goodness sake!

To top it off, it was then my birthday a week later, and same thing. Just the same 4 cards.

Together, 2 birthdays, we just about fill the mantlepiece!

maybe i'm old fashioned, but surely people still buy cards for little children? I do. Maybe it's just not the done thing any more.

Tell me to give my head a wobble, but I'm seriously thinking I'm going to have to somehow find the money for a party next year as my daughter was genuinely upset that she had only 4 cards to open!

OP posts:

Girasole02 · 02/05/2019 16:45

I'm the same as OP and totally get the feeling let down. I send cards for most occasions including the birthdays of my friends children. I think it's thoughtful and makes people feel good to have had their occasion marked in some way. Feels a bit rubbish though when it's one sided.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/05/2019 16:51

I've been to over 14 parties since September, and bought a lovely card and present for each child. All friends of my daughter.

It's the party that prompts people to remember to do it. It gives them a deadline to do it by; and a "reason" to do it, so they don't turn up empty handed.

I think getting cards without having a party or gathering went out before I was a kid; I only ever got them if we did something for my birthday.

stickerqueen · 02/05/2019 16:55

We give cards and a present to dd's close friends even if they are not having a party.
I send give my neighbours son's cards and a gift for there birthday, Easter and Christmas.
My daughter gets a card and gift from my neighbour every year too.

I have the kids birthdays in my diary so I remember to get the cards dd writes in them, when she was small I used to write on them.
My daughter gets a card and gift from my neighbour every year too

My daughter and her friend left the school they went to and they still send gifts and cards to each other 2 years later. Dd friend moved to another country I never thougjt they would carry on send things but I'm glad they have.

so some people do still bother

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Events & celebrations

Tealfrog · 02/05/2019 16:59

It is good for your DD that you have found that this is the case now so can avoid future disappointment for her. You won't get cards or presents from anyone other than close family if you choose not to celebrate her birthday with her friends.

An after school tea party at home with some basic party games would have worked- everyone would have brought a gift and card. No celebration means no gift and card - I'm afraid that is the way it goes.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 02/05/2019 17:03

No need to spend £300 on a party, weirdo!

Picnic, games and picnic in the park will do. When older, a sleepover with a midnight feast. No need to spend £££

Nobody does cards anymore, apart from my lovely MIL. That's modern times.

SmarmyMrMime · 02/05/2019 17:05

You could end up spending £££ per year on acknowledging every birthday for every friend and every child of theirs.

It is normal to give a card and gift if they host a celebration of the birthday. Anything else is a bonus.

It is easier, cheaper and more environmental to send a message rather than transporting reconstituted tree through the postal system, then recycling it after a few weeks.

Michaelbaubles · 02/05/2019 18:04

If you spend £5 a present instead of £10, and handmake your cards, you’d have £70 to put towards a party, which is more than enough for a party at home! And you’d get loads of presents back. Win win!

mimibunz · 02/05/2019 18:09

I think cards are only a big deal in the UK. And at 4 years old would she care? We only give them to the children in our family.

BackforGood · 02/05/2019 23:29

Just seem a bit shit you have to hold a party to get any sort of recognition?

but who needs 'recognition' for having a birthday? We all have birthdays.

If you choose to celebrate your birthday, then the social norm (certainly in the UK, but I suspect the world over) is that you tend to receive a gift from all the people you invite to celebrate your birthday with you.
If you (or in this case, your parent) chooses not to celebrate your birthday, then most people won't remember it is your birthday, and if they do, they won't go out and buy things for your birthday. That's just not how it works.

We are actually going to 2 parties this weekend, and I now feel pissed off because neither sent a card to DD and we're expected to turn up with a £10 gift and a card in a nice birthday bag when neither even SAID happy birthday to DD. Makes me want to turn up empty handed !

See above, and what all posters are telling you. The etiquette is that when you go to a party, you take a gift. If you can't afford to, then don't - nobody will mind - but that is the 'social norm' in our society. How do you know no-one said Happy Birthday to her ? Does she go to Nursery ? Most Nurseries make a bit of a 'thing' of birthdays during the day. If not, why do you think these people should have even known it was her birthday ?

I will just need to hold a party (and spend out £300) in order that she gets fuss on her birthday next year.

But you don't need to spend anywhere near that.
It is down to you as her parent, how much "fuss" you make of birthdays in your house. It isn't anyone else's responsibility.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 02/05/2019 23:34

I feel sad about the demise of birthday and Christmas cards.

redhotchill · 02/05/2019 23:47

So they paid for your daughter to go to a party but they don't get to go to a party in return?

Isn't that the same thing as your card issue? A party doesn't cost £300

Giantsbane · 03/05/2019 06:37

Until recently I always bought cards for my friends children. I couldn't afford presents for them all but I'd get them a card. Last year none of them remembered by dds birthday, not even a text so I've stopped bothering.

This isn't for all friends btw ones I'm really close to and see weekly get cards and a present

Recently it was dds best friend at nursery's birthday, she wasn't having a party but dd made her a card because she wanted to which I thought was nice of my 4yo

My dd also didn't have a party when turning 4, she was at nursery that morning so I sent cupcakes in for all the kids and the nursery made a little fuss and sang for her at lunchtime

itsboiledeggsagain · 03/05/2019 06:49

When little we just had a birthday tea on thr day with school /nursery friends.

You need to invite people to celebrate your child's birthday

No I don't do cards, don't see the point myself. Kids always seem to have loads though, I guess via the party.

user1474894224 · 03/05/2019 06:57

Birthday tea at home for 3/4 of her closest friends. They play. You do pass the parcel. You blow up balloons. You feed them sandwich, chocolate fingers, grapes and birthday cake. You get a craft activity - they do it the. Take it home as party bag. Your daughter gets cards and gifts you spend about £20 on it. Job done. Everyone is happy.

Nishky · 03/05/2019 06:59

One of the best parties my kids went was held in a public park where there was a big play area- the mum laid on a picnic and the kids all played in the park. It was fab.

As others have mentioned, children that age only tend to get cards if they have parties.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/05/2019 07:08

Agree with pp - I wouldn't expect a card in those circumstances. Kids are expected to have a birthday celebration and if they don't, it goes under the radar.

I am a big card sender but I'm in the minority and I don't expect others to behave the same. A lot of kids don't care about cards, though My 5 and 7yo dd are completely obsessed with making cards for friends and family and find reasons to give them every week!

Betsy86 · 03/05/2019 07:21

I think people are missing the point op is making that these are not just random school friends, they are close friends of hers and her child who have not acknowledged her daughters birthday. Am i right op?
And if so i think thats a really rubbish thing for them to do! If my friends child was not having a party I would still buy a little gift and card from us to drop round. Especially if they had given my child a gift on her birthday.
Although i get that times are changing i feel im abit old school i like a nice card im very thoughtful when it comes to occasions. It does sting abit when close people do not do the same and i am gradually scaling back abit but would never totally ignore a birthday to someone close to me!
Please dont feel you need to spend money you cant afford on a big party op. My little ones never had a big party like that, mainly as shes sen and it would be overwhelming. We do a little tea party at home though just close family/friends and it always goes down really well.
Dont feel to sad op I’ve had to start looking at it and accepting that people don't always have the same heart as you do! Keep being you is kind to be kind :) xx

ourkidmolly · 03/05/2019 07:27

Don't be crazy. You get cards and presents when you have a party that's it. Otherwise nothing. Why on earth would people start doing otherwise? No one gives a toss about others children's birthdays. Where would you stop? You don't need to spend £300 either. Invite 6 friends to a birthday tea and games at home and you'll get 6 presents and cards.

Sewrainbow · 03/05/2019 07:58

Apart from to elderly aunts and close family I only give a card when I attend a party. Same with Christmas. I think things are changing, I'm no great fan of Facebook but can see why people think it suffices and I do send my distant friends greetings or there or a text now. Stamps are expensive too.

It doesn't sit well with me, to buy cards cards (which actually can be v expensive) to give to then throw away. In the current climate of waste it just seem wrong, the trees, the manufacturing, the air miles and trucks delivering them to the shops, loads can't be recycled due to glitter or embellishments etc

I was surprised yesterday when walking around a garden centre how many were there and how expensive they were. Who justifies £3 or more on a card?!

tanpestryfirescreen · 03/05/2019 08:00

I don't. If I get a card I open it read and put straight into the recycling.

EffYouSeeKaye · 03/05/2019 08:07

It does seem a bit sad. I don’t agree that only card companies benefit from sending cards, I do think the recipient benefits.

As for the parties this weekend, I would take the view that a 79p card + a £5/10 token gift have ‘bought’ your daughter a lovely couple of hours playing / being entertained with her friends and a nice party tea. That might help it seem more worthwhile when you are feeling a bit down about the whole thing.

What about a ‘party’ on the cheap sometime in the next few weeks? Say 4 or 5 close friends after school for tea and a play?

Original poster

CoastalWave · 03/05/2019 14:28

Thank you for the nice messages.

Yes, I am talking about close friends (and their kids, who are my daughter's close friends) not really talking about her school friends (who no, I wouldn't expect to give a card)

I think I will need to do just a birthday tea type of thing for her. As some of you suggest, just a few friends after school. Nothing major.

I think I am old school and really don't understand that you have to hold a party to acknowledge your child's best friend's birthday (especially when said child bought your child a £25 present only the week before!)

All of her school friends have had parties at play centres etc (where it is indeed about £250/£300 if they invite the whole class) . Personally I find them very impersonal so wouldn't want to do that if I"m honest, even if I did have the money which we don't.

I'm afraid I'm still of the opinion that it's a bit crap not to make a fuss with a 79p card of a small child, especially when that child has indeed made a fuss of your child's birthday with significantly more.

OP posts:

Betsy86 · 04/05/2019 07:13

Im totally with you on this op! A little tea party at home will be nice for her!
A child that comes to our tea party asks her mum every year for the same but it made to have big party at trampoline places/softplay etc and every year theres some form of disaster/rush/injury and the times over before the kids get chance to start having fun! Plus they cant really afford it and spend weeks after regretting it then do it all over again the following year!
I really do think its bad of your close friends to not acknowledge her birthday especially as you put in effort for them.
Im always going to get a little something for birthdays but i am trying to scale back abit as i buy something then add extras to it when i really dont need to. Or look for good offers and put things away in advance as like you im not loaded but like to acknowledge birthdays!
So maybe try to find some nice things around the £10 mark for gifts and the other £10 you saved on that gift can be put away for your dds birthday/xmas/ day out treat etc.
I have found many lovely gifts on good offers recently that i have stashed away.
We are definitely in the same boat on this op! Don’t feel bad about being kind op and i hope people start to realise what a thoughtful friend you are and show some thought for your little one from now on!!xx

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