PTSD after abuse, suddenly worse in my 40s... anyone else been here?

[PTSD]

So I was abused in my teens by someone close to me, not related but a trusted family friend.

I went through lots of therapy in my 20s. I was very angry: he was never punished, his wife stood by him when it all came out and he didn’t seem to pay for what he had done in any way. But as the years drew on I felt much better- it would be fair to say I carried it with me always but it was under control. I was okay. I got married (and my DH is wonderful, can’t fault him, I feel so lucky to have him, truly) and had three lovely children.

BUT the end of last year I turned the age my abuser was when he started abusing me. That seems to have been a weird tipping point and I’m suffering again.

I’m torn between several emotions. I was deeply in love with him, I believed it was a relationship even though I was only 14 when it started, and I have this sick feeling in my stomach at times that he was actually the love of my life and I desperately miss him, despite having not seen him in 20yrs and actually being quite frightened of him still. I know that’s faulty thinking, I don’t really love or miss him but it feels like a loss. As well as that I’m scared of him still. Over the years I’ve seen him and his wife on occasion and it makes me feel sick. I literally panic. And as well as all that I am unbelievably angry again. Furious. Want to find him and kill him. Spend hours googling him- fruitless, he’s seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth and has no internet presence. I daydream about tracking him down and torturing him. I feel bleak and exhausted by it.

I have tried to access NHS counselling- can’t afford private at the moment due to there only being one income for a while since DH had surgery- but am on a waiting list. Previously diagnosed with PTSD, not sure if I still have it. I’m not depressed and I’m not anxious exactly, I just can’t stop thinking about him. I’m fucking tired of it- it’s been 25+yrs.

Any advice or reassurance of this being normal or just anything I could do to stop the anger and sadness would be much appreciated.

I know this all sounds mad. Thanks for reading this stream of consciousness.

It doesn't sound mad at all! You've been through a lot and it's normal for things to creep up on you unexpectedly.

I'm sorry I don't have advice but wanted to bump and send

Hopefully you won't be on the waiting list for too long. I'm glad your DH is supportive. All the best

Have been thinking about you OP. Sorry you haven't had more replies. Bumping for you x

Hey, me too your are not alone or mad, your are having a normal response to trauma. It Sounds like your PTSD has flared up again triggered by the age thing.

Napac have a support line and are fantastic if you need an understanding ear - napac.org.uk.

Is there any way you could look at the reduced cost counselling? Some will assess your income and some are free. Google what is available in your area. I felt I needed counselling to get over something and ended up going private (despite it effecting me financially and actually putting me in debt) because I was worried if I didn't address it ASAP it was going to affect my MH further

I had a reoccurrence of PTSD in my 40’s relating to abuse but in my case it was triggered by another traumatic/highly oppressive ongoing situation. I similarly sat on an NHS waiting list feeling bleak, but did eventually get seen, had 6 months worth of counselling and it has really helped.
WRT to the feelings you have described for your abuser, I have had all those feelings about mine (and in fact have never really seen or heard anyone else describe them so similarly, so you have already helped me by sharing, if that is any consolation). I have always found it so confusing to feel like that and often felt so guilty for feeling like that...often searched, like you and been on the brink of contact but stopped before falling off the cliff. And had all the darkness you describe.
When I had counselling, I was actually talking about another abusive situation which was very long term and like you, was so so tired of it...though the counselling itself was hard work, I have ultimately been able to:
Have my feelings and experiences validated (instead of life long minimisation)
And
Work through things more fully than ever before.
I sometimes have to repeat my counsellors words over and over in my head if I am feeling dodgy, and it has been a long long road but for the first time in 5 years I feel so much better and for the first time in my life, feel able to really get away from the legacy of abuse...it’s day by day and a work in progress. I would also say I had a completely mad period of grieving over letting go of the abuse - whilst I felt I could not live with what happened, in reality I actually did not genuinely know how to live without what had happened to me, or how I would live if I let go of it, if you know what I mean - it defined me so much I did not know who I was without it.
Abuse is properly toxic and I liken having been abused to being covered in somebody else’s toxic waste....but you can survive this....you already have....this person can never harm you again and you can work to release the toxic burden they have dumped......slowly, with appropriate help and support.....
In the meantime, some of the things my counsellor helped me to do, which might be helpful to you, was to focus on my feelings about what happened, not the details...she encouraged me to practice self-care and not self-abuse or self-neglect. I was also very keen to try to really understand my own patterns of being drawn to subsequent abusive people and situations and she helped me look at that...
I am just sharing in the hope you may not feel quite so alone while you wait...I know the waiting is agony, I was holding onto so so much by the time I got there....one of the things that helped me wait is that I really thought about exactly what I wanted to get out of the counselling, what I would say, how I would explain....I was afraid I would never get my chance but I did...and so will you...waiting and dealing with the fallout is really hard, but you can do it and you deserve your chance to be heard....thinking of you, hope this can be even a tiny bit of help.
X