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Original poster

To be envious of this attitude?

47 replies

SylviatheSnail · 29/04/2019 18:37

I work with a lovely woman. We were talking about families etc today. She said she never does anything she doesn't want to i.e. Any invites she doesn't want to go to or family she doesn't want to see. I asked her if it was ever awkward but she said no she's her main priority and will remain that way. I'm jealous she's like this she seem s happy whereas I feel a bit bitter that I do a lot I don't want

OP posts:

ssd · 30/04/2019 08:12

I do this but only cos I'm a stubborn bugger
Don't get me wrong, I'll do anything for people that mean something to me but if you piss me off enough I'd cut you dead.
Don't do what everyone thinks you should do, that's exhausting.

Lungelady · 30/04/2019 08:15

You certainly don't have to be rude...Just firm.
I wasn't like this in my 30s and early 40s. And regret it.

elQuintoConyo · 30/04/2019 08:27

Saying no is good for my mental health.

I stopped visiting in-laws about 3 years ago, but don't prevent DH going and taking DS (they aren't abusive, just a bit cunty , pardon my Latin). It's AMAZING not going!

We have good friends who are social butterflies and we say no to about 1/2 or 1/3 of their invites as although we love them dearly, we don't get an awful lot of free time as a family. We're thinking of camping with them this year, do it's not a big deal to decline a few things.

Once I hit about 32/33yo, I'd reflect on a night out, or whatever, and think 'good god that was Ballache City, not doing that again', or the contrary.

Occasionally I'll think 'oh, not that again?' but still go so DS can play with other kids, or just go keep up appearances, but to feel in control of that compromise is empowering.

I sound like complete bitch with no friends, but I'm not, honest!

BasinHaircut · 30/04/2019 08:29

I’ve started to take on this attitude more and more. I have no trouble just saying no to anything and I don’t suffer from FOMO.

I’ve come to realise that other people are happy being obliviously much more selfish than me so why not put me and mine first.

That doesn’t mean I don’t ever do nice things for others or anything like that, because I still want to do that sort of thing. I just put me first.

It’s nice, try it!

Chickenwing · 30/04/2019 08:43

I'm also jealous. Who really wants to go to a 2 year olds birthday party? You're seen as an asshole if you admit that to the parents tho! I dread most family meet ups and do it out of obligation X

DownUdderer · 30/04/2019 08:44

People pleasing seems pointless to me. The one you’re trying to please only ever wants more and more. It’s simpler for me to please myself. If the only reason you are doing something is because you couldn’t say no, it seems pointless and fake.

TwitterQueen1 · 30/04/2019 08:44

As elQuinto says, it's good for mental health...

I think we should have a general thread along the lines of "Things I said 'no' to" . It would very empowering!

Catchingbentcoppers · 30/04/2019 09:19

It's only good for mental health if you are genuinely not worried about upsetting someone else.

For me, I might get to do what I like but then I'd be so stressed about upsetting people that I would get myself in a state.

Jinglejanglefish · 30/04/2019 09:29

Dp and I both do this, if we don't want to do something then we don't. So far hasn't caused any major issues

MyRankIsSuperintendent · 30/04/2019 09:52

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*k: The bestselling book everyone is talking about (A No Fcks Given Guide) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1784298468/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_vYaYCb6CND45S?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This is the book for you. It's fabulous! I'm not an expert but I'm getting there! First rule is don't be a dick then the rest follows from there.

TwitterQueen1 · 30/04/2019 10:11

But that's the whole point Catching. Those who don't care about 'upsetting' others don't need any help! I'm not talking about being unpleasant or rude or selfish, just about not being a people pleaser.

There are so many posts on here about

people arranging play dates without consultation, to avoid arranging child care
yesterday, one poster asked specifically for notice of an overnight stay for a single person, and then got very short notice of a stay with associated children.
wedding invitations crop up on a very regular basis....

It's really just about taking a few baby steps to take control of our lives instead of running around after other people like a blue-arsed fly.

OldAndWornOut · 30/04/2019 11:29

I often found I would agree to something, then end up making a ridiculous, unbelievable excuse at the last minute, so resentful at the person who had 'made' me do it that I ended up letting them down anyway.
Better to say "thanks, but I'm really not keen on (insert activity) so I won't be coming"

Davros · 30/04/2019 15:18

I have to admit that I don't usually just say "no" to something but I won't find myself doing things I don't want to do unless I've chosen to but I do deploy porkies and excuses. It may seem cowardly but it means no-one can try to unpick my reasoning and no-one gets upset. But I don't seem to have to do it too often, maybe because of my age and dead parents and in-laws! With them, and other times, I use the "no but" technique. "No I can't go there/then but I can ...."

RidgedPerfection · 30/04/2019 17:18

I am hugely envious of that attitude; I spend an awful lot of time doing things that I don't want to, to please others. Sometimes it is polite and kind and necessary and the "right" thing to do morally - on other occasions I end up sacrificing everything I actually want to do for things that other people want me to do.

TheBulb · 30/04/2019 18:21

I do this. It's not all that radical, surely? It just involves getting past the (heavily gendered) idea that your wishes are less important than anyone else's.

Admittedly, I grew up with a mother who's so terrified of giving people a reason to dislike her (as she sees it) that she was routinely exploited throughout my childhood, and because she thought her children were an aspect of her, she expected us to be OK with coming last to everyone else, too. As a result, she has adult children, her daughters in particular, who are extremely good at prioritising themselves.

Riverviews · 30/04/2019 21:23

I do that about 80% of the time.

That's why many years ago I decided my DC wouldn't do any organised weekend activities that involved me driving them places. I also decided I would not wait for people agree to go on holidays to the places I wanted to go. I just started going on my own.

You start with little things and eventually, it becomes easier.

I'm much happier not having to please people most of the time, and I believe that professionally it has got me to a much better place.

Whoops75 · 30/04/2019 22:40

I’m becoming more and more like this.
So far so good 😊

ragged · 30/04/2019 22:43

I had a colleague like this. I half admired it. She could also seem rather rude & unfriendly. But content in herself.

PrincessDanae · 30/04/2019 22:51

I think its great - up to a point. I have a friend who does this, if something doesn't work for her, she won't do it, no matter what. I, however, would be willing to go out of my way for a good friend who I valued if it was important to them. I valued her, and did use to go out of my way for things that were important to her. I don't now. In the end she's the one whose missing out now, because of her attitude.

Stoplookandgo · 30/04/2019 23:01

I think its great to put yourself first, I try to do this in my life. I don't feel obliged to do anything that doesnt work for me and i i don't generally do something i dont want to just to keep the peace. That said if something is really important to somebody I will make an effort for them. I sat through the Avengers movie this week because I promised my eldest I would take him. I was bored stiff but i made all the right noises because I love him and it made him happy.

Dhalandchips · 30/04/2019 23:05

It's liberating and joyful! I learned how to think of myself first only about 18 months ago and I love it. My life has improved immensely!

dinosaurtwothreeroar · 01/05/2019 09:16

I've started doing this in the past couple of years and it's not gone down well with my controlling parents. They still say to me "why are we going around in circles" blah blah. We're not, it's just I won't give in and do everything they want me to do every time.

It was draining at first but now I'm at ease with it. I think they're pissed off that they spent most of their weekends with us at one of their parents so we didn't get much family time. They think we should do the same because they did and didn't want to, because it's just what family do.

They get really annoyed about the fact that a couple of hours once a month is plenty for me.

I'm not a monster, so if my Nan needs to go to a hospital appointment and asks for help, even if it's really inconvenient I'll do it and rearrange anything, because I care about her a lot. But I won't feel bad about not dropping everything to go into work last minute as cover when they ask.

I think overall I feel more content and confident in myself these days

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