School refusal - at wits end...

[StripeyChina]

DD is nearly 12.
She is at middle school. her last one closed so she had to change. The other girls in her class went to a huge High School but we didnt think that was right for her so she is at a neighbouring middle school She knew one girl there already and was put in her class. Not ideal.

Before this upheaval however, she was already school refusing (in a small school with only 45 kids inc her older brother who she is very close to). Because the school was closing they did nothing.

She was finally referred for ASD assessment in Sept. We are part way through. But she won't go in much (attendance down to 80% now and i'm surprised its that high). Today for example - wont get dressed, eat breakfast, leave room. When i push it she will threaten to 'go off round the village' (small rural place but not esp safe for her to roam given not much sense of danger). So if push comes to shove i cant MAKE her get on school bus as she will run off / become aggressive, neither of which help the situation.

School say she's still settling in, school bus too stressful (its a minibus door to door with brother). But she is no more willing to leave house if i drive her so that is not the main cause.

I'm find it really hard. ON days she wont go in, she wont leave me alone for 5 mins. So today we've done some science revision, she's done some 'PE' (running around garden / trampoline) and some reading / colouring in her room. It's hours till bedtime... I can't work / plan the week (cant leave her alone). She is better with a planned routine but with puberty hitting she is kicking back against everything right now. I have some sympathy with this (I don't think she's being 'naughty' but ASD but it still leaves me stuck for what to do to get her to school so they can include a 'school observation' in her ASD assessment?

Sorry for vent. Just so frustrated.

do not want to cut and run but I am out of my depth here. Hope you get some help.

There is a fb group for school refusers. Sorry don't know the link but a school mum with an elder ds who is a SR, says it had been a God send

Hi there, if you are on Facebook there is a thriving group there called “Not Fine in School” for parents of school refusers.

I feel for you as this is a nightmare for many people. I had a period in Y7 where DS did this...he is autistic and he just wasn’t coping in a mainstream setting, it stopped once he went to a special school.

However Special schools aren’t for all kids as they have many less exam opportunities for academic pupils.

In the first instance I’d suggest keeping a diary if exactly what’s happening and then keeping the school and the LEA informed .

You need help with this as often it gets worse.

Are you in a position to home educate?

Thanks, everyone.
I just feel so alone so a good idea about the FB group etc.
I'd rather not HE. Her older brother is ASD too and I'm a single parent so I get no breaks as it is (Dad has had them for a whole 4 days in last 6 months and that was only because I went away to see a friend as they won't go to Dads house either). It's really hard not to feel resentful. I don't resent her but I do now feel exhausted and depressed tbh.

Hi OP, not sure if I can offer much advice but just some solidarity.
My DD was school refusing for around 15 months from early Y6 till half way through Y7. She attended less than 40% of the time, and when she did we only got her there after much cajoling, arguments and bribery, usually very late. It was awful. No SEN in our case - DD's refusal related to bullying and anxiety and horrible relationships between the children in the class in primary and then ending up at a secondary that was wrong for her. Plus sheer bloodymindedness on her part, and probably, enjoying the attention she got from us/ sense of control over her situation. Through luck and persistance we have got her into a different school - which she is loving and where she is thriving.

Do you have to work OP? It's a nightmare if you do. What does she say about why she doesn't want to go/can't go?

I would suggest:

1. Staying highly engaged with the school at all times. What can they put in place?
2. Doing something to break the pattern. Just taking the pressure off for a bit. Say she can stay off and home ed of sorts until half term and then re-appraise?
3. Can DD try the High School? Would offering it to her as an option help her articulate what she wants and needs?

We muddled through it. It was really hard. I am not 100% convinced we are out of the woods completely yet. Schools were sympathetic - as in didn't threaten us with fines/EWO but ineffective in actually addressing issues.

Not got any advice to offer but I have the same difficulty with my son who has autism. Thanks DuckWillow for mentioning the Facebook group, I've just requested to join.

Thanks for the above.
I just lost my job due to this.

She says School is:
too loud, too long, too hard, she can't talk to anyone, esp teachers.
She struggles to express herself. When they came to do the home assessment part of the ASD assess she hid in a large cardboard box and basically wouldn't communicate with the assessor. She doesnt kick off at school though so they have 'no problems' with her.
I doubt very much she would go to the High School (1200 kids, and boy is it noisy). She is very 'young' and her brother says: 'mum, she is so autistic!'. She is socially quite behind for her age and will be bullied.

I'm so sorry to hear about your job. I am a freelancer and have a partner but it was stressful enough with that flexibility and backup - and it definitely took a toll on my mental health.

I would go to school and make sure they understand her levels of distress. We had similar in that when DD was at school she was impeccably behaved and very quiet "no trouble", yet she was terribly upset most days and the nights before too. How long does she have to go at Middle school - when and where will she naturally progress to? Could the school offer half days, or flexible schooling so 2 days per week, just to relieve some pressure from her for the short term. It's neither SATs nor GCSEs so they have less pressure in some respects.