What to do about this colleagues viscous comments?

[PeachBlossomTree]

I’ve not told anyone in real life even my DH as I feel absolutely pathetic that I’m a adult and can’t stand up for myself.

I’ve been working at the same company for 14 years. It’s a small family run business. I’ve been there since I was 20. I sit opposite a woman who started about 6 months before I did. She’s about 20-25 years older than me. She like me is also not related to the owners either.

I have never had much in common with her. Despite working opposite her We don’t have much conversation, she constantly talks at me and doesn’t care about my life but I’m quite a private person so that suits me just fine.
She is quite a show off and has to be the centre of attention and has to top everything everyone has / has done I’m sure you know the type. She’s like if with everyone at work and it really does get people backs up.

In December 2016 my 2nd DC was 2 years old, I had gained quite a bit of weight and went from a size 14 to size 20. I bought 2 new oversized wool coats identical but different colours. I went into work and when I sat at my desk about 4 buttons of the bloody coat fell off. Colleague was in hysterics saying I was so fat I burst my coat and literally retailed the tail to everyone in the office. I think the buttons hadn’t been sewn on very well as the other coat was the same and after a few days every button had come off.

Anyway this started her off constantly calling me porky and poking fun at me about my weight. So I decided it was time to do something about it.

3 years later I’ve lost 6 stone. It’s been a bit of a sore spot for colleague as in the last year she has noticeably gained quite a bit of weight. A few of the other ladies that work upstairs have been full of praise towards me. I don’t like to talk about it as I do find it a bit embarrassing and it then puts colleague in a mood and she takes it out on me.

Every single day she will slip a sly comment/s my way either about my appearance these gems are usually (disgusting / gaunt) or about my food (eating a meal today are you) or that I’ve clearly got a eating disorder (I haven’t by the way)

I usually just ignore her but it’s really now getting to me as my IBS has started off again. I only get it when I’m worried / stressed about something and it’s been happening frequently in the middle of the night.

What should I do? Should I stand upto her or speak to my manager? He’s not great at sorting issues between staff, I could speak to the MD of the company but he’s not very approachable. We have no HR department.

What do you say back to her when she makes these comments? I hope you give as good as you get but I'm guessing not.
If you have no HR department then definitely speak to your manager - you do not have to put up with this.

You sound lovely Peach

I can relate to you in some ways regarding standing up for yourself as an adult.

That woman is pathetic and clearly has issues. I know exactly the type you're talking about. She should not be getting away with speaking to you like that.

I'm sorry I've no advice because if this was happening to me I think I'd be supported if I complained about this.

She could make your life worse at work if you don't have the backing of management.

However I do see a lot of managers lacking in the people management side of the things. Why become a manager if you can't do it this part of the role ffs!

Could you try saying something like this:
Vicious Colleague, can I have a word with you? I’m really quite concerned because you seem to be so obsessed with my weight loss and I feel awful that I’ve upset you somehow.
VC: Upset! I’m not upset. You’re the one with a problem.
You: Oh ok. As long as you’re all right that’s fine.
Then every time she says anything smile sympathetically and occasionally remind her that you are always there for her if she needs a friend.
It may not stop her but it will give you and anyone else around a good laugh.

Are you allowed to wear headphones? Or just reply, sorry I’m concentrating on work, I didn’t hear you, then as she repeats it, till your eyes and laugh then look back down at work.

I don't really understand why you've been letting her get away with these nasty comments for years without saying anything.

A quiet life is fine but you need to stand up for yourself or people like her will continue to walk all over you. No need to involve your manager or the MD (at this stage).

Next time she says something, I'd just reply in a loud, clear voice "Vicious colleague do you have to be such a bitch the entire time? How about trying to be pleasant for once?"

As a manager I would expect folk to try to sort out personal stuff between themselves first and then come to me if they weren't able to

No no no, do not call her out or call her a bitch.

Next time she says anything, open a notebook/diary, look at your watch nice and slowly, note down the date, time, location, who was in the room and what she said - word for word.

if she asks what you are doing, say 'I have been advised to note down every instance of bullying'. If she say 'by who' say 'I am not at liberty to say'.

When you have documented 10 instances, put a grievance in and add in the historic comments that were not as well documented at the time, tell them that you only documented them after you sought out advice due to the consistent bullying.

With any bully, calling them out will lead to you being accused of bullying her. You need to document it and get your witnesses noted down.

Ask her "Why are you so strangely interested in my weight?"

Sackrifice, that's an excellent idea. OP, you wont be the only person she treats like this, I expect your colleagues will support you. Good luck.

Yes do what sackrifice says 👍

Spot on sakrifice

Tell her to shut the fuck up.

Absolutely agree with sakrifice great advice!

hundred because some adults can't stand up for themselves.

It could be for a variety of complex reasons.

Bullying happens to adults.

Noting things down is a good idea.

Another thing you can try is every time she says something bitchy, smile a little as if you have just heard something funny. Like remembering a little personal joke. It will drive her insane that you might be finding her amusing. I have done with this unpleasant colleagues and it has worked a charm.

Thanks for the responses.

When she makes these comments I don’t reply. In my head I would love to give it to her however she would be straight in there to report me. She’s reported other colleagues in the past who’s comments were no way directly linked to her.

Our manager is lacking in this area but he wasn’t employed as a manager he’s above us but taken the role on board. He’s constantly on the phone to ACAS as he’s got little knowledge of how things should be delt with.

No unfortunately I can’t use headphones as we have to take / make calls.

I think logging the comments in front of her is actually a good idea.

Also making having some stock phases to hand.

My confidence has been in the gutter for years, finally starting to get it back and it’s set me back again.

If you won’t/can’t stand up to her -

Smirk at her for ages then tell her she’s got something hanging from her nose.

Flinch dramatically from her breath and then promptly offer her a mint.

“What shampoo do you use?” Thank her for the info and say you’ll pass it on to your Nan who has EXACTLY the same hair as hers.

“Oh dear! Late night was it?” Even though you know she hasn’t been out. Also, show faux concern at her looking poorly when she isn’t.

“That’s a nice dress, Primark are so reasonable aren’t they?”.

Yawn repeatedly when she speaks, forget her name, introduce her with a slightly different name, forget any personal info about her and ask her like you don’t know when her birthday is etc.

Channel your inner Alexis Carrington Colby and enjoy making ‘innocent’ remarks at her expense.