I feel like a total failure as a Mum

[AMM80]

My daughter is 12 and all we seem to do is fight. I'm always doing something wrong, or I say something and I'm the worst person ever. I try to find things that we can do together but she just is never interested in anything unless she wants it first.

Most days I feel that she would be better without me in her life but the thought of her going to her bio dad scares me that she will turn out even worse.
I don't know what to do, Im always crying.

Your not a rubbish mum. You just have a 12 year old. Let her make some decisions, but have clear boundaries.

I felt a bit better when somebody described the teenage years as a natural part of growing up. Apparently many animals start to fight with their parents just before they go off alone into the world.

Stop crying. Stop trying so hard. Build a life of your own that doesn’t depend on her. She might continue as she is for the rest of her life but from time to time she will need you. Between times, don’t take her too much to heart. Until recently, you have been as one but now she has to prove to herself and you that she is an independent being, with her own ways of doing things.

You aren’t a bad mum, she doesn’t need to be with her dad (do you have a man in the house? Have you checked that nothing is going wrong there?), she needs you to continue to love her and maintain boundaries, whilst gently backing off and allowing her to grow up.

Mine had to fight like hell but eventually I got the message.

Honestly, this is normal! I have a 12 yo and it sounds pretty similar!!

Have a google about the the teenage brain - they basically revert back to being toddlers. Their brains reorganise and they lose the ability to empathise with others, hence moods and tantrums.

She will grown out of it. In the meantime, although unpleasant to live with, it's not the end of the world. In general you need to stand firm, roll your eyes and have a cup of tea. At times though, like with a toddler, you need to set boundaries. We use a strike system, there's a reward at the end but excessive rude behaviour gets a strike and the reward goes if she gets 3 strikes. It's a reward chart for big babies!!!

I've seen SO many kids go through this! They come out ok the other end though. One friend described it as in yr 7 you lose your child and have to get to know a whole new person. If that's scary for you - imagine how it feels for them!!

Be her rock, don't let your insecurities become her problem.

Good luck!!

Yup. Teenagers. Oh my they are fun. We had this with our son from about the age of 12 - 14. Then he has turned into a lovely boy. We still have a few problems. But most of the time he is fairly reasonable. Hang in there. I cried and was frustrated too. It does get better.

It's normal. Perfectly normal!

I had 4 teens (at the same time.. WHAT possessed me?) and as another poster said..many turn into toddlers again... unreasonable and often unpleasant.

Pick your battles. She won't want to be YOUR friend for a while... she's finding her place in the world. Decide what REALLY matters to you and be firm on those boundaries (being safe in the world, not being overly rude, bringing dishes down..whatever) but don't argue over everything..it's not worth it.

For the next few years she is separating from being hte little girl she was. It's as tough as you make it. Be the cheerful face of safety and sameness and don't cry all the time!

She'll become human again in a few years. Two of mine were pretty easy going , one was tricky and one was downright hideous, but they are all lovely and loving adults now. It will pass!

Don’t try yo be her friend, that causes more conflict. They grow apart from you for awhile as they think they know it all and test everything around them, but then grow up and understand you were right all along!