What is the right thing to do about the kids party?

[Notwiththetoast]

I know I’m totally over thinking this - but trying to come up with an answer which is neither rude nor unkind....

DS7s birthday is coming up soon. He wants to invite his best friend - no probs. However BF is actually ‘best friends’ with someone else - we’ll call him Boy2. They play together sometimes. DS does not want to invite Boy2 - partly because Boy2 likes to be centre of attention but also I think because he is a little jealous of BF / Boy2’s friendship.

Instead he wants to invite some other children including a close friendship group of 4 boys who he’s never really mentioned before or been close with.

Shortly before DSs party, we’rE invited to a family party by Boy2s family. We shouldn’t be able to make it - but as DS really wants to go I’ve rearranged things so that DS and I will go and the rest of my family have other plans.

So - do I :

a) Get DS to invite Boy2, but this means that only 4 out of 11 other boys in the class will be ‘left out’ which feels unkind.

b) not invite Boy2 - which feels rude given I don’t think DSs motives come from a good place, and the fact we’re attending Boy2s family’s event mostly because DS wants to attend.

c) Tell DS he needs to invite only 2 of the friendship group of 4, and invite Boy2 instead. Feels like the least rude unkind option to me - but don’t think DS has the emotional maturity to appreciate this as the ‘right’ answer.

d). Something else that I’ve not thought of....

Invite all the boys in the class?

Patchwork - would love to invite all but they can’t all fit at the activity ( Max 8) hence wanting to keep to 6 (ie half the boys).

Patchworksack makes a good suggestion, but if not possible, of your options I think c) is best. I think Boy2's parents would be miffed at Boy2 being left out if you've been to their party.

It depends on BF's morals but if he thinks your DS is being unkind to exclude Boy2, it may harm their relationship. Although I admit this isn't typical behaviour for 7yos... in my experience they are pretty self-serving. Not always though.

It's nice to hear from a parent who actually cares though... so many seem to model really selfish (rebranded as "assertive") behaviours to their children.

I don't think it's acceptable not to invite Boy2 in this situation. Esp as your DS "really wants" to go to HIS party. And I would be explaining this to my child in that situation.

I would also suggest to mine that his best option is to become (genuinely) better friends with Boy2 to help with the friendship with BF.
(In fact, I DID do this with DD when she was a couple of years younger than your DS... the girl she loved the most was BFFs with another girl, and I did advise DD to make better friends with both of them. They're still all friends now and are 17!)

So, I agree with option C.

I'd also be explaining to DS that if he wants to do a specific activity with limited numbers, then he has to be as fair and kind as he can be.

Option C. Otherwise he's going to Boy2s party knowing he plans to exclude him from his own. It would be different if he just didn't want anything to do with 2 but that's obviously not the case. I know he's only young but it's unkind to make use of people when it suits and then ditch when it doesn't and that's exactly what 2 and his parents will think.

A or c.

I know MN wisdom is that A is unkind. However we've done it and I'm not sure I agree. Not inviting the "last 3" on DD's list, to avoid leaving only 4 girls uninvited, was a bad decision IMO. I don't think the 4 who were never going to be invited felt any better about it because 7 were not going rather than 4 - either they're hurt anyway because they personally are not invited, or they don't care because they're not friends with DD. However of the 3 who ended up crossed off the list, at least 2 were quite hurt. I think on balance more feelings were hurt than if we'd just gone with DD's list.

Obviously this is rampantly over-analysing a kids' party.

Thanks all. Will go with C - I thought that was right but wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing anything!

Anemone - I agree about the 1/2 rule sometimes not being the right way - and if it has been the whole group of 4 left out I actually wouldn’t have thought twice. In this situation I’m pretty sure the individuals / dynamics mean leaving more out is better.

Mitzi -I like you idea about encouraging the friendship but there’s 2 issues. BF is a really sociable and nice boy and happily plays with basically anyone - he’s actually mainly BFs with Boy2 because their families are very close rather than being a ‘twosome’ at school. Boy2 also gets into trouble a lot, not because he is ‘bad’ but just really impulsive and high energy! DS really tries to avoid situations at school where he could get into trouble so whilst he does enjoy playing together in a group sometimes, he’s very wary of spending too much time with him.

If you are going to boy2's party then yes he should be invited. Your son needs to realise you can't pick and choose when you are friends. Definitely jealousy at work and a good learning opportunity