Being “one of the boys”

[Jogrunwalksleep]

I’ve always had lots of men as friends and never used to mind but also had quite low self image and think being one of the boys suited me. But in recent years I’ve changed a lot - I’m more feminine, I’m tired of men putting me in the friend zone, and don’t like being being the only woman in a group of men anymore. It’s as if they forget I’m a woman and that makes me feel bad.

But - these men are my friends and I don’t want to lose them either.

Has anyone managed to change this dynamic? If so, how?

I was like this when I was younger. All my friends were boys, I found them much easier to understand and navigate (and I had a brother so it felt more natural anyway). In retrospect I didn't have a lot of self esteem, especially in relation to how I looked and felt in my own skin.

What changed (and what sounds like has changed for you) is that over time I found myself becoming more confident, self esteem growing and more comfortable with other girls. I had more confidence that I could navigate what I perceived to be "trickier" relationships with other women. I remember reading a few "self-help" type books that made me kind of wake up and think that I was a person worth knowing and so why wouldn't people want to be friends with me!

So I started in a concerted fashion making more female friends - and my male friends didn't mind a bit that they weren't hanging out with me so much, there is a lot of societal expectation that women and girls hang out together so it seemed natural that I was spending time with girlfriends. And we also all socialise together too, especially now many of us are couples with children!

Oh and if your male friends drop you just because you have made new female friends, I'd argue they weren't such great friends to start with.

Friends come in and out of your life at various different times, you can grow out/away from friends and that's absolutely ok as long as you are kind about it and don't ghost them. Just start seeing your male friends a little less and female friends a little more - or hang out all together!

That’s good advice.

It’s being put in the friend zone I hate, as well as the way they tend to talk about other women

OP I'm confused - are you saying that your existing male friends are putting you in the friend zone? Or is it the new men that you meet are putting you in the friend zone?

Are you indicating to any of them that you want something more than friendship? If its an existing friend, have you told them that your feelings towards them have changed?

Sorry for the confusion!

It’s both I suppose. It’s a role I’ve played since I was a teenager. I thought I was bad looking so settled for being the girl the guys talked to about other girls.

I’m more confident now and realised it was making me feel bad about myself though, which got worse when I developed feelings for one close friend and told him so and he just said he doesn’t see me that way which really stung. About a month later I got asked by same friend to his birthday; there were 7 of us there and I was the only woman. I’ve never felt so assexual in all my life, it made me realise how this dynamic does not serve me.

While I’d love for friend to change his mind it’s not that which is front of mind, I just don’t want to be that woman anymore.

Good for you op ! I have had that dynamic before due to working in male dominated environments and being a bit of a Tom boy. I just made more of an effort in meeting more women and grew out of being one of the boys. Took ages but now I would say I have many many female friends and also get in well with men

On well !! Not in them

I did have a crossover period where some women found me a bit ‘extra’ and I took a bit of a blow to my confidence but it’s partly about finding the right female friendships

Thanks 🙂 It’s a hard one. I don’t fancy most of my friends but the dynamic just doesn’t leave me feeling very good about myself.

Two of the blokes have invited me to a drink soon and I can’t decide whether going will be fun or make me feel bad