Do we consult rather than parent?

[latenightcakes]

Just been pondering this, are we asking our young children what they want, rather than just telling them ‘this is what you or we are doing’ ?Examples such as what sort of party do you want to have? Do you want to go to your swimming lesson? What snack selection would you like?
I’m sure years ago kids weren’t consulted so much and knew the boss was mum or dad.

I do a lot more asking / consulting than my parents but (at least at the moment) it’s what I hope are age appropriate choices within the bounds that are acceptable. I’d never ask DS if he wants to go to his swimming lesson for example because we’ve decided as parents that he will go. If he’s reluctant he might get a choice of which swim nappy he wants to wear, what snack he wants on the way there or if it’s convenient even which parent he wants to take him. The aim is to give him some measure of control over his life but without giving the responsibility of making choices he’s too young for and that are down to us as parents. Even snack selection, I’d only give him free choice if I was happy for him to have some of his Easter chocolate or a biscuit, if I felt he’d had too much junk already then he’d be given a choice like did he want and apple or a cracker and cheese.

I was at work today and my colleague called home before she left to ask what her four year old fancied for tea

He was on speaker and I heard him say 'I just drew a man made of spinach' so I'm not sure he was all that helpful.

We do consult too much. Or, some parents do!

Ugh. My husband does this with my teenager. Why. I don’t. And surprisingly he doesn’t walk all over me. But walks all over my husband.

I’ve never asked my dc if they wanted to go to their swimming lessons. It’s up to me to make sure they learn to swim. With team sports, I ask them at the start if the season if they want to do it or not and then that’s it. If you are doing it you are doing it.

I dis ask them about parties. In my day all parties were the same. Party games at your house and a birthday cake usually involving Cadbury’s chocolate fingers.

I think a balance of the 2 is necessary to raise critical thinkers who can advocate for themselves.

But no - swimming lesson isn't an option if they've asked for them and I'm paying. Discussion is up to be had if they are particularly tired etc. But then it's early night instead!
Things like wearing good shoes to muddy places or decent clothes to woods also aren't up for debate to allow 'freedom of choice/expression' or what ever it's is. I lay for them and they aren't getting ruined. Full stop!

Giving children some choices is a good thing imo, it helps them feel they have a voice and their opinions matter. Obviously they don’t get to decide on the bigger decisions or asked about things that they are too young to comprehend, but limited choices are the way to go imo. Simple things like water or milk, pirate or princess party, red or blue T-shirt, etc

I consult with my kids in an age appropriate way. My parents never did and I didn't relise that what wanted mattered until I was about 30 (and spent a lot of my 20s in a terrible marriage living in a country I didn't want to live in)

Well, it is age appropriate.
It is good to give dc some autonomy over their lives, but at an age appropriate level.
Like everyone else, I wouldn't have given them a choice of if they wanted to go to their swimming lesson or not - some things are non-negotiable (learning to swim) and some things (perhaps being part of a football team) are a commitment you have made - you can't just 'not turn up' one Saturday.
That said, from when they were very small they would get choices as appropriate..... eg "Time for bed now, do you want to walk upstairs or do you want a carry?"..... the important bit (that iti is bed time) is non-negotiable, but they still get a bit of a 'say' in their lives. then it grows from there.