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Original poster

18th birthday v GCSEs

33 replies

twosoups1972 · 25/04/2019 10:57

My oldest dd is turning 18 on the first bank holiday in May. She is away at boarding school a few hours away from home and has asked to go to a spa hotel for the weekend near school.

However 16 year old dd is doing GCSEs and her exams start very soon after this so doesn't want to go away overnight. So I have booked the hotel for me and dd1 from Sat - Mon and the plan is that dh and dd2 and dd3 will come up for the day on Sunday for a birthday lunch and then drive back again.

Dh isn't keen on driving back on the same day and he would like to see dd1 on the morning of her birthday. Also, dd2 isn't comfortable with staying at home alone overnight.

WWYD? I know dd2 is really stressed about her exams, we've had lots of tears etc so far, but it's dd1's 18th and I want to make it really nice for her and it seems a bit unfair for dh not to see dd on her actual birthday.

OP posts:
ssd · 25/04/2019 11:01

Hard one
Can you see if there's a spa places closer to your home and collect dd1 and take her there and dd2 and dad could see her on her birthday for lunch?

ssd · 25/04/2019 11:02

If dd2 is stressed I wouldn't add to her stress if you can

TeenTimesTwo · 25/04/2019 11:04

By 'a few hours away' I am going to assume you mean 4.

I would suggest,
either
DH and DD2 drive up Saturday evening eg 5-10 with a stop for evening meal and then home 3-8 Sunday, so only 1 day's revision lost.
or
You find a friend of DD2's who are willing to have her stay over for the nights.

You ask DD2 which she would prefer. Not fair to enforce so much driving and time away if she isn't willing.

Another option could be to find a different hotel closer to your home to cut down on driving time for DD2.

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16 year olds
lifetothefull · 25/04/2019 11:04

My dd's are this age. It's hard, but time off is also really important for DD2. I would try to encourage DD2 to go for one night.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 25/04/2019 11:06

ssd the other complication is that dd's school is bloody open on Bank Holiday Monday! They said because they have just gone back (term starts on 29th April), school and lessons will be going on as normal. That's why dd wanted the hotel near to school, she can miss a few lessons Monday morning but be back mid-morning so she doesn't miss too much. And in any case I've found a lovely hotel and the rates are much cheaper than where we live (London).

OP posts:
Original poster
twosoups1972 · 25/04/2019 11:08

life if we encourage dd2 to stay for one night, either Sat or Sun night, we run the risk of her getting stressed/upset and spoiling it for everyone.

OP posts:
ssd · 25/04/2019 11:09

I think compromise is the answer then. Dd1 and you do what you have planned, dad facetimes dd1 on her birthday but stays with dd2, and drives there and back with dd2 for the birthday lunch. Can they get trains and he won't need to drive?

MaddieElla · 25/04/2019 11:12

My daughter is also about to sit GCSEs and is also working her arse off.

I have actively taken her out of the house to get her mind off studying and it has helped to recharge her engines. Try to get over to your DD that a break will help her subconscious process all that revision she’s been doing.

I’d really be encouraging one night, but no longer.

titchy · 25/04/2019 11:13

If dd2 is stressed about her exams she's being pretty good at compromising a day's revision for her sister's birthday. Your dh therefore also needs to compromise. He'll see dd1 for her birthday lunch - surely he can miss out on being there when she wakes up in the morning? And suck up driving back.

Rosieposy4 · 25/04/2019 11:14

Doesn’t your oldest also have A level exams very soon?
Sat night stay only, no longer for everyone. Decent birthday trip for oldest but keeping the eyes on the main prizes of decent exam results for both.

SherlockSays · 25/04/2019 11:17

Can't DD2 still go and revise in the hotel? She doesn't have to partake in anything aside from the meal surely?

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 25/04/2019 11:18

rosie she is only doing one A Level this year.

maddie I really have been encouraging dd to do other things than revision. And she's been watching Netflix to relax.

OP posts:
FrolickingFroglets · 25/04/2019 11:26

How much of a fuss did you make over DD1's GCSE's? I ask as a younger sibling Wink
If nothing was allowed to disrupt her revision, then YWBU to disrupt DD2's.
But you could give her a choice.
Stay home alone.
Come and have a break.
Come but revise during the trip -leave sat pm, she has the morning, the drive. Then leave after lunch, she has the drive and evening to revise.

swimmerforlife · 25/04/2019 11:31

I think you should re-arrange your DD's 18 if I am honest.

I say that as someone who was born late May and always had to rearrange birthday at secondary and uni, I had birthday parties in early May or mid June! Sucks but tis the fact of life.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 25/04/2019 11:36

swimmer I did think about that and discussed with dd1 but she doesn't want to do that. She'll do something small and inexpensive with her close friends in July when everyone has finished exams, but she really wants to have a family celebration at the time of her birthday.

I have just had another idea - me and dd1 go to the hotel Saturday and stay overnight as planned. Dh and younger dds come up on Sunday, have birthday lunch. Then, I go home with dd2 Sun night so dh can also spend some time with dd1. It's a twin room.

OP posts:
ssd · 25/04/2019 12:05

Didn't I say that? Grin

ssd · 25/04/2019 12:07

Oh no I didn't say the last bitGrin
It sounds to me like not only are you trying to keep the girls happy, you're also having to indulge dh as well? He sounds a bit more work than your dds. Hopefully I'm wrong.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 25/04/2019 12:27

ssd yes you are wrong! Grin Dh is actually very easy going, he doesn't mind the arrangement at all, I think it's just me wanting to keep everyone happy!

OP posts:
ssd · 25/04/2019 16:21

Glad to hear itSmile
Typical mum, trying to keep everyone happy, I'm the same.
Hope you get it worked out.

MySecondBestBroomstick · 25/04/2019 16:33

I'm with FrolickingFroglets if I'm honest. This is all very much about what DD1 wants. I wonder if you'd have expected DD1 to have a night away for someone else's birthday a couple of weeks before her GCSEs started.

But as a boarder too, it would have been v unusual to have seen parents on my birthday, let alone expect siblings to compromise schoolwork for me.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 25/04/2019 17:34

Yes good point broomstick and froglets

Dd1 is very different and didn't work that hard for her GCSEs. I imagine if a similar situation had arisen, she would have been happy to go away for one night.

So maybe we stick with original plan - I go for 2 nights with dd1, dh comes up for the day on Sunday and dd2 comes up for the day if she wants to. Will talk to dd2 again to see what she is comfortable with.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 25/04/2019 17:40

Dd did her GCSES last year. A bit of a break over the bank holiday will do your dd good. We did decline a wedding invitation that would have necessitated staying over 2 nights during May half term but exams had actually started by that point.

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 27/04/2019 13:45

After all that, it looks like we will have to re-think the whole thing. Journey by car will take at least 2 hours, maybe more in bank holiday traffic so at least 4 hours in the car which dd2 quite understandably doesn't want to do. We originally thought dh and dd2 would come up by train but unfortunately they are doing engineering works that weekend and trains are being replaced by buses for some of the journey. Could take up to 4 hours by train including multiple changes Shock

Will talk to dd1 about her coming home instead and doing something down here.

OP posts:
ssd · 27/04/2019 15:39

Oh that's a shame, but best to realise it now rather than stuck in a jam.
Is meeting halfway a possibility?

Original poster
twosoups1972 · 27/04/2019 15:56

Is meeting halfway a possibility?

That is actually a very good idea. Will do some research. Thank you. It's next weekend so not sure they will even have availability.

OP posts: