I'm a middle aged woman, but cannot stand the idea of my parents dying

[AskingInInterest]

I feel terrible writing this as I know how lucky I am that both my parents are still alive at 70. Hope it doesn't upset anyone.

I'm finding it excruciatingly hard to watch my mum and dad age recently, and feel so bereft about them dying soonish that it's really interfering with life (e.g. being awake now!).
I have my own family, job, social circle etc.
But I feel like I still need them so much emotionally that I won't cope when they die.
They're not in great shape emotionally themselves as my sister died recently, and I think this has something to do with how I'm feeling.
Does anyone else feel the same? I just find the idea of life without them unbearable. How does anyone cope with this? I know if we're lucky we all have to, but how?
TIA, and I'm really sorry to all those who have lost parents already.

Do you think it's really about them dying or is it a subconscious "after them it's me next?"

Hi @Terramirabilis. Well, I suppose that could be buries in there somewhere, but it feels like it's about them - it's the thought of living on without them in my life that gets me.

*buried

You have had a huge loss from your sister I’m so sorry. It’s only natural that you will be feeling like this about your parents after your sisters death.

Thanks @Hollyandtheiveee. It has been (is) pretty awful about my sister (who was not yet 30). I suppose it's all related.

Yes I agree this is about your sisters death.
I have had a number of bereavements in the last two years and find myself looking at my loved ones and thinking who is next.
Bereavement is difficult. Be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry to hear about your sister. It is perfectly understandable that you are feeling particularly sensitised to the fear of further loss.

I am 50, and the elder of my parents is 85, and I still can’t contemplate that a day will come when one of them will die. (Well, cognitively I can, but emotionally it fills me with dread). That is the price we pay for love. I hope you can get some rest, and that you have many more good years with your parents in your life.

I’m so sorry about your sister, it’s so wonder you are having these thoughts

My dad died last year, prior to him becoming ill, I thought I couldn’t bear to lose him, I just couldn’t contemplate it. After his diagnosis (cancer) I went through a period of anticipatory grief and I think it helped me come to terms with his prognosis. His death was heart wrenching, but nowhere near as bad as I’d built it up to in my head. The grief is never ending, but it’s managable
Would some counselling be possible for you? It’s realy helped me address issues around mortality that were too painful to contemplate

I agree this is about your sister.

I am 38 and my mum died 4 weeks ago from bowel cancer aged 70. If you had asked me ten years ago if I could cope with my mum dying I would have said no - she had a cancer scare then and I remember vividly being so upset I thought I would never cope with it all. But I had a horrible marriage at the time, I didn’t have any support etc and was unwell myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am struggling with my mums death but it’s not as ground shakingly awful as I thought because I can see how unwell she was, she’s not in pain anymore and I’m in a better place myself emotionally.

I would try to enjoy your parents for now. Don’t worry about the future and as hard as it is you will find you will cope better than you think you will.

Seek counselling for your sisters death if you need to and work on your own life to make it as full and as happy as possible.

I don't have any answers, I lost my Dad suddenly to an aneurysm 6 years ago and I'm still as devastated today and it's still so surreal that you can be alive and fine one minute then dead instantly.

My Mum is 74 and apart from a few aches seems healthy but I regularly worry about life after she's gone, I'm happily married with 2 young children and have great friends but she's the last person who's known me since birth and I'll be alone once she's dead, living a life with strangers almost.

My parents are divorced so I have four parents, all in their seventies.

They are such wonderful support and company. My dad is the only man on this earth who loves me unconditionally, and my stepdad is the most knowledgeable, interesting, cultured person I've ever met in my life.

I actually don't think about them dying. I lost both my grans in the last five years so parents dying just feels alien. If I do allow myself to really think about the impact of losing them, I feel like you do. Utterly lost and heartbroken.

I know people who have lost parents at a much younger age though and while they've had to battle with greif their own way, all of them are happy and fulfilled in a world that doesn't contain their beloved parents.

Nature maybe makes it this way? We're all going to lose them.

It's the sort of thing that's hard to talk about, isn't it?

My mother died when I was 45 and my father when I was 30. I'm an only child and I don't have any family left apart from a cousin, who's older than me and has always been on poor health.

I miss my oarents although I had a tense relationship with my mother.

Daft as it sounds, I feel kind of invisible because there's no-one in my life with whom to share memories of my childhood.

I also worry that, as I get older, there'll be no-one to care about me. I've always been in excellent health but I wouldn't want to burden DD with my deteriorating old self.

I sound really self-absorbed

I totally think this is about losing your sister and it's understandable that the knowledge that you may lose your parents in the not too distant future will be on your mind.

My dad died 27 years ago at a young age, it was traumatic as we loved him dearly and still miss him but you do go on with your life at the same time. It's just tinged with sadness at all the parts of your life that he wasn't able to share, especially big occasions.
Do you have any other siblings?

You need to try not to worry about this to the extent that it interferes/spoils the time that they have left. They could live for another 20 years!

I was in my late 30s when I lost my dad and to be honest he was so poorly it was a relief when he did die. Obviously I miss him a lot but you do adapt.

Have you any other family, I know you said your sister died?

My mum has been NC with me for years so I feel like an orphan. I've got one brother who I see a couple of times a year and it's the feeling of being a bit rootless which I find hard.

So I focus on dd and my friends and work.

I'm very sorry to hear about your sister. I sometimes wonder if I'm having a bit of a mid life crisis as older relatives die and time passes. I can still remember some of these relatives in their late forties, my age now and now they've died of old age. Makes me realise that time goes so quickly and to make the most of it.

I'm quite detached physically and emotionally from other members of my family because unfortunately it's a dysfunctional family. So I'm used to being without them but I'm sad that in the time we had that relations were not better.

Going back to your original post about coping with this. Could you carve time out for yourself for exercise or doing something you enjoy? Sometimes if you are facing into a difficult time it's useful to have time out activities in place.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sister and understand your anxiety about your parents.

I am an only child and fear this too! My parents have started to become less independent in recent months & it worries me too.

I think it is ok to worry about the unknown and fear loss. As long as it is not all consuming.

Off to do school run now and will check in later

I can identify with Nico's feeling of being rootless.

I really feel for you.I lost both parents in my20's..id had a strange abusive relationship with one&a positive amazing relationship with the other.Unfortunately i was working in America when i called up over Xmas&got the awful news(in the days before mobile phones were common)I still mourn the loss quietly20 years on&would give anything to be able to have DParent my DC&mylife now.For me it had nothing to do with'me being next'&everything to do with it being an instant death of the person i loved most,butvi was much younger than you.Just cherish the time you have with them&make sure everyone knows how loved they are.Its the thought i held onto.

So sorry for the loss of your sister

How you're feeling is quite normal after a bereavement, especially if it was sudden and recent.
I lost my Dad unexpectedly a few years ago. It was a perfectly normal day and he was only 60. He had a massive heart attack whilst at work, an ambulance was called but he died a few minutes after arriving at hospital. By the time anyone managed to get hold of me, he was already dead and it haunted me for a long time. I was constantly on edge about death for months afterwards, I used to get really anxious that something would happen to my husband every time he went out of the front door. These feelings lessened over time but honestly, your brain does strange things to you when you've experienced a traumatic event.

Regina I'm sorry about your Dad. A friend of mine lost his mum suddenly and unexpectedly and he had much the same reaction as you - a lingering anxiety which passed eventually.

I think OP in our heads we are about 25 except with middle aged bodies. So it's very strange to have to confront the passage of time.

Cruse bereavement care is very good to talk about your fears.
I’m so sorry for your loss and that I think is what is triggering your fears which aren’t unfounded.

I lost my mum two years ago . She was 88 and had had dementia for many years
At first I felt enormous relief that she was free but 6 months later it hit me like a ton of bricks that I hadn’t grieved for the lovelynperson she was and had been.
I had a bit of a wobble yesterday actually.
Often when I feel unwell I remember how I would ring her up just to tell her.
I have a lovely husband who fills that role perfectly but I would still love to talk to my mum.

I find though that I catch myself acting like her, thinking like her, saying the things she did and her sister..my aunt. Miss them both so much.
The sad thing is we take our loved ones for granted so much of the time...we always expect them to be here and they won’t.

I’m clinging on as long as I can as I’m the last grandma.
It worries me when I ring my beautiful daughter and she goes...are you alright? Lol
I feel like saying, yes still here.
My dad was here one minute and gone the next so I know how hard that shock can be.
Here’s hoping your parents have lots of life and good health in them for many decades
They too must be feeling the loss of their daughter very acutely

Dowser my gran and my uncle George did that every morning! At 9am one would ring the other to check they were alive :)

Morning George
Morning Bet
You alive
Aye
You alive
Aye
Oh well
I suppose
Have a lovely day George
You too Bet

I ring my mum every day. I feel horrified at the thought of her not being there, although accepting that this is what will happen.

For it to be keeping you awake at night, I do think it's because you feel vulnerable at the moment.

So sorry to hear about your sister I think she is uppermost in your mind
OP my Dad dropped right in front of me when I was 20 and he was just 56, I tried and tried to help him but with all my training in cpr etc (beach lifeguard) I couldn't save him, apparently he was dead before he hit the ground. This was 18 years ago now and I still reprimand myself for not being able to save him but at present the guilt is not quite so bad and Mum and I carry on but I'm terrified of losing her as don't have any siblings. I think when somebody close has died everyone feels the same as you so I understand your anxiety

After someone close to you dies it's normal to fear the death of those around you. Death is painful and you can't prevent it and then the brain goes into overdrive, trying to grieve and mourn while coming to terms with its own mortality and the realisation that this is going to happen again.

As much as you may hate hearing this I'm sorry about your sister. I know how much you can grow to resent the I'm sorrys.

My dad died when I was a child, I'm in my mid 20's now and just coming to terms with it now. It never gets better or easier, you just learn to live with it and move on with your life. After my dad died I lived in fear of my mother dying as well. I used to sit and watch her sleep occasionally prodding her to check she was breathing.

Even now when I'm staying at home I go in to check on her at night. She always falls asleep with her glasses on so I go in and remove them and I can never help but check that she's still breathing. If my anxiety is bad then I check two or three times. When I'm not at home and it's bad on a night time I'll message her first thing in the morning telling her I was thinking about her and asking how she is.

I'm not an only child but I can't imagine not having her, we're incredibly close and I know that if anything happens to her it'll destroy me and my sisters and I'm not prepared for that. But I can't live in fear, I keep pressing on with my life and messaging and visiting her her the way that I do and pray to god that she's ok and for the strength to cope should anything happen to her.