Age gaps between children - thoughts please!

[Mississippilessly]

We have a 7 month old son. He is a poor sleeper and a high needs baby. We always planned on 2 children and despite how hard DS is we really do want a 2nd.
I will go back to work when DS is a year, I've gone from full time middle management to 3 days non management. The drop in pay is considerable. I am a teacher so it is worthwhile trying to plan when I get pregnant (although obviously it doesnt always work like that!)

We would hope to have a 2nd when DS turns 2. Our logic is get the baby and toddler stages done all in one go.

What are the age gaps for your children and would you recommend it?

22 months between my DSs. Don't know what I was thinking really, especially as my first was a nightmare baby who never slept, and an extremely 'busy' toddler. DS2 was a much more laid back baby so that made it slightly easier but not going to lie, those first few years were hard.

However, now I'm glad they are close in age as although they are very different temperaments they are interested in the same things and have friends in common. As they've grown up I think it has been easier for us to find activities and days out that they will both enjoy rather than trying to find a middle ground between two very different age groups.

I have 22 months between my two youngest, the baby stage was easy it was when my youngest started walking and refusing the Pram it got hard. I'm now with a nearly 3 and nearly 5 year old and they play relatively well together I feel I'm coming out the other side now.

I have a 2y gap and a 4y gap. The 2y gap was vastly easier than the 4y gap, because both dc were in nappies, having early bedtimes and napping during the day. There was one braindead period when they were out-of-sync with each other for about 4m in the middle of dc2's first year.

The 4y gap was much tougher because of having to wedge dc3 into dcs1&2's needs - getting to school and pre-school on time, for example. I think that's one reason why dcs1&2 would nap pretty much anywhere, whereas dc3 would only nap in a moving buggy or car.

Having two in nappies at the same time is vastly easier than trying to toilet-train a toddler while baby-juggling. The expense can be mitigated by using washables or a washables nappy service.

As for there relationship, they have different relationships with each sibling at different ages. I do not believe think age gaps are particularly relevant to sibling relationships, more how the parents manage them to ensure that each child feels loved and valued.

Re "high needs baby"...they all are. And none of them are good sleepers at 7 months. That's just the way it is...unless there are actually special needs...ALL babies are high needs.

What a load of nonsense. My DS slept well from birth and went 12 hours+ at 7 months old.

They're not 'all high needs'.

Stop downplaying OP's experience

2.5 years between first and second, 2 years between second and third. I’d say 2.5 years was more manageable - little things like the 3 year funding starting whilst on maternity leave and being able to leave a 2.5 year old watching TV on their own for 15 mins while I have a shower etc ... just less intense than having a 2 year old alongside a newborn. They all get along well, that doesn’t seem to be any different.

There’s 17 months between my oldest 2. There’s 16 years between my oldest and youngest!

I found going from 0-1 kids was harder than going from 1-2. There was a small gap between my oldest 2, so the younger one just had to fit into the routine I already had for my 17 month old. They were very close though and only one academic year difference at school. They’re teenagers now and still get on well.

I'm another with a 2 year gap, almost to the day.

I can't think of any downsides, dd1 was old enough at 2 to understand the concept of having a baby sister so was careful and helped a little bit, she didn't feel put out by being restricted with the places we could go.
She was at an age where she loved toddler groups and so I got a few hours each week to sit with the baby while she could run around safely.

They're now 4 and 6 and get on great, they're into the same things, can play with each others friends in a group and it's easy to plan days out and holidays because they'll both enjoy it.

I love the gap between our two, just under 2 years. My son was 2 when my daughter was born and was not old enough to be very jealous and got used to her really quickly. They are now 1 and 3 and love playing together. I can take them to the same activities and they both enjoy largely the same sort of thing.

Out circumstances are quite different though and I have friends with different age gaps who think they are equally good.

I have 3 kids 16, 14 and 1 the age gap between my big ones is 2 and half years and then obliviously 13 years between the middle and youngest kids. The gap with the eldest 2 was lovely

Ive got 6 years between ds1 and 2, and then less than a year between ds2 and dd.

In the beginning, the larger age gap was much easier, and the smaller age gap was a nightmare, but as theyve got older, id say the smaller age gap is much better, as my 18 year old is constantly irritated by the little ones, but the 11 and 12 year old are really easy to do things with and they play together (they do argue too), but the bigger age gap now can be tricky as theyre at completely different stages

Brilliant, thanks all!

Yes we will definitely need to get DS sorted first, we are woken up multiple times a night and if I had a newborn who woke up at different times.. it doesnt bear thinking about!
DH absolutely pulls his weight but I try to do most of the night stuff, partly because DS settles better for me and partly because DH's job is very full on!

I could see us looking at nannies if we had 2 close together. The costs dont seem wildly different to paying a childminder for two. Or I could give up work completely.

You've given me courage that it's not a completely bats idea. Obviously however it happens people manage but it would have been good to know if people said 'our 2nd was an accident and it was too close together'.

We could try for an April baby so there would be 19 months but I'm waiting for my timetable and if I got exam classes I wouldn't be comfortable leaving work at Easter just when they need stability.

I would say make sure your eldest is sleeping through before having another. I wouldn't have considered it otherwise.

Do you mean before getting pregnant, or before the second baby is born? 9 months is a long time for a poorly sleeping baby to grow out of that phase.

Thanks hoponby - I certainly wasn't trying to suggest my baby was particularly special but right now we are on holiday and I am in the room with a sleeping DS on me. Outside i can see a family with a baby happily napping in the pram while they are all in the pool.

I feel like the universe owes me an easier one!!!

2 years and 3 months between mine so dc2 conceived when dc1 was 18 months. The first year was better than expected as babies don't do much and sleep a lot so I could still give dc1 lots of attention. After dc2 turned 1 there were more probs in terms of jealousy and fighting but it coincided with dc1 starting preschool so it worked out well. I'm glad I had them fairly close together because when they're not fighting they play nicely and also enjoy the same kinds of activities.

17 months here, the aim was a closer gap as I was pretty broody from when DC1 was 5 months. I first felt DC2 kick on our eldest first birthday.

First six months was a doddle, then DC2 got mobile .

8 & 9 now, and I am still glad we had them close although there's pluses and minuses to every age gap.

A year between my first 2.Then 13 years between eldesr and younger
Then i had 3 in 3 and a half years.I wont lie,the school run was hell for a few years.I felt like a yo yo.
But now they are 11,9 and nearly 8.Its a bit easier.They play together.The only trouble is when 2 gang up against the other one

My dc1 and dc2 are exactly 2years. Dc1 was a demanding young for age toddler, it was hard especially trying to breastfeed, so I would say first 8 weeks torture, then it got a bit easier, then by 4 months easier again... by 8 months it was hard but manageable. Now they are soon turning 2 and 4 and it’s amazing, it got good from 1 and 3 when they started to play together. They are so close, into the same things, help eachother eg confidence and teach one another things, I bath them together, feed same things and same time. I’m glad I did it this way. I do think you can’t enjoy the first 6 months as much as how you probably did for baby 1 or if you wait another 6months but I think in the long run it’s worth it. Now I feel i was out of the stage we can do parks and soft play, more weekend things and they always like the same things and can grow together. However I’m now expecting no3 and it would make the age gap 2.5 and 4.5 so back to the baby bag lol.

Pros and cons for large and small. There are nearly 9 years between ours. Big advantages, and it’s absolutely lovely now that our youngest is doing GCSEs and oldest is 25. He doesn’t always want to talk to us about things but has another adult he can really relate to. They’re closer now than ever.
Most of our friends had little ones much closer together, a couple of families had 3 and 4 under 5s respectively. Biggest downside I could see was the adults were always exhausted, never got a moment to themselves and often worried they weren’t giving the children enough individual attention. Money was tighter for them too and as they got older trying to please everyone during family holidays could be a nightmare. The upsides were, life was never dull, the children were never bored or lonely and mostly formed good, strong bonds.
That bonding did take longer with ours but it’s really strong now. I never felt like I was giving one individual attention to the detriment of the other, I got to devote all day individually to both of them, our second child got all of the time our first did because of course first was at school all day by the time he came along.
Swings and roundabouts. The most important thing is that they’re valued as individuals, whatever the gap.

There is 4.5 years between my eldest and youngest and I’ve got another one right in the middle. For us, the age gap has worked really well. I wouldn’t have wanted them to be anymore spaced out (but I’m aware we were lucky and it is very difficult to plan these things with any reliability), as they get a bit older and you want to be doing things as a family, days out/cinema/theatre trips, I want them all to be involved in that kind of thing together and I think the bigger the gaps the harder that is to achieve. (Not impossible, just harder).

We are also coming out the other side of ‘the primary school years’. It’s been really tough at times, but I don’t think it would have been easier having it more spread out, it would just have prolonged it.

The dc are really close, have a fantastic bond and get on really well, which is great.

My middle child was a ’high needs baby’ but by the time dc3 was born, he was a bit better and luckily dc3 was relatively easy so it was ok. Having 3dc is always going to be tiring, so I just accepted it.

I would say make sure your eldest is sleeping through before having another. I wouldn't have considered it otherwise

Not necessarily. My dc2 slept great from day 1 and then got bad through teething, then a clingy stage and now is okay again. Dc1 is still a bad sleeper and nearly 4 so some kids are just like that and you can’t wait forever. If anything now they sleep together and it makes dc1 understand it’s time for the ‘children’ to sleep. You’re going to be up with baby anyway so doesn’t make much difference if older one isn’t sleeping through

18 months between mine. I'd have had a third with a similar gap, but my age and our bank account meant it wasn't really doable!

The first year was a cluster fuck. The second a mere shitstorm. DS2 will be 3 soon and I swear it's getting less difficult as every month goes by They're starting to play together now and they like the same tv programmes and activities. The big issue is having to buy 2 of everything to stop the fights

We have just over 12 months between DC1 and DC2. DC3 due later this year and we'll have 3 under 3.

I couldn't possibly imagine having big age gaps, purely because I've always viewed it as I wouldn't want my first child to be at school, sleeping perfectly, a bit of 'normal' life starting to resume, to then go right back to the baby stage of nappies and teething and sleepless nights.

That being said, there are pros and cons to both small and large gaps, it's just figuring out what you think will work best for you and your family.

20 months and its worked really well for us. They are currently 6&7 and very good friends. They squabble obviously, but soon make up. I found two easier than one after a few weeks... Despite neither believing in sleep.

Just under 2 years gap here. I'll not lie it's been incredibly full on and constant hard work but it's just starting to pay off in that they play well together and entertain each other. Going to soft play or park is good as they want to do similar things. They share toys and books. Clothes go off one straight onto the other so it's quite economical. It also saves me having to store baby things and then get them out months/ years later.

My friend's with a bigger age gap 3+ years seem to have a much less hectic time and more time to spend with their newborns. I was a bit envious at times and have had moments I wished I had waited a bit for number 2. I think overall it's worked out for the best. I feel like I'm emerging from the baby/ toddler phase and getting parts of my life back while I'm still relatively young rather than going back to the exhaustion of the early baby stuff.

My cousin has a 6 year old and they are now expecting, twins. I feel so sorry for their little girl. I think having all your is within a few years of each other is a lot kinder on them. Or waiting till theirs a huge space, like 18 years or so haha. I guess it depends on what you feel you can handle though.