I'm Pregnant with my abusive Ex's Baby and I've met someone new how do I tell him I'm pregnant?

[VixthePixie]

I'm 23, and pregnant with my Ex's baby. In the entirety of our 4 and a half year long relationship all he ever did was abuse me, accuse me of cheating, lie to me about his own cheating, disrespect me and try to control me. I never did anything to him to deserve that. I was always honest and all I ever did was care for him, try to get him to be more responsible instead of just wasting his life on pot and never doing anything to better himself or even try to communicate effectively. He is 28, impossible to approach on anything serious and never was understanding. I went to bed one night and when I woke up I found out he had unprotected sex with me while I was asleep even though I told him before I had fallen asleep that we weren't having sex that night. We had our biggest fight over that because he didn't understand why it wasn't morally right and how it was rape. I left him that day and never looked back. 3 months later I found out I was pregnant despite having been on the patch at the time. I found out so late because I was used to not having my period for months on end without being pregnant (my doctors agreed it was always due to excessive stress possibly related to my having lost my mom at the age of 15). I told my Ex just to give him the chance to try to be a better person and take reaponsibility for what he did. He has always been all talk though; just empty promises and never backed anything up with actions. He wanted me to abort. I told him no, that it was my decision and haven't talked to him since. I finally met a new partner and I'm now 5 months pregnant. I can't expect my new man to take care of my child, I would honestly like some advice on the best way to break it to him considering no matter how I say it; it is a big deal and I want it to come across the best way I can. Him and I have already been intimate because I was going to tell him on last saturday but found out it was his birthday and felt that if I told him then I would ruin his birthday with this heavy baggage. I am choosing to keep my baby boy considering even though it was a terrible reason as to how I got pregnant, I've already had a miscarraige and feel adoption or termination would go against me as a person considering I've always wanted to have kids anyways and have fertility problems. I'm always prepared for the worst like: him telling me that he can't see me anymore; but I want to express to him that I also don't expect him to be the dad however if he wants to be apart of it he can be. My new man is chivalrous (it's not dead ladies I promise; just nearly dead) in nearly every respect and makes me smile and laugh so much that the muscles in my face hurt. I just want to tell him what happened without stressing him out or making him feel obligated, any suggestions?

Hi OP.

I’m sorry for what you have been through. How long have you been dating this new man? I’m guessing not very long. I would be very cautious. You are likely to be very vulnerable which only increases with pregnancy added on top.

Have you done the freedom programme? If you genuinely do see a future with this person, you do need to tell him you are pregnant but be prepared that he might say he can’t do this, don’t allow him to put any conditions on staying with you - ie “we can only be together if I am named as the father/you don’t let ex see the child etc”.

Please make sure you look after yourself.

A difficult one.

First of all, well done for dumping the ex and moving on. You sound strong and upbeat.

But it’s a tricky situation as he might be pisses off that you didn’t tell him you were pregnant right from the get go.

I suppose you could say that you haven’t told anyone that you were pregnant in case you miscarried, but that’s usually in the first three months and you’re 5 months in.

Well you have to be honest and say why you were apprehensive about not telling him when you first met.

Maybe you weren’t sure if he likes you and would want to keep seeing you and now you realise what a good thing you have between you so you need now to come clean.

Good luck.

I think you need to tell him (your boyfriend) as soon as possible but you need to also consider if this is the right time to be getting into another relationship - there is nothing wrong with taking things slow instead of rushing into things headfirst. I don't think you've treated him particularly well by lying about this for so long.

Honestly? I think you should give yourself more time to get over your previous relationship and time to deal with your pregnancy. You only found out you were pregnant a few weeks ago and have went headlong into a new relationship?

You said you had “finally” met someone but it had only been a few weeks. What’s the rush?

I echo the PPs saying you’re not in the best place to meet someone new. You’re very vulnerable and I think the freedom programme would be useful for you. Good luck.

You are 23 and have been with your ex since you were 19. Have you considered not having a boyfriend for a while? It seems really fast to move on and bring a new man you hardly know into your baby's life, Yes, he seems wonderful now, but I bet your ex did at the start. I think you step back and concentrate on you and your child. You are young, men are abundant, there really is no hurry.

I agree with the PPs. You need some time for you, to recover from your ex. Now is not the time to be rushing into another relationship.

You need time fo find out why you put up with your ex for so long, so that you don't make the same mistakes, which I think you will do again.

Well done to you, first of all. You sound like a strong woman.
Tell him, but you can say you’ve just found out, or that you were in shock. But be prepared for him to walk.
Whatever happens, enjoy your lovely baby. And if you need to, you absolutely can do this on your own.

PS. Don’t put shit ex’s name on the birth certificate, whatever you do.