Moving back to UK... tips to support 11yr old

[SantanaBinLorry]

We will be moving back to the UK this summer after 7 years in Spain.
Two kids aged 7 & just turned 11.
I have no real concerns about the youngest fitting in at school (although obviously aware he will need support and guidence etc)

But, my 11 year old is a funny little cookie. He's sweet and kind and generally an all round nice kid. He's had a pre-asesment for aspergers at school here & we'll continue to aim for diagnosis once we return.

Hes incredibly sociable, not in the least bit shy and definatly falls in to the catergory of nerd/geek - which is fine, nothing to be ashamed of (the geeks shall inherit the earth ;) ) Im sure he will find friends and his people in time.

Im just a little concerned hes a little out of touch with britsh culture. Where we live now is quiet and small and hes had a fairly sheltered life with freedoms he wouldt be able to have in the UK. He would have had another year at primary school here but will be going straight into high school when we return.
We kinda need to fast track him a bit!
A bit of advice please... what are 11yr olds into? Obviously we arent going to 'change' him... but dont want him to be completely in the dark culturally.

Things we've though of already :

Watch all the Marvel films (not done this so far as Cinema is a pita to get to & younger bro not really into it)

Internet use and saftey - hes not on social media, but uses Whatsapp to message friensds and family (i've heard some horror stories form friends with kids the same age in the UK, there just doest seem to be the possible 'bullying' culture here. I know we need to be really on top of this.

Clothing & shoes... he'll have good stuff. Hes got his own cool skater boy style, his mates here are more footy kit, the diffences have never been an issue. And everone wears shorts and flip flops most of the year. I was definatly a 'meff' at school and hated no having at least some fashion items.

What else?? Bit nervous for him, dont want him to get eaten alive in a much bigger town and going into high school a year earlier than expected.

Both boys will be supported emotionally, we know its going to be a tough move. We'll be closer to family which will be great. I just want to do whatever I can to help him fit in.

TIA.

He will have the advantage that everyone is changing school, although some will move with peers they already know - other won’t and no one will know he is new to the country student

Tell your ds to pick his friends wisely

Get him into some clubs, so he can mix with kids who share his interests.

Will he have the chance to go to a taster session at the school before he starts? A lot of friendships can form before school even starts when they are separated into their tutor groups.

Well it's good to move at a natural time for changing schools as your DS will then be minimally disadvantaged in terms of friends and fitting in. Many of the DC he goes to his secondary school with will be in a similar position and won't really know anyone (I'm assuming as you mention a big school in decent sized town). Also, British kids are a varied bunch - not all will be 'cool' kids who will immediately fit in.

In terms of British culture (or the lack of it!), I have an 11-year-old boy and he's very into playing Fortnite online with his friends, rugby and football. He likes the Avengers films, has a silly sense of humour, likes getting outside and walking, particularly with a dog, has read the Alex Rider books and loved them and has zero interest in clothes/shoes. He's very much a jeans, polo shirt and trainers sort of kid.

Is your son sporty? If so, I'd look to join a local rugby or football club as this can be a good way to meet and socialise with other kids/families outside school. Is he into drama or music? Both of those can also be good ways to find a 'tribe' of other like-minded souls.

Try not to worry. It will be a big change for all of you, particularly for your DC, but hopefully if the support is there he will muddle through and come out the other side. Moving to secondary is a big deal for all kids, so he won't be the only one dealing with a big transition this Sept.

You sound like a lovely supportive mum. Don't worry 11 year old boys come in all shapes and sizes here too. My 11 year old is not into footy but can play FIFA (PS4) to fit in with his peers. Make sure he knows what Fortnite is....but my son is bored with it now. Not all kids have social media.... knowing WhatsApp is enough. The kids talk online through games machines when playing together. My son likes Jackie Chan films, reading, he plays hockey. He is just starting to get into clothes and has just got his first Adidas top (I fear I've bought the wrong one as it doesn't have the 3 stripes...but he's happy). My son goes to scouts and loves it. This might be good for your son as on camp they have quite a lot of freedom. He has read all the popular fiction....Alex rider, David Walliams etc etc He loves history and knows more than me about British monachs. He will only know 3 boys in an intake of about 300 at his school. Lots of kids will be in the same boat. Good luck.

My 2nd daughter is 11.5 - she loves Marvel, we have tickets for the new film on Thu morning and she hasn't been able to sleep for a week! Brooklyn 99, Stranger Things, Umbrella Academy are her fascinations at the minute. She is in the middle of reading offshoots of the Percy Jackson books but I'm trying to move her away from series of books and towards one off standalone novels.

She has no interest in sport but would sell her soul for music. Spotify is the love of her life - all types of music from very recent music to 70s one hit wonders. A lot of the boys in her class are exactly the same. She doesn't have that much interest in clothes - mainly jeans and movie tshirts but she has began to covet her older sisters Vans. She has had a mobile phone for about 18 months and has two WhatsApp groups on it.

My daughter transferred in mid-Y7 and for her, the main things to deal with the culture shock and meeting new people involved easily overlooked things. A big one was transport - most of her new friends are people who take the same bus home even when they aren't in the same house/form or set or activities.

I found that, at the start, it was really useful for my daughter to use the learning support room before school a few times to get explanations on things that she hadn't done before - certain learning sites that apparently everyone else had been using for years or certain types of homework or things at school. The application paperwork had a space for pertinent information and I found that alongside an email explaining the situation in more detail after she was sent home with work neither of us knew what to do with that it was mostly sorted.

I agree with the internet safety and considering the possibility that WhatsApp and such may not be appropriate or used by his classmates when returning. My daughter's school really emphasizes to parents the drama these cause and the age requirements that an 11-year-old isn't going to meet so plenty are using them, but plenty also just text and call. Getting a good possibly family phone deal might save a lot of frustration with that either way, we're working on that now after a few too many 'I've run out of credits...'.

While it may be fun, I don't get the point of seeing all the Marvel movies. My oldest has seen a few as my very-geek-kid, but it's not really a big thing, plenty haven't seen them. They're not really British culture or even what all the geek kids are watching or doing. Even Fortnite is fading and plenty of kids never got into it. Minecraft seems to be having a mini-resurgence here at the moment with the latest update, but each group seems to have their things which makes it hard. With media as it is today, I'm not sure there what could be recommended.

I have an 11yr old geek. Any chance you're moving near us?

He's into building replica Lego cars. He tries to recreate a particular car out of Lego. He likes making models of cartoon characters out of Fimo clay.
Most of the kids his age like football and Fortnite. He knows enough about these things to join in a conversation when he wants to. I know exactly what you mean about wanting them to be able to fit in without changing who they are. Fit in is maybe the wrong word, but make the odd social connection now and again, even if it's fleeting.
Football and Fortnite I would say are the main things in our school.

Following, because we are doing similar this summer with 8 and 10 yr olds.

I'm actually more concerned about me!!! I'm not convinced I can talk about normal things any more!!! And for sure, my popular culture is half a decade behind....

I would second/third getting both children enrolled in clubs outside of school. It gives them a good mix of friends rather than having their eggs all in one basket in the school class. Scouts/Cubs/Beavers (depending on age) are good. Other things to consider are St John's Ambulance and other cadet organisations (e.g. Army/Police cadets). Sports/drama/dance clubs. Anything really. Uniforms for groups can be picked up on eBay etc (we got all of DD's brownie uniform from eBay and just bought the hoodie new so we could sew the badges on).

Also, check out after school clubs, particularly for the youngest who is presumably entering Primary School. Ours has a good mix of clubs and they get to know more children in the school too, which is helpful at playtimes.

Inviting kids over is also good. They get to know each other 1-on-1 which is sometimes helpful for them. It can be hard work though. I tend to invite kids and suck up the cost of going somewhere (e.g. a local zoo, ours is close by and fairly reasonably priced), so we don't have the games/internet/device issue (but DD is a little younger than your oldest). Plus they get to chat to each other and have some fun together.

Also check out libraries for code clubs and lego clubs. Some of the larger ones have after school term-time groups that meet.

@sunshinespring I haven't lived abroad and due to always running around after the kids my popular culture is that far behind too... 😂 Just know it's all the same drivel on TV, politics haven't moved forward and nor has my fashion sense! You'll be ok as will your kids.

Thanks, @user1474894224!

I've just moved over here with a 12 and 14 year old.

We've actually found the kids to be very open and welcoming - interested in a new ace from a different place!

My advice, possibly going slightly against the grain, is take things one step at a time. I wouldn't rush to enrol them in extra-curriculars, because it's pretty exhausting, both mentally and physically, for the kids to adjust to a new country, new people, new school, new curriculum. For several weeks, my two got home and just wanted to hole up in their caves, usually having an afternoon doze.

Be very open to them having friends around, and make sure you have yummy snacks in - that seems to help loads! We also got a kitten, which was great for the kids to have something/someone to cuddle up with after a bad day - it also was a bit of a draw card for some potential friends to come home to see the new kitten.

We haven't had any issues with bullying, on the internet or otherwise. Apparently a few of the girls were a bit hostile to my eldest when she first entered the school, but she's got a really good friend group now. In fact they both have.

It is a bit hard going from a primary straight into a high school, but so long as they're given the support, they adjust. Just make sure they know they can express homesickness, grief, and anger, when they're having a bad day.

Sorry, this is a bit garbled. I've currently got five kids on the go here, and a suicidal kitten!

Good luck!

Oh, one other thing - we've found it useful to organise tuition to help find and cover the differences in curriculum, it's really boosted their confidence.

Thanks all, some things to consider for sure.

We'll be getting them a tutor as they have been taught from day one in Catalan, so they are certainly behind with their written English. Although I dont have concerns about them being accidemically behind - the curriculum here seems to be slightly more advaced than the UK. They are definatly covering subjects that I didnt do til high school and friends back home say the science for example is way ahead of what their kids do. How these classes will be delivered will be different so using the learing support centre at the school will be a given. We'll support them as much as we can educationally.

implantsandaDyson Yikes! This is the kinda of thing im concerned about. The shows you mention, in my mind are adult shows, cant imagine allowing him to watch them just yet
Also, he's so far not be allowed to game on line. And Ive steered away from fornight. He can, unchecked, become obsessive. So I can imagine him being totally sucked into it, abandoning other interests.
Looks like I might have to loosen the reigns on this one!
He's a huge Minecraft fan (again I have to steer him away from this occaionally if hes abondoning other interests) The school he's going to has a MC after school club, so he'll probably be interested in that.

He has in the past done breakdancing classes and he was really quite good. So we'll look into that for him. Not 'Street Dance' though - "ITS NOT THE SAME THING MUM - DUR"

He plays FiFa on the playstation, but cant kick a ball to save his life. I think he'd probably enjoy drama etc. Something he not had opportunity to do here.

He and his brother are very close and watch/enjoy the same things, (except Dr Who!) so its never really been possible for him to watch slightly older stuff, he hasnt been bothered by this so far. I'll think about them having seperate TV times so he can maybe get stuck into some different shows.

The youngest will be very into the idea of scouts/forrest school. And he's certaily more sporty. I think he'd benefit from team games/competition, again not something he's experienced here.

They both would like to learn an instrument. The eldest plays a little guitar. Im sure they'll get the opportunity to try this out at school.

Im more than happy to have a house full of the kids friends (sucker!) so will encourage that. And we are hoping to get a dog that they have been asking for for years.

I think we'll take on the extra curriculars slowly, the move and new school will be exhauting for them i'm sure.
We'll contine to encourage them to explore and express their emotions. They've always been quite open like this, so hopefully that will continue. Puberty sneeking in has meant the eldest has been a bit out of sorts with his emotions, but hes been pretty good so far in saying he feels a bit weird and doesnt know why, a little tearful at times. But im being gentle with him and allowing him his own space when he needs it.

Arrgggh, I suppose im probably over thinking a lot of things, and they'll be fine in the long run. Its been a quick decision & obviously we'd have prefared more time to prepare, but it is what it is. We'll all have to adjust.

@flitwit99 North Wales/Northwest Boarder, any good to you? Which has reminded me I should checkout Mumsnet Local. Ive been quite isolated here really, so im looking forward to meeting some new friends myself.

@SunshineSpring good luck! Scary isn't it!

Thanks again everyone. My mind is a little more at ease.

Bold fail @implantsandaDyson

& apols for typos... sticky keyboard & nit duty - Joy!

He sounds very like my 11y old and his friends who will be starting Secondary school in September so I wouldn't worry unduly, especially as you are doing the right thing and moving him at a natural juncture. They all make new friends in Y7 anyway. My parents moved me under similar circumstances when I was a kid but for some stupid reason did it half way through year 8, which was torturous.

Also, he's so far not be allowed to game on line. And Ive steered away from fornight. He can, unchecked, become obsessive. So I can imagine him being totally sucked into it, abandoning other interests.
Looks like I might have to loosen the reigns on this one!

I honestly wouldn't. I rue the day we allowed our DS onto Fortnite and yes, he has abandoned many other interests to yell at his friends while killing strangers online.

As for the more adult TV shows, try not to panic about this stuff right now. Move over here. Let him start school and get settled in. You can tackle issues of which shows he wants to watch in due course. But don't feel that he's going to be a social failure if you don't allow him to watch things before he starts at a British school. Not all kids at all schools are into the same things. Take a deep breath and take it as it comes.

My DD is year 6 and due to start year 7 in September where none of primary friends are going so hoping there'll be some in a similar position. DD and my younger DS are big marvel fans but it's not everyone's thing. Lots of DC don't watch regular TV but will follow YouTubers instead, particularly if into gaming. You might (probably) will have heard of DanTDM, who is still very popular with my DC. My DD plays Fortnite occasionally, it's not as addictive for her as I feared and she likes gaming, she spends lots of time copying the dances! Both my DC use Roblox, the main attraction being that they use it as a communication tool with their school friends as no phones just yet so it serves as an introduction to social media I guess. We're in the SE and preteen fashion at the moment seems to be predominantly sports wear, seems like we've gone back to the 90s DD likes this as she is more sporty than girly. I supervise my DC using YouTube (they use the main TV for watching which I'll keep an eye on for content) and Roblox (I check their messages every now and again). We listen to the radio on school runs in the car so they keep up to date with the latest songs (and me!). Neither of my DC take any technology to bed so all there is to do before bed is read! Hopefully your ds can make the induction days. Is it a diverse area you're moving to? He probably wouldn't be out of place at all in our town as there's people from all over.

My son is the eldest of 3 - I've also made a point recently of giving him a later bedtime so he can watch some more 'grown up' TV. We've enjoyed top gear, race around the world (although there is a little fruity language) and he's watched a few things with dad too.

Thank all. Definatly some things to think on. I think we'll take a wait and see approach wrt Fortnite/online gaming etc. See what friends he makes and what they are into and take it from there.

We havent has 'proper' TV here for a while. just dowloads, DVD's and youtube (monitered closely) Eldest is into Unspeakable, I imagine DanDTM is just as annoying .
Im sure we'll find some family shows we can watch with him once we get a TV package.

He's had a Iphone for about a year now, a gift from a family member, I wanted to hold off for a while, but ho-hum.
No Tech is allowed in the bedrooms & he knows that the conditions of him having it at all is that I check messages and what hes been watching/playing every couple of days - so far u no problems.

Good idea to listen to the radio, we have music on all the time at home, but not the radio/popular/current music. We'll also get him a Spotify account (and some headphones [wink[)

Quite excited about the move now. I suppose I was panicing as you only ever really hear about the worst of things. Of course kids are kids the world over and day to day is uneventful for most families.
Im sure they will both be fine after a period of adjustment.

Thank again.

Am also in same boat OP, my DS are same ages as yours but my eldest would be finishing primary school in September 2019, while my youngest DS would be starting Y3 junior school.

I'm also feeling quite nervous about moving back to the UK. They love their school here in the UAE which makes it harder. My only comfort is that they are still young and will probably adjust back faster than me (fingers crossed)!

Did you manage to get school places allocated to your DC while applying from abroad? My LA has informed me I can't apply until I have moved back and have a UK address.

I'm really hoping I get a chance to visit the schools once we move back in July before the schools close for summer break, but we might not make it in time. We still need to figure out where to rent too. Was hoping my DC could also then visit their schools so that we wouldn't be all nervous during all summer, but it's not looking likely that will happen.

I shouldn't try to create interests (ie watching Marvel films) just because you think it may be the 'trendy' thing. All 11 year olds are different and they will all be new to Year 7 so I think your son should just carry on with whatever interests he has now and evolve them when he is back in the UK. He shouldn't have to 'fake' interest to fit in. I would recommend reading books in English to practice though but I expect the popular books (Harry Potter, Alex Rider etc) are just as popular in Spain as they are in the UK so I expect he has heard of /read them already.

@lul37
@bookmum08

Yikes, sorry, I didnt see your replies here... didint show up on mobile app.

The Marvel film was 11yr olds idea... he want to catch up so he can start seeing the newer films at the cinema once we're back. Thre is no local cinema here, so hes missed out on a lot.
(we're up to Thor... still afair few to go!)

Alex Rider has popped up a few times now, so will pick up a few as soon as we're back )english books are sooo expensive here)

WRT school places... I beleive the order goes. - Contact HMRC with new address/info that you have returned to UK, when they confirm you can use that to start applying for school places.
We've chosen to return to a town where there is only one choice of high school... so we know what we'll be getting! If it really doesnt work for him, we'll move him to a school on the outskirts of town/next town. But that would mean bus travel & we'd prefare him to be bikable.
Obviously the addmissions process is over for most (a friend works at our local addmissions office - and although strings can not be pulled, they tell us a late addmission such as ours would mean it would be a project for someone at the office & we are likely to get great service/help) Ive also been told that a primary school place must be no more than 15 mins walking distance from where you live & the \LA with strive to make this happen.
So, we'll be looking for rentals in catchments of schools practical for work/transport/proximity to family.

We too are hoping to visit school before they break up for the summer. I supose it all depends on where you're heading back to & how many schools you'd like to see. But again, I've been led to believe that everyone at admissions will be super helpful - its their job to find a place for your kid.

GOod luck!