We expect woman to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they didn’t work

[Lardlizard]

Heard this saying recently and Wonder what you thought to it

IME it is true but different people will have different experiences. I am a lot happier now that I have accepted that I can't have it all at the same time. DS will only be 'little' for another 10 years so am spending that time doing a school hours term time only job. Will worry about a career after that, after all I will still have around 20 years left in work.

Yes, although I think you could substitute the word Women with People as men are expected to work like they don’t have families too (with it being assumed that the little woman at home will take up the slack)

The best company I worked for had a saying that went “[Company Name] is a family friendly company, but we expect your family to be [Company Name] friendly in return. They were very flexible. Works better in some sectors than others though.

Absolutely true.

Yep. I went down the route of Emrys but am finding getting a good job really hard . Im now envying those who managed to keep their careers going in one way or another! I have loved being with my children but financially we're a bit screwed!

Totally true ime.
My (mostly child free) colleagues have no idea and expect me to work all weekend like they do.

@sockeatingmonster I don’t think men are expected to raise children like they don’t work though. Everyone’s all confetti everywhere if a dad regularly makes it home for bath time.

I don’t agree with @EmrysAtticus. I accept I can’t have everything. It however doesn’t mean term time only jobs. It means to me not working overtime, not accepting jobs that travel a lot, etc. It means making career choices that will not give me the best advances in career. Taking a slower lane kind of thing. I’m in a full time job, but with choices of working from home, flexible and no overtime expectations.

emrys what do you do?

I agree.

My god that is so true! Thanks for sharing that OP. I run a media company and it’s taken me years of hard work. I’m also a lone parent so have had to really on nurseries and childcare. I got gutted on here when I revealed my DD has been in nursery FT since aged 2. She loves it! I sometimes have to go to different cities for late night events, even different countries. But it’s what I’m good at and it gives my DD a nice life. Spent first 2 years at home so strong attachment with DD. I do 100x more for us than her father does, and she knows I love her so that’s all that matters. He gets to waltz about living a bachelor lifestyle and recieves zero aggro for it! Mothers get dragged through the dirt and berated if they dare spend a few nights away from the kids

And some dads make the same choices to have a lesser career which means home for dinner and bath, being able to go to sports days etc. It will be good if all men make the same choices, then our work places will be more family friendly.

I could not agree more with that phrase.

It's only true if you accept it and don't challenge it. I have the same right and desire for a career as my DH. Having children was a joint decision so I don't see why I have to be the one to take on the majority of childcare or sacrifice my career.

@balloonyellow amazing, wow. I envy you managed as a lone parent with a job that requires travelling. I didn’t manage. It was far too stressful.

My ex criticised my job recently. You're only a . I had to remind him that without me working part time, in a low paid job (worth it for the school time hours), he wouldn't be able to work full time, or at all if his female relatives refused to provide free childcare. He gives me basic child maintenance, and didn't even pay that for years. When he lived here, he gave me housekeep (half of everything, including stuff for ds), which left him with a lot more to play with than me every month. But it always seemed to be me buying stuff for the house, pets etc. If it was my idea I paid, his idea we both chipped in.

He's never once tried to adjust his hours to suit anyone but himself. It was assumed, even when I was doing overtime in my last job, and working the same hours per week as him, that I would organise childcare. I haven't had that kind or freedom or flexibility since before ds was born.

I reminded him that I have the potential to earn a lot more than him per hour, as I did pre ds, that he can't keep a job for more than two years, or get a non labour type job, and offered to go back to work full time, while he went part time, claimed benefits and was the main child career. He just looked sheepish and said no you're okay ta, and left (his face was a very interesting shade of red).

I shouldn't have lowered myself, but I was so annoyed at him.

I work in admin in a school Cuckoo. It doesn't make use of my degrees etc but it's varied and the people I work with are fab and I really enjoy it :)

I think this is true, but I have consciously decided to put my career on the back burner a bit until DD is at least in senior school because my home life is more important at the moment and I am also in the very fortunate position to be able to do so.

I'm lucky that I have the opportunity to work 24 hours a week over 4 days so I can pick her up from school every day and compress my hours into 3 days during school holidays to make childcare easier.

My job is also one that I could go back to full time whenever I wanted. I have been with the company for 14 years though, I know I would be very, very unlikely to get this flexibility in a new company.

No, not really true in my experience.

Both my current and my previous employer have been incredibly flexible. I have always been able to vary my working pattern as required, enabling me to split childcare responsibilities with DH, do school runs etc. I can work at home if dd is sick. If I need to go into the school during the working day for any reason, it isn't a problem.

Similarly, DH has always been willing to share the load at home, so if I've had to work late or go in at a weekend, that hasn't been a problem. My mum and dad have also been happy to help out when required.

I know that some women seem to be left juggling all of the responsibility at home. When there are two parents, I don't really understand this. If men were expected to parent equally, I suspect that many more workplaces would adopt a more flexible approach.

"If men were expected to parent equally, I suspect that many more workplaces would adopt a more flexible approach"

Agree with this wholeheartedly.

The vast majority of SAHPs are women.
The vast majority of part-time workers are women.
The vast majority of lone parents are women.

Women are disproportionately impacted in the workplace once they become a parent.

Women don't choose low paid jobs because they're all angels who just love nurturing the old, sick and young.
Those jobs are low paid because women's contribution to the workplace is undervalued as the assumption is they will take time off to have and rear children. An assumption not applied to men.

And the consequence of women being in lower paid jobs? They're more likely to be the SAHP, whether they want to or not. And the cycle continues.

The gender pay gap isn't just about women and men in the same roles being paid differently.
Its about women being shunted out of higher paid roles as parenting is disproportionately falling to them and what that means for society as a whole.

Whatever your parenting choices, every woman should be interested in a fairer, more equal society that doesn't hand over financial control to one gender.

dameofdilemma Hear, hear! Couldn't agree more. Sadly I doubt we will see much progress in that area in my lifetime..