How to deal with an ungrateful child..

[ANiceLuxury]

Everybody has more than her

The neighbours got more chocolate eggs than her (she got 7)

A neighbour has a nicer bedroom than her (hers was fully done last year and we spent a fortune and she picked everything, even the light fitting!)

Everyone goes on holidays but us (this is true but i do take them out for days out and to play centres alot etc.)

She wants constant entertainment. We could of been out all day and as soon as she gets home she will complain she is bored.

She said to me in the car the other day, ‘why do children have more than me?’

Im so fed up of the ungratefulness. Dh thinks its a kid thing and they are all like this and that i shouldn't let it get to me but it really winds me up.

Do i just ignore her? Let it go over my head etc?

How do i teach her to be grateful for what she has?

I forgot to say she is 6 and my eldest so i have no experience of this.

www.imdb.com/title/tt1262958/

Watch this with her. It’s a great film anyway and not traumatising or anything but puts things in perspective somewhat!

Try to do a bit of a hard reset with what you do with her. Do fun things that aren’t about stuff.

Most dc are a bit on the selfish side so don’t worry too much.

My Dd(6) is a bit like this. It probably depends on her age, but I am not sure it is possible to 'teach' her to be grateful at this age in the way I could with an older child. She doesn't have enough life experience to appreciate what she has that others don't, so when she complains she is bored /wants more etc I point out what she has just had then ignore further complaining

I always repeat
‘Don’t you mean thank you for your eggs?’
‘Don’t you mean thank you for having a clean room?’

Really turns their thinking round

Or watch the original version of the movie of Charlie and the chocolate factory. Verruca salt is a brilliant cautionary tale in brattiness! I've been known to tell my children not to be ungrateful brats when they come out with this sort of thing.

My cousin was like this as a child, and still is. You could give her the stars and she’d ask why she hadn’t got the moon too. Her sister isn’t like that so it wasn’t necessarily my Aunt’s parenting.

I think all kids do this to a certain degree. However, have you always entertained her? Has she learnt to entertain herself?

Maybe, if she says he is bored, then say you will play with her in 30 minutes, so she needs to do some colouring, play outside, play with her dolls until then. Maybe set a timer so she can watch the time.

I do the same as green tulips. It pulls my dd up short and makes her see she is being ungrateful. It doesn't happen often though.

I find this whole thing odd. Children shouldn't have to be grateful for ordinary parenting, and giving children what you can comfortably afford (in terms of time not only material goods) is ordinary parenting.

I agree with my kids that yes Max has more toys than you and Lilly has 2 rooms and an ensuite and Noah has so many games consoles that he uses one as a door stop and is allowed to play fortnite at any time day or night without limits - so?

Would you like to be Max/ Lilly/ Noah? The answer is always no. Some people have more but there's always something that they don't have (maybe not a material possession but parental time or understanding or a sibling or freedom to make their own choices, or something they have which makes their lives harder - often weight of parental expectations or too much freedom/ lack of boundaries because they are bought things to keep them out of the way).

That's life, some people have more, some have less. I don't think giving children unlimited material possessions or time and attention is good parenting - I'm honest with my kids about that.

If they're bored I tell them I can find them a job to do and they soon entertain themselves.

I don't think children have to be grateful but they have to learn to be realistic. I think mine are - they rarely complain and only compare themselves to others when it comes to pets, which they don't have any of and that they can't quite let go. They're k with pretty much all other areas in which they might have less stuff or screen time, having realised that for the most part their friends have it worse in other ways - parents too busy to notice what they're doing or so strict that they're grounded for anything but perfect grades, parents unavailable through no fault of their own due to ill health or other problems, long haul holidays but actually very adult oriented with very little for teens and being expected to be endlessly visibly grateful...

I'd turn it on its head and say yep - that's life. Some children have more than you. A lot of children in the world have an awful lot less. Those who do have more usually don't have perfect lives and aren't always happy - is Poppy with her lovely bedroom always happy, is everything perfect for her?

When my dcs were complaining, one of my stock answer was ‘Actually I think the answer should be ‘Thank you to have taken me to do xxx today/this holiday’ or ‘Thank you to have let me chose so many things in my bedroom so it can be just like I wanted it’ etc....
Worked wonders too for grumbles about tidying up the clean clothes (thank you for washing, drying and folding everything for me) etc....

A reminder of how much they actually have is often necessary tbh.

Children shouldn't have to be grateful for ordinary parenting, and giving children what you can comfortably afford (in terms of time not only material goods) is ordinary parenting.

I dint quite agree there. It’s not that children shouod be grateful because they are children and we, as parents, have done something for them. But more that EVERYONE, children and parents shouod be grateful about what we have.
If we are honest, most of us have a lot. Enough food in the table, peace in the street (so you aren’t worried about the slightest noise ...) a roof over head, Internet, TV, telephones, clothes, days out. I dint think any of that shouod ever be taken for granted.

I tell them, 'you have to look down as well as up. Yes, some children have more, many have less. You have really quite a bit, and it is sufficient. You could get by on less. Do you think we ought to try that as an experiment to give you some basis for comparison?'

Perhaps it's not about being grateful but appreciative of the good things they do have/get.

Perhaps it's more about encouraging to be "glass half full" than "glass half empty"?

I also think you can agree x does have more/better, how does that make them feel? What do think about the DC that have less (they must know some) what about DC that really have very little how does that make them feel?

Their feelings of jealousy are valid and should be acknowledged then move on that appreciation for what they do have matters too?

As a toddler she was brilliant at entertaining herself! I could get on with loads of jobs knowing she would sit there and play with her toys and not be messing with something she shouldn't be.

Then as she got easier to take out with no pram etc i started doing more with her. Then over the years she has expected more and more.

I wouldn't say i do loads with her but i do do more with her than my mum did with me.

If i say to her well do you want to be such a body then (who has more than her) and she will always say yes.

She’s only 6 and doesn’t understand.
When you teach your child about the world they’ll learn to be more empathetic and more understanding. Take opportunities to talk to your child about how fortunate they are and how they can help others even if it’s giving 50p of their pocket money into a collection tin. I don’t mean in a preachy way but just in the way a parent teaches their child about the world around them and connects to it.

My DD was like that at that age always worrying about what she hadn’t got rather than being grateful for what she did have.
We just used to say ‘yes A does have that and you don’t but you do have these other things don’t be ungrateful’.
She’s really good now she’s a bit older (8) and does appreciate what she has and is grateful. Your DD will probably grow out if it too.

RandomMess yes I'd agree with that.

I want my children to be realistic rather than grateful - certainly I don't want them to be grateful to me - that's all sorts of wrong imo.

Grateful to have been born into a middle income family in a western European country yes, or at least appreciative that that is pure luck and doesn't mean that they're any more deserving than a child born into a poor family in an African village, or a slum in India, or in Syria or Afghanistan, or indeed born to 3rd generation unemployed parents who dropped out of school before GCSEs with consequently reduced life chances, or to parents with serious health problems...

Grateful for your fairly privileged place in the universe, in the sense of appreciating the shear luck of being born into a privileged situation, globally speaking -yes.

Grateful to us as parents for doing what you're meant to do if you choose to have children - no, not really. That's a pretty low bar.

Not quite the same thing but DD went through a phase of complaining bitterly about my working. In vain did I explain that it was to put a roof over our heads and to feed and clothe us.

One day I made her watch the documentary "Poor Kids". She saw those children explain that they would not be so poor if their parents had been able to work.

It was remarkable- she seemed to really "get it", possibly because it was being said by children.

I suppose all you can do is keep pulling them up on it.

ANiceLuxury if she says yes do you continue the conversation? Talk about whether that child is always completely happy? Do they have no problems? Are they perfectly perfect in every way?

I always found my kids would say no because so-and-so's parents are really strict and shout at him and ground him if he gets a bad grade in a run of the mill test or doesn't play well in a sports match, X's brother always beats him up and his parents don't care, or y's parents don't even know what he's doing and at least you care (that's a friend of my nearly 12 year old and his response, so perhaps more mature than a 6 year old obviously) or z's parents buy him everything but he's really spoilt and people only go to his house to play with his stuff but he's too bossy and doesn't share so nobody likes him really...)

Perhaps it's luck that the "have everything" kids we know mostly have quite obvious less positive things in their lives!

Does she do things that give Her a feeling of achievement and pride that don't involve stuff, dance class, watering the plants (don't the grow quickly now) , a lovely cake for grandma etc

She's still very young. I think this is fairly normal for a 6yo and as she grows and understands more of the world, she'll have more empathy and perspective. Encourage saying 'thank you' etc but don't push it too much.
We're all very lucky and we all lose track of that sometimes.

Where has she got the idea from that the more materialistic possessions she has, the happier she will be. ?
I'd start with challenging that concept and see where it takes you.

Then explain that people who brag about having lots of things and put a huge value on "stuff" seriously lack most of their braincells any awareness of reality or any awareness of what qualities make a person a good friend.