To want to ask my mum about what my dad did to her

[stripeycushion]

My mum left my dad when I was about 3 or 4. She has told me that he was emotionally and physically abusive to her, and I think he was also abusive to me and my sibling. I'm now in my 20s and working through some of the things that I went through growing up. I know that my mum has told me he was abusive, but as I was so young, my memory is patchy at best. I have no reason not to believe my mum, and from my experience of my dad after the divorce, I can imagine that he was indeed abusive to her. But due to the gap in my memory, there is part of me that almost doubts it. I think it hurts that I feel such uncertainty, that I can't remember. It feels like I have no stability. I've told myself over the years that my dad was abusive, but I don't know that.

I think that I now want to ask my mum exactly what happened. It's not something that we talk about, and it will be extremely painful for both me and her, and I'm not sure if it would be worth it. But I think I need to know. I need that closure, I need not to be in limbo. I need to know, so that I can process it and grieve it and move on. But I don't know how

I think if you can talk to her in a kind and non-judgemental way then she will be happy to talk to you about it. Bear in mind it's very likely she's had other people think/ask what she'd done to deserve it, that he wasn't that bad, that she was exaggerating etc etc.

My xh was abusive towards me, not my dd. She does not know the details and if she were to ask me, I would refuse to tell her. I haven't told my friends all of it, I certainly would not tell my child. If you want to know information about what happened to you, you are entitled to do so, but her story is not something she has to share.

I think it's only fair that you get to ask your mum what happened. I think if I were your mum, I would be expecting you to ask at some point anyway.

It's a big thing that resulted in you not living with both your your mum and dad growing up, so has impacted your life *. I think it is only natural to have questions.

• I am not suggesting that it hasn't been a positive impact, just that you have definitely had a different upbringing to the one you'd have had if she'd stayed.

I am coming at this from the angle of someone who has lost a parent, and now has lots of unanswered questions. I was also brought up in an extremely violent household and wish my parents had had the decency to divorce.

Good luck, op.

OP, you need to tread very carefully because on first reading it sounds like you want to hear all the details so that you can decide whether it was bad enough to justify her leaving your father. And that really, really isn't your place. You are (imo) entitled to know any abuse you suffered, but she owes you no details of what he did to her.

Closure is something we often don't get, and is certainly not something you are entitled to. Especially if, as you suspect, if would cause an awful lot of pain to an abused woman. Sometimes it really is best to let sleeping dogs lie.