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Original poster

Advice needed re grieving

15 replies

Greenhousebug · 21/04/2019 20:14

Hi all.

So, I’m going to be super vague so as not to influence anyone’s opinions. Not that you know me, of course!

My lovely dad died at the beginning of March. He had been poorly for a long time so it was expected and was for the best in the long run. Had he survived, he would have had to go into a care home and that was his absolute worst nightmare. Obviously we are all devastated as he was just an amazing man and we miss him every day.

Anyway. My mum and dad separated a few years ago but due to financial reasons, they continued to live together in the same house but had separate bedrooms. It was a totally amicable split - they were better as friends.

My dad was cremated and his wish was to have his ashes scattered as he didn’t want us to have to go “somewhere” to mourn him. He didn’t mention where he wanted to be scattered so we need to give it thought. His parents were both scattered at a church so we’re leaning towards doing it there.

My dilemma is this.

I have two siblings and obviously my mother (four of us in total). Three of us want to scatter him ASAP as his wish was to be scattered and we think that by doing it sooner rather than later, it will allow us to “move on” quicker. Delaying the scattering is delaying the grieving.

However, one of us is just not ready. We don’t want to scatter him so soon after his death as it would be just too overwhelming. We want a bit of time with him to just get used to him being gone before he is actually gone forever.

Our mother is in the “scatter him soon” group and keeps putting pressure on the “not ready” sibling. The other two siblings are happy to wait until everyone is ready. Our mother doesn’t seem to be able to accept this and wants it done ASAP. His ashes are with the other sibling and we have all agreed to have him with each of us for a little while. Our mum doesn’t want to have him with her - which is totally fine.

My question is: what would you do?

Should the person who isn’t ready just deal with it because the others are ready and it’s just delaying the process, or;

Would you tell our mother to hold off and let the other sibling deal with it in their own way? Everyone deals with grief differently, after all.

I hope I haven’t been too confusing! This isn’t a mother-bashing thread either. I just wanted an unbiased opinion without swaying your views!!

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 21/04/2019 20:18

Can you give the not quite ready sibling a small portion of the ashes to keep? My dm can't decide what to do with DFS ashes, so I've suggested doing 'all the ideas'. A piece of jewellery, a little in a stuffed toy, a little under a favourite plant, some at the various places she's been considering. It really helped her to realise she didn't need to make a 'once and for all' decision.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 21/04/2019 20:23

Spread the love, give a little bit to who needs it now and the rest t9 the rest.

Although, doing the above, Would secrets need to be kept? I don’t do secrets.

TanMateix · 21/04/2019 20:26

I really don’t know if there are some rules about that but I have a friend who wanted to keep the ashes near her so they split the ashes between them and it seems to be working well.

Loopytiles · 21/04/2019 20:28

Sorry you have lost your father. What would he have wanted?

IMO the family shouldn’t wait for the one who isn’t ready for more than a month or two. I’ve seen it a couple of times where the one who isn’t ready delayed ashes being scattered for years, which was unfair on others in the family.

Loopytiles · 21/04/2019 20:28

I also think it’s primarily your DM’s decision.

Autumnchill · 21/04/2019 20:36

We waited till what would have been my mother's 70th so 4 months after death.

Can you wait till a significant date to satisfy everyone?

Original poster

Greenhousebug · 21/04/2019 20:45

Thanks everyone. Much appreciated.

The idea of putting some ashes aside for jewellery etc has been mentioned before so that could be a happy medium.

In answer to LoopyTiles, my dad would have wanted everyone to be happy. He was a very selfless man and if one of his children were upset, he wouldn’t rest until they were happy again. He was a true gentleman. I’m sure he would be happy to wait it out until we were all onboard.

OP posts:

stucknoue · 21/04/2019 20:54

Whilst I understand that people have different ways of dealing with grief, scattering reasonably fast is better in my (professional) experience and choosing a location like a church years means those who wish to have a location to visit can. I have met people who 5 years on are still waiting for the right time and they can't move on

Strokethefurrywall · 21/04/2019 20:59

My younger brother died nearly 6 years ago and his wish was that we scatter his ashes in the places that meant the most to him.
So that meant I got some ashes to scatter on the beach in the Caribbean where I got married (and where I live), his wife got ashes to scatter on the beach where she grew up and he proposed, my sister got ashes to scatter in UK and my parents have ashes that they will have buried with them when they pass.

My sister is the only one who hasn't scattered hers yet, but there is no pressure from us. I'm not sure she is ready to, I don't know when she will be.

I would give each of you a portion that you can scatter as you wish, in places that mean something to each of you as individuals. I don't think it's necessary to all have to agree on one place.
I'm also considering jewelry as I think it's a lovely idea.

I'm so sorry for your loss 🙏🏼

Knitclubchatter · 21/04/2019 21:06

you don't say how old your parents are. my father recently passed away at the age of 86. my mothers attitude was firmly in the move on quickly camp as she had by this age experienced many family members having passed away.
so just because your father was a gentleman, he too may have wanted the scattering sooner than later, i'm thinking the attitude one generation ago is slightly different.
agree with loopy, this should not drag on for the other 3. the risk is if you do it too late in the future everyone's emotions have settled and the actual event becomes less symbolic.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 21/04/2019 21:15

Interesting. Obviously very sorry for your loss, OP. My father died last year but he was still very much married to DM and like you, there are three of us. My DF wasn't close to any of his children and had never had a conversation with us, so it didn't occur to us that we knew him at all or what he would have wanted.

DM said that his ashes would be interred at a church near where they met, where their son is buried.

I agree with PP who say that within reason, this should ideally be completed as soon as possible. A memorable date is a nice idea. Fathers' day is 16 June - too far ahead?

Original poster

Greenhousebug · 21/04/2019 23:02

My father was in his 80s but very young at heart and modern in his thinking. He was very practical and, being an older dad (we’re all in our 30s), he made sure we knew what his wishes were etc.

I think the jewellery idea is the way we’ll go. It has been discussed before and although it’s not what we all want for ourselves, we are in agreement that those who want to do that, can.

I think we also need to mention to our mum that she needs to stop putting pressure on the sibling that isn't ready yet. It’s not fair, in my opinion.

OP posts:

spongedog · 21/04/2019 23:22

I have recently lost my dad and, perhaps like your parents, my parents marriage had ended in everything but name a very long time ago.

We are not a particularly close family but seeing my mum step into the role of grieving widow (minus the tears and real grief) has been a little bit too much at times. We had my dad cremated and I suggested scattering the ashes somewhere that meant something to my dad. My mum has decided that it will be 1 urn to be buried in the village graveyard. Neither she nor my dad had any long standing ties (apart from living in the village for a long time). I am going along with decisions to keep the peace as my brother wont state any opinion at all.

So if you have a sibling, who for whatever reason, cannot progress at the same grieving speed as everyone else, let them have their space. Separate ashes to do with as they want seems a good compromise.

Loopytiles · 22/04/2019 07:08

IMO it’s the sibling who is being unfair, and your DM is expressing her feelings and wishes. Everyone is grieving and it’s hard, but three out of four family members wish to scatter the ashes soon(ish).

Your DF may have ideally wanted everyone to be happy, but in this instance that isn’t possible. PPs’ suggestion of dividing the ashes is compromise, if other family members are OK if the sibling waits a long time to do anything with the ashes they look after.

Witchtower · 27/04/2019 18:20

I agree with a pp why don’t you make a necklace or a special item which contains a small amount of the ashes for them?

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