Dare you ... to amuse me

[MrsGrannyWeatherwax]

I am finding looking after my small child slightly isolating and as baby doesn’t talk and regularly feeds / sleeps that my day is reasonably empty of conversation. Leading to an online addiction (don’t worry I’ll get help eventually) to all social media and MN!

However, I’ll shortly be typing something sarcastic like “think of the children! Why won’t anyone think of the children...” (M Flanders style) or something about being social media ready...

So, does anyone want to tell me an amusing story, joke or random thought?

Mine is: do ducks have arguments about MIL’s overstepping boundaries and so and so wasn’t invited to a wedding....

No, they don't give a quack.

What did the zero say to the eight?

I don’t know - what did they say?

Nice belt.

There are 10 types of people in this world …..

… those that understand binary, and those that don't.

And I’m extremely impressed with myself as I ACTUALLY GET IT!

Poor ducks are getting ripped off for rent by the council, arguing is getting them no where... They’re going quackers...

If you was stuck in a house with a killer and 1 room was safe and they couldn't get you what room would you pick and why?

The bathroom , i always need a pee when i am nervous

Kitchen - you have all the essentials available for life and we have a camera (for dog) so when anyone wanted to find out what was wrong I could communicate via that.

It would be a bit uncomfortable as no seating and the window isn’t bulletproof..... maybe they could get in!?!? 😱

Lol loads of people day the bathroom ... I always pick the kitchen theres food and drinks knives for weapons and the backdoor so i can run for it

First thought is bathroom but you can use the sink.... 😆

What is the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

• A bad marksman shoots, but never hits

Thank you - I’m finally less grumpy with everything! The TV had accepted my apology with good grace (I did have to calmly stare my reasoning that if it was going to show me utterly silly people asking things like “can I look at it closer..” yes you silly billy - YOU PAID FOR IT!)

I’m hoping it’s not just me with a completely random inner monologue...

This morning I put a large Easter Egg on the breakfast table beside my ds’s toast. The table also had the remains of last night’s Monopoly on it.
Called DS (10) in for breakfast. He sat down and said “if you land on any of the stations, you have to pay me £200.”

Three minutes later “What’s with the Easter Egg?”

Uhmmmm.... Must be his preteen brain.

My mother in law was saying how she'd put out four wasps this morning...
I asked her why she was setting wasps on fire.
My nearly 13 year old DS (early preteen) actually laughed out loud, so that alone made my day.

Seniorschoolmum surely you were looking after the egg for the Easter Chicken?

Gammeldragz (clapping wildly) you have achieved all you need today, please accept your applause with grace then get airs and graces... become a megalomaniac assuming you are full of witty and banter-full come backs. Throw them wildly around at every slight provocation - drop the peas on the floor “oh I just peed on the floor” ... laugh at your own genius to irritate everyone and loose it all to start back at the bottom of the cool chain tomorrow ...

(I really need to go out to talk to people... but they might be able to run away)

What is the difference between a dachshund and a costermonger?

A costermonger bawls out his wares on the pavement . .