Getting over my ex advice

[Charlie09]

I desperately need some advice as I’m really struggling at the moment with getting over my ex. I have no one to talk about it as my family and friends hate him.
I’ll try and explain so maybe someone understands and can give me some advice on what I can do.
We have two children together. We had an up and down relationship. He would be really good for a few months and then be really horrible and mean for a few months and so on and so forth. It was a never ending cycle. We were together for 14 years and probably the first person I’ve ever loved.
I’d say I’m very laid back and don’t like to shout or argue and he’s firey and has a temper and is angry a lot.
I have no family around so I guess I relied on and depending on him a lot.
He did a lot whilst we were together. He sent pictures to women when I was pregnant with my first child. He’d private message some mums at the school. He had an affair when I was pregnant with my second child and left for a few months when she was a week old. He told me he didn’t love me or fancy me. When he came back he said he had lied and he did love me.
I’m pretty sure he slept with one of the mums at the school and he also fondled my friends foot when we were all out drunk.
At the behinning I was so affectionate Anschluss I adored him. I would kick him out every etc though whdnbthese things happened but then I’d forgive him and have him back. He’d also get angry if I said things in the wrong tone. He’d say I was ‘perfect me’ and ‘bitch’ etc etc.
And I know even saying all this you won’t understand why I would want him back. But it’s like I’m lost without him and I was never good enough and maybe I should have tried harder. But it was like I wanted to try and he didn’t. When he was good though we got on so well and we were best friends. We talked to each other about everything and so much during the day. I know he depended on me as much as I did him.
Toward the end though we never said I love you etc. We had stopped being affectionate for years unless we were having sex. We are always fine in that department too.
We have been split up 9 months and he’s bedn with his new gf 8 months. I’m worried he treats her better (although I know he’s cheated on her lots). But he doesn’t call her names like he did with me and he seems so concerned about losing her which he never did with me.
Despite telling me how much he loves her he won’t leave me alone. He tries it on with me all the time and when we were amicable would call me 5 or more times a day and message me all the time. He maintained he’d never get back with me though. We’ve now not had any contact for weeks. (Other than him calling me to abuse me two weeks ago). And I hate it. It’s like I need him there and this Easter weekend is torture. I miss him so much and miss being a family. It just hurts so bad. I seem to not he able to get my head around that he really doesn’t want me and he loves someone else. He even looked at weddings abroad on my sons phone. I just can’t imsgine this man out my life and I feel like I have no one.
He also called me fat and ugly and so did his gf (I’m a size 8/10) but she’s like a 6. I’ve asked him to apologise when we were talking and he said no as I am fat. I feel like I can’t move on and I won’t find anyone else. I just want the man back who used to love me and stick up for me but now he sticks up for someone else and says even more nasty things he wouldn’t have ever said before. It hurts he doesn’t care about hurting me. I want all the good things back and my old life back. He’s now with her and her kids all the time and the pain is unbearable. He’s shown no loyalty to me or his children. What can I do to get over him? I thought I had but now feel like rubbish again. I wouldn’t ever tell him this.
Oh and he did send he a message which was just letters from our child’s phone last Wednesday when he had them at 11pm. He had to install WhatsApp on his phone to do it. He sent two messages? Then tried to hack my Facebook account as I had a notification and I’m pretty sure someone (him) tried getting in to the house at 1.30am that same night. Why is he doing all that? Why won’t he just admit he still cares?? I just want him to care and come home.

It’s not him you really want. It’s the familiarity of what you’ve known for 14 years.

Old habits die hard and of course it can be a struggle to move on when for a huge chunk of your life you have known no different.

You have a big open wound that needs to heal, if you let it. Thoughts of wanting him back are like picking at a sore, it won’t heal until you leave it alone.

The added hurt is that he has found a new partner and you haven’t.

That makes you want him back even more as you feel if he left her to come back to you it must be true love. It isn’t.

Not wishing to stereotype but men in long relationships when they split up usually move on quicker than women.

You need to find ways to move on, it’s hard and can be an uphill struggle at times but you will get over him and when the time is right you will meet someone else.

You’ve had an emotional bashing off him for years and as such you are like a little flower in the wind, head bowed and hoping the wind will change direction.

When the right person comes along you will feel the sun on your face and stand tall and strong and get the love and affection from someone who loves, respects and cherish’a you.

All this man has done is wipe his feet on you.

There are self help books such as this

www.amazon.co.uk/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314/ref=asc_df_0143133314/?hvlocphy=9045406&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310973726618&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos=1o7&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-546139229406&hvrand=6246063594346023246

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Myself-Nurturing-Important-Relationship-ebook/dp/B0792SSPKL/ref=mp_s_a_1_fkmrnull_1?s=gateway&keywords=shivani+i+love+myself&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1555786345&sr=8-1-fkmrnull

I know. I think I’m scared of moving on as then it means it’s truly over and I guess a part of me doesn’t want it to be. I never thought he’d ever totally discard me like he has done and put someone else before me. I also never expected him to be ok not being with his own children. He’s disappointed and shocked me in so many ways. I have panic attacks thinking of him not in my life and his choosing not to be and I always wish he’d just change his mind and come home and then all this hurt and pain will go.
I guess I’m also afraid that I wasn’t ever good enough for him. He seems to value these horrible women over me all the time. WHen we first split up he said I was his best friend and he loved me etc. Now he says he never loved me. He’s just so different to how he was to me and I know it’s me feeling worthless and not dealing with the rejection and it’s like I have lost a huge part of he and I don’t know how to do it all on my own. He’s left he to pay a huge mortgage and I work full time and put the kids in clubs and do school run etc. He has them once a week for two hours and one night every other weekend. I don’t even have time to meet anyone else and him and his gf act like teenagers. She barely has her kids and when she dies he’s with them too acting like a family.
I never thought someone could hurt me this much... especially him. I thought he’d always be in my life and I don’t get how I was the one who was treated badly and I’m the one struggling to move on and I did everything for him and he’s still treating he like we were never together and like not the mother of his children. It’s like I don’t exist to him. I just want to get over him as the hurt is unbearable

He’s put you down and emotionally worn you down so that you have no self worth. That way you will always be pining for him which means he can enjoy the power trip and always have you dangling so he can pop round for sex or use you to fall back on if things don’t work out with the new girlfriend. Then he will dump you again for someone else.

Don’t compare yourself to other women, you’ll go insane.

Avoid hearing about him, avoid looking at his social media and perhaps only communicate through email for awhile so that you don’t get upsetting calls and texts from him.

You can climb out of the hole you feel you are in and you will look back one day and be proud of yourself for being strong.

Set boundaries about child visitation and make a routine to suit you. Get legal advice, (Citizens advice bureau or ask on here) about what you are entitled to in maintenance etc and get your finances sorted out.

Lots of posters on here can give you practical and financial advice.

Is it possible to go out with your friends, not in the pull but just to widen your social circle and meet new friends and allow your mind to think about other things rather than him?

Onwards and upwards.

That stomach churning pain you feel will subside, I promise you. It does feel better over time.

Thank you for your responses. I’ve really needed it today. Having a bad day I guess. I just miss him so badly. And it is silly as we split up as all he ever did was shout at me or argue with me. I think he did and does despise me but at the same time I feel like he would hate for me to not be in his life as he hates it when I set boundaries and cut contact. I’ve been told that’s more control than love though. I also hate how he thinks he wasn’t the problem and he’s found someone else and I haven’t and he said it’s because they see how ugly inside and out I am. But he says all this and then wanted sex with me still whilst being with the ‘love of his life’. He’s really messed with my head so much. I just want my family back together or I hope he doesn’t treat her better as seems unfair. All I ever wanted was for him to finally price he loved me but he just proved what I always felt which was he didn’t. It’s been 9 months.. how long does moving on take?

As for how long it takes, I'm sure I read that on average it takes a month for every 6 months you were together. Not sure if that's a load of bollocks or not though.

He does care about hurting. He goes out of his way to hurt you. In fact, he puts a shitload of effort into hurting you.

He is so crass with his manipulation - looking at wedding abroad on your son's phone (so you could see and feel jealous), looking like he really cares about the new girlfriend (big peacock display to keep your confidence on the floor) telling you the girlfriend thinks your fat (why would she care?) even though you are as far from fat as it is possible to be.

He has destroyed your confidence and made you believe that only he can make you feel happy.

He is in no way a nice person. He is manipulative, cruel and controlling. You could be anybody and he would always pretend you weren't good enough as that is how he keeps you close enough to control you.

You ARE better than him because you are a lovely person. He is destructive and cruel.

It’s hard when you wish someone you cared about felt the same or at least would apologise for the hurt/ pain. But he doesn’t care about hurting me. He seems to enjoy it.
I’m having an even worse day today. Blaming myself that maybe it was all my fault and I should have tried harder. I find it so difficult to function without him.
I know he loves this new woman (or so far as he’s capable of loving someone).. as in all he cares about is having her in his life and that’s it. I just wish that was still me.