Thinking of giving up work but worried I'll become a skivvy

[mustdrinkwaternotwine]

DC are 9 & 7. DH out of the house for at least 12hrs a day Mon - Fri and often then working when he gets home & at weekends. I work 4 days a week, out from 7.30 - 6.00 and sometimes have to do more in the evenings. My job is term time only. We have a cleaner & someone who mows the lawn. The DC go to a cm in the morning. Our after school childcare is a teetering house of cards but works - fortunately both children love sport so are happy to do a variety of after school clubs.
So, it all works but I wonder if giving up work would make life better for everyone ... apart from possibly me. The house is a mess and if I was at home I would be more able to stay on top of that as well as do some simple decorating and DIY ... but I'm not naturally a tidy person or particularly house proud so am worried it would just feel like ground hog day. The garden needs time spent in it and I love gardening ... but due to the position of the garden & soil quality & things, it is never going to be an amazing garden. The DC would love to have me or DH more available & around more and I do wonder if a more regular home routine would lead to an improvement in table manners, involvement in jobs around the house & help DC2's educational attainment as he'd be doing his reading earlier than just before bedtime, we'd be able to go over the maths & things he'd learned that day etc. I'd also have a bit of time to do exercise and, by freeing up time for DH, he could do some exercise too or have time for things other than work & slumping exhausted on the sofa. I might also have a chance to see friends - at the moment it feels as though weeks can go by between me seeing anyone.
But what would I do with my brain? I love the mental stimulation work gives me. Would I lose my sense of self? I know I'd lose the peace of mind which comes with knowing that I could walk away from DH if I ever wanted to (unlikely!) and support the DC and I myself. I doubt I would ever get back to this sort of job again if I were to stop now although as recent threads seem to suggest everyone is on £100k, it might not be as hard as I think Would I just feel like a skivvy/taxi service?
In the back of my mind is also the nagging issue that I am not the mother I thought I would be. I am not naturally patient or empathetic or supportive and attempts at, for example, supporting the children at homework or music practice often end in tears. Would I actually be of any use to the children if I was at home with them? When they were younger, on my days off I was always distracted by getting meals ready/cleared up, getting a wash on and always found it much easier to be out & about with them, often meeting up with friends so I had someone to chat to rather than just them. Then there's the problem that, on the occasions when I have been at the school gate every day and gone along to the park after pick up, I find the lengthy dissections of who did what to who in the playground that day tedious.
And is this the wrong age to do it? I can see that they are becoming more independent and will be out more & more without me. What would I actually do then?
On re-reading this, it seems bad that housework and gardening outrank the DC in my reasons. I think that is because the DC are my priority outside of work so the housework and gardening slip. And I also think that the DC will turn out OK in the end - they always get invited back to places!

I’d just increase your cleaner’s hours and carry on working.

Wow, there are a lot of questions that you are asking yourself. I do the same and wanted to give up out of house work a while ago but didn't. Firstly, could you afford it? What about the effect on your pension? Does your dh support the idea?

If all of that is in place, then you have the liberty of choice.

Personally, I an still conflicted as I enjoy work (overall), like having my own money but can see the time flying by. But you work four days per week and have holiday time, that is really good. Could you reduce to three days?

Sorry, not much help...!

If you love the mental stimulation, don't give up your job.

I had 4 days off work recently due to DS then me being ill. I was craving work by the end.

Go part time?

Could you consider dropping a day? Would your work allow it?

I took 14 months off after we moved. Loved it. Found work after that.

Yes, can’t you get some extra cleaning and gardening done? The prospect of stopping work doesn’t seem to thrill you when you deconstruct what you would actually be doing

Looking back, I wish I had spent more time with DD’s growing up.
I worked a mixture of part time and full time during their school years.
During primary school they wanted to see me at school doing sausage sizzles and parents association stuff along with class help.
At secondary school they did not want so much so I worked full time.
They are now independent young women and I am very proud of who they have become.
They did have chores early on and were cooking at the ages of 8 and 9. Responsible for own laundry aged 12. Made sure their end of the house was picked up for cleaners etc.
Now aged 21 and 22 we still have a chore chart on the kitchen door, although this is more for DH as he always forgets when it is his night to do things.
I would consider reducing hours rather than quitting. They need to see that Mum’s can and do have careers as well. Getting everyone to help with chores works as well.
Good luck

I don't think it has to be the either/or situation you describe. You could find a different job to reduce your hours, perhaps, so you don;t need the wrap around care.
Whatever you do, i'd set some ground rules with your DH first, so that if you have a drop in income, you don;t get an accompanying drop in status. He would need to acknowledge your contribution to the family and not let you become household skivvy.
If you only work term time, how is life during holidays? Do you get round to any of the things you think you'd be doing if you gave up work? Do you get the chance to have fun shared experiences with your children, which aren't puttig you in constant nagging mode?
There's nothing wrong with being a working mother if you think that suits you best. Sounds like you just need more hours from the cleaner.

On balance, from reading your post, I think you might regret it if you stopped working. It sounds like work is part of your self esteem and identity and that's a good thing, not something to be ashamed of.

Any chance you could drop to three days? I work three days and I feel it's a really good balance.

You work 4 days a week term time. I think you'd be making a mistake to give up if you find the job mentally stimulating. Plus giving up a decent pension (assuming you are a teacher). Covering school holidays as a working parent is tha hardest bit as well. I recently realised how much I am glad I stuck at my job now the kids are older for precisely the mental stimulation reason, but I have always worked part time and still now only do 4 days. I'd have just wasted time at home and resented being the one doing all the house stuff as I don't find what I do do domestically is appreciated anyway!

Don't give up your job.

You do sound stretched for time though. It sounds like money isn't an issue so outsource more housework. Laundry sent out, a housekeeper to change the sheets and towels and do the ironing, a cleaner that comes more regularly.

Drop one day of the four or shorten your days if you can. You should have time to see friends.

It's a hard one, because the grass is always greener. But if you value your skills, independence and the intellectual challenge then you probably won't be happy being out of the workforce for a long period of time.

It sounds like you really don't think it's what you want, so I think you've answered your own question, really! DH went from FT to PT for lots of the reasons you mentioned, but he is quite tidy and house proud, so having the house in good order and keeping on top of DIY and meal-planning is something he gets a lot of satisfaction from. (Personally, I can't be bothered with it, and get more satisfaction from working, although I'm very appreciative of what DH does.) But there's definitely an element of Ground Hog day for him. Also, like you mentioned, he doesn't have the patience with homework, so that tends to be something that gets squeezed into the short time I have with the DCs before their bedtime. So giving up work won't automatically make your house and family perfect!

Like others, I think it's worth considering dropping hours, but it really doesn't sound like you'd be happy giving up work altogether. So don't!

I have worked here and there while my son was little. I then went back to work full time when he was 13. Thinking it would be okay. It wasn’t. His behaviour dropped. His work dropped. And after a while he admitted he likes me being at home in the morning. And he liked me being at home when he got home to talk to and help with his homework. So. I now work a few hours a week as a cleaner. And I’m there at home for him.

It is his GCSEs next year. I plan to stay doing this till they are over. Making sure he is revising. Sleeping and eating properly.

When these are done I’m going to look for a job with some more hours.

Why don’t you take 4 weeks parental leave and see if you enjoy being at home term-time?

Could your partner look at rebalancing his work hours, they sound excessive. What about if he worked 4 days per week? Surely that would have less impact on your finances than you stopping work altogether? Or one day a week he does a day from home and a bit of housework/school run. He, you and your kids would all benefit. You’d have parents at home 2 days out of 5 and all school holidays. You could get kids to help with cooking/laundry/gardening/hoovering. The one extra day when you don’t need wraparound care would pay for a cleaner.

I think underneatheash's idea is a very good one.

I can relate to virtually all your post but one of my DC is autistic so the trajectory through secondary looks a bit different. My eldest is 12, NT and definitely needing less of my time. Having a parent around 4-6pm most days is valuable but someone giving up their whole job for the sake of that few hours a week seems OTT.

I don't think I'd go straight to being a SAHP but we might need to look at one of us working substantially less, perhaps in a different field. Is there any scope for you to set up a small business yourself, not "all in" but like a big side hustle sort of thing?

A belated thank you to those of you who replied. The weekend has involved much thinking and chatting to DH. I am very excited about going back to work tomorrow after being off for two weeks so I think that proves what just about all of you picked up that work is very important to me.
I can't cut down on my work any more at the moment. I'm not a teacher & this is supposed to be a full time role but I have a very understanding and supportive boss who thought I was the best candidate for the role even if it meant projects took longer than it would do if it was a person doing the job full time. Whilst them taking 25% longer doesn't have negative impacts on the wider team, any longer would do. DH is in a position where he has to put in the hours for the next 2-3yrs and then he might be able to step back a bit. We both acknowledge and have accepted that this means he can't be as engaged as he might be and that he may end up with more time at home just as he's not needed in the same way. Having said that, he can do more than he does and we have agreed various things which will be "his" going forward.
I have also been looking at the option of throwing more money at the problem. A proper gardener rather than someone to just mow the lawn so I actually get to enjoy the garden rather than just do jobs in it; a change of cleaner as our current one is reliable but not that good; an extra freezer so we can have more food in which will reduce the number of supermarket trips; agreement with the children on which jobs will be theirs... and a lowering of some standards by me!

Is it possible to WFH? You could do three days in the office, two days at home - allowing after-school time?

Sorry, I meant two half days at home.

OP - sounds like a good solution to me. More cleaner hours alone won’t fix it but if you are willing to throw money at the problem most of the tasks you have mentioned can be outsourced. You could list all the maintenance/decorating jobs that need doing, group them by trade and either stick them on a site like rated people (I’m sure alternatives are available!) or ask friends for recommendations. A good cleaner/housekeeper who will also tidy as they go might make a difference too.

OP those all sound like really good plans. You could also designate at least two nights a week for easy food. Doesn't need to be rubbish. Nigel Slater's Real Fast Food book has lots of good instant meals. Or use Cook if you have one in your area. Do that twice a week, go out once a week for food, or get a take out or good ready meal, and then you'll only be cooking four times a week too.