Please be kind as this isn’t easy to post. Too scared for AIBU.
Ok, so I don’t want to make this a novel, so I will attempt to keep this brief.
My grandmother is in her 90s, about a year ago she decided she couldn’t walk (fair enough at her age), but then expected to be served as a queen (which she proudly tells people). My grandfather, who was always in great health for his age was lumbered the the majority of the burden, but then myself, my parents, my aunt went in everyday as much as possible to help. It got to the point where my grandfather was exhausted. She would demand constantly. He would make her dinner and have him go back and forth asking for extra bits and bobs (I don’t like this salt, or this spoon, I want more vinegar, I want more coleslaw, can you bring me more kitchen towel etc). He never ate a warm meal and she would just make demands, and even if we were there she would find excuses to demand he do things, and then complain he was too slow, or had fallen asleep etc. She would make comments he hadn’t made her tea all day. We started going in more and more, but still she complained about him.
Eventually my grandfather became so ill and developed heart failure, Carers were brought in at this point, so they still had lots of family visiting daily, including all the neighbours , Carers 4 times a day, plus cleaners, hairdresser and gardener who she paid and called up a lot do do things because apparently she hadn’t eaten all day. So she calls up the gardener, says cries she not seen anyone all week and needs something to eat and then he will go and buy her things and make her tea and she pays him for her time. They all say they know what she is saying isn’t true, but let’s be frank, she gives them £20-£40 a time to just make her tea so they are happy to. If they say the car hast broken down or they are going to buy a new microwave she buys it for them.
My grandfather kept calling her out on the lies and the demands but he eventually died in November. The day he died family were coming in and she was screaming, “why is everyone caring about him, no one cares about me, you’re all ignoring me”. Which would be more understandable if I wasn’t there holding her hand and the neighbour making her tea at that specific moment.
Anyway, this sort of behaviour had just continued to escalate. She had been assessed a few times now and she is sharp, no memory issues, no signs of any dementia or anything like it. It is just the way she is.
She eats constantly, she has fried eggs and toast at 7 with the Carers, then cereal and tea at 8am with my dad, my mum goes at 10 and gives her baguette and salad (sometimes soup or pies), Then she has a dinner delivered at 1130, usually a all day breakfast sometimes a cooked dinner, but it’s huge, more than I could eat. Then Carers come at 1 and give her soup with baguette and make her sandwiches or something for later in the day. Between 1 - 430 my mum, dad, two neighbours visit (and provide cakes etc) as well as hairdresser, Gardner and cleaner who all bring food, Carers again at 5-530, neighbour and my dad again around 6-7, usually with dessert, Carers again at 730 where she often has Rissole and chips or soup and then neighbours and my dad (or more lately or my dad around 9-10 pm. Tea and bread and butter provided then.
She will still tell everyone she never sees anyone, my in laws went to visit yesterday she she told them she was all alone, with no food all day Christmas dad and cried all day as “everyone forgot about her”. She told Carers just this week that we sent the kids over to collect Christmas presents from her with two people from my church (where she gets this stuff I don’t know, we don’t go to church). Needless to say people where there with her almost the entire day.
Anyway, I was very involved, but frankly I just don’t tolerate the lies very well and I have slowly back off, it’s been over two weeks since I went there and I have always refused to be tied to a time slot. Frankly from my perspective she has Carers 4 times a day which is more than most, she doesn’t need constant attention all day and went I was going it didn’t unburden anyone is just meant another person in the mix.
The lies have been horrendous, from being physically harmed by people to stealing money, all have been proven lies, she will hit herself against things to blame people for things (Carers have caught her and documented this). She often calls up the care agency and claims they haven’t turned up when they have. I have been there several times when she thought I left and then calls someone immediately telling them she hadn’t seen anyone all day and his starving (and I’ll promptly shout that I am still there). Her money significantly decreased once my grandmother died so she started cancelling cheques and moving money to make it look like she hasn’t any so she could buy people. She moves money around accounts and then denies it so her bills or cheques bounce. When this happens she will say it must have been the Carers who have taken her money!
Honestly, there is nothing to satisfy this woman and I’ve backed off as my tolerance is at an all time low. The issue is my family are still back and forth, my parents are both last retirement age and exhausted. If they dare plan anything she will cause drama. She has frequently call 999 saying she has chest pain because she is bored, she will make herself sick several times a week too. They have her documented apparently as someone who does this. She done it to the police too. My auntie is no longer involved at all. She has no contact with any of the family (a long story but a major part of it is my grandmothers manipulation and lies).
I just struggle with my families enabling of this, it has caused a lot of resentment, my father clearly thinks I should be more involved, but I’m renovating a house, I have several volunteer jobs, I have 4 children, two with additional needs and one needing a lot of my time as I’m applying or extra school support (statement) which is very admin intensive. I’m permanently anaemic and just really run down myself.
My mum is physically very disabled, a wheelchair user when out, but she has lots of auto immune issues and osteoporosis, osteoarthritis, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis etc. So this is killing her, it’s having a massive impact on her health, but physically I couldn’t do all she is doing. I have a young family to take care of. I feel guilty but I honestly don’t think my grandmother needs all the support she is expecting, I was very involved after my grandfather died but despite that it was never enough, even if I was there for hours a day, she would call mum and tell her she needed to see her. I can’t physically do the early morning or late nights either as I can’t leave the children. When I was back and forth there she would just suck up all my time and send me out for shopping daily and then have neighbours do it to, so she ended up with several of every item she wanted which all go to waste. I know I don’t have huge amounts of patience with her because frankly my kids come first and my eldest is very challenging and demanding. He has ASD and ADHD and it’s difficult, he doesn’t cope with change, he has sensory issues etc, currently renovating the house and he is taking it very badly as things are displaced. I just don’t think I can be everything to everyone, nor do I want to.
We do all live extremely local, like just doors away from each other. Today, she calls and tells me my cat is in her garden and has walked up her drive and onto the road. Now firstly I know this isn’t true because she is in her bed and can’t see the drive. However, my mum gets upset about cats as one of hers got ran down years ago and was stressing about the cat. So my 8 year old went around to see if the cat was in the garden etc. She called him in and he went in to her house. anyway, turns up cat wasn’t out, cat was at home, it was just the Carers had literally just left and she was bored, however I resent being manipulated and having my child upset and told things like “mummy is mean” etc. He didn’t come back as soon as I expected (I saw him leave as I have a ring doorbell) and my dad freaked out on me and went around to see. Frankly, there are no roads and it’s just a few doors away, I have no issue him walking around, he’s sensible enough, but my dad goes into a rant about how I am uncaring. I get he’s exhausted, he’s over 65, still working as his pension didn’t mature as advised, and now back and forth my Grandmothers. I get it, but I’m not sure me getting back involved makes any difference and it didn’t before.
Ok, so AIBU to not get involved? My mum has fallen out with my big time today as she feels I am taking sides. She spent an hour explaining the 9 phone calls my grandmother made her this morning and how she was being difficult and then tells me I am making things difficult by not wanting to get involved anymore.