What to do about 12 year old daughter returning to family home?

[MadameDD]

I'm asking this for a friend - yes really - honestly! My DB is a 12 year old DD's godfather so he's invested a bit in this awful situation.

Situation - DB's best male friend is/was a single DF to 3 DD's from when the youngest was 13 months and eldest approx. 4/5. He is now engaged and has a 5 year old DS with fiancé.

His DDs have contact and stay in holidays due to distance with their DM who has a new SO and a 5 year old DD who is their half sister.

About a year ago his middle DD (14YO) decided she wanted to live with her DM and moved there, in the autumn her DSis 12YO moved there too.

The DM drinks a lot (2-3 bottles of wine a night and is an ex drug/alcohol addict) apparently is using them living with her to enable her to get a larger council house, not sure about the truth of this but that's what has been heard. The DD who's 5 is apparently mostly ignored, sent to her bedroom after school/dinner and is normal (no special needs etc) but cries and says she doesn't feel wanted. The middle DD is treated apparently as a 'best friend' by the DM, they smoke roll-ups together etc and drink alcohol.

The younger DD (12YO) wants to return to live with her DF and his fiancée, her DSis who's 16 lives in the family home and studies A levels now at college. They live in a small maisonette (half of a 3 bedroom in total if this was whole) 1920s/30s' house) - they occupy ground floor but this is a bought/mortgaged house. Since both DD's moving to their DM's everyone has their own bedroom, they had to share before. the DF has his own 'bar' in one room which could be a bedroom. He drinks and smokes - maybe slightly more than usual.

DD12YO is currently staying and wanting to move back ASAP to her DF's house but he keeps on making excuses, first it will be hard to get her into a secondary school, then cost of school uniform too much, then no space at family home now etc. Both he and his fiancée work in fairly good jobs and they could build an extension in their large garden.

There is also a potential safeguarding (I think this is the term) risk as the SO of this girl's DM has physically assaulted the DD's and has had a court order or something taken out on him. He also groped me as a teenager (another story) but I don't mention this too much - don't think he's tried to grope the DD's.

the 12YO DD when she lived with her DF and fiancé about a year or two ago tried to harm her DBro (half brother) and also some kittens but has since apologised and realised why she did this.

My DM and DBro and I saw her yesterday for the afternoon/evening and she spoke to my DM quite calmly and reasonably about her behaviour and is a clever and bright girl.

No one else - DBro or me or my DM - have room or really want to foster her - but what would you do? The other family AFAIK have moved a long way away (Scotland and elsewhere) or can't take her.

What would you do? What can be done? I'm concerned for her but so is DBro as she is his goddaughter.

I'm really sorry OP but I can't make head nor tail of this story. Maisonettes with half rooms? Kittens? So many children! I'm a bit Whose child wants to move back bone? Your brother's or yours?

*home not bone

Confused

How desperately sad for this unwanted 12 year old.

Perhaps you should report to social services?

Perhaps your brother should give his best friend support but with a good talking to thrown in as well?

So she's not safe/looked after at her mother's. Her father doesn't want her or want to give up his space for her.
You,your DM and her godfather (your brother) feel sorry for her but wouldn't take her in either.
All you can do is either work on the father,or if things are really that bad contact SS . It will either push one of the parents hands to look after her properly or she'll go into care.

TL:DR bloke had three dds and brought them up. Then they went to live with their abusive mother. Bloke has another child with someone else and they happily live in a small flat. In the meantime oldest dd happy, younger two very unhappy. Father no longer wants them back despite this.

Is that right?

In which case father is a useless feckless arse - why in Gods name if your brother friends with him?

You can and should phone SS where the girls are. Or at least report your concerns to their school safeguarding officer.

And try and persuade their shit-dad to step up.

titchy You're almost correct - the father had a child with someone else before the 2 younger girls went to live with their mother. The eldest daughter is happily living with her father and his fiancée and the half brother.

I wouldn't say the father is useless at all - I think he's a bit stressed because he's spent almost all all their childhoods bringing them up and they're teenagers and obviously things change then. His fiancée AFAIK is a good role model and future step-mum to the girls, however she isn't their bio mother.

I think I'll tell DB to phone SS or school safeguarding officer re 2 younger girls. and try to persuade their dad to step up - honestly I was a bit re his views changing his mind about whether the youngest DD can return etc. Does he want them unhappy etc?

It was slightly different when his DM (the girl's grandmother) and sister lived locally as I think they would have potentially fostered their granddaughter/niece but that's not an option now.

I’m going to have to get AC12 involved in this as it’s too complicated for me......

NWQM - I don't see the dad much - he's a nice guy but tends to prioritise his own stuff more now.

My DBro would be the one speaking to him - I couldn't - but I'm shocked having a DD myself etc how he can now turn his back on his youngest DD.

I can see the middle DD becoming a teenage mum which is really sad for her.

GunpowderGelatine and BentBastard - yes it's confusing if you are out of this situation but I know little about safeguarding, fostering etc.

But no, not mine and not DBro's DD - it's DBro's best friend's DD.

titchy - the middle DD seems quite happy, she's not unhappy at all. She apparently feels 'grown up' being her DM's new 'best friend' and drinking etc.

This all sounds very Jeremy Kyle and if they were that sort of family I'd almost expect to see them on there.

Oh so the 5 year old is the girls half sibling to a different father and nothing to do with any of this (although again maybe SS / her school) should be aware.

Can't she share with her sister for the time being? Doesn't have to be stressful at all. Sounds like an excuse from the father tbh.

If your brother's friend was any kind of father he would be taking or at least attempting to take both of his daughters out of this situation.

They have been physically abused by the man that they now live with, their mother is abusing them and their half sister. How is any of that acceptable?

I would phone social services and report.

titchy - yes the 5 year old is half sibling to a different father - gosh that's a whole other story...

According to the father etc now there's no room for the eldest DD to share with the youngest.

I did suggest - moving isn't an option - that she share with her DSis for now and they look into loan/re-mortgage/planning etc to build an extension or extend the current one. Their garden is huge. Basically since the DS got to age 5 (he didn't have his own bedroom before or shared) and his younger half sister moved away the priority now is for him to keep his bedroom - and that's understandable.

I just feel the father is putting obstacles in the way of his younger DD moving back, bear in mind that he was really upset when his younger DD moved away to live with her mum. I feel like he's punishing her now or teaching her a lesson which isn't on. I could potentially foster her but don't want to deal with a pre-teenage girl unrelated to me especially as I'm expecting a new baby in the near future.

If the alcohol and roll ups are true then it's a social services situation. But generally teenagers unless at risk can choose who they live with and social services/court will facilitate it if there's an issue.

I don't really understand why you keep talking about fostering. Are care proceedings underway?