How to let go of stuff?

[Foreverlexicon]

Without wanting to write an essay, how do you let go of someone you really care about when they have turned against you and gotten really quite nasty?

I’ve tried to resolve it after giving it some time and it just turned nastier. Beyond getting a bit ‘needy’ I haven’t really done anything wrong. I have reflected on this and apologised but it’s not done any good.

I need to accept this is it and we aren’t going to have any contact and I’m never going to make it ‘okay’. But I seem to be a bit fixated on this as I hate the idea of someone I care about hating me?! Why am I happy to be treated like that and STILL want to make things nice?

I am currently hating my brain.

A little bit more info might help. Who is this person to you? Friend? Boyfriend? Family member?

Why are you fixated on it? Very difficult to say, for a stranger in the Internet. One possibility is that it just feels so unfair, if you've tried to be nice to them and they've rejected it. Many humans get really upset by unfairness.

How to move on? Distract yourself. Get busy. Fill your diary with other things and other people.

I was concerned if I started writing it would become an essay 😂 I’ll give some more context.

It’s someone I had a brief, intense relationship with. It ended amicably to begin with because we wanted different things. We stayed in touch as I wanted to support her through a difficult time. A few days later, I tried to make a constructive suggestion about something in the way we communicate - not critical at all. She flew off the handle about it and became a bit unpleasant.

Left it for a few weeks and then she made contact about some of my stuff. I tried to use this as an opportunity to clear the air a bit as I do still care about her as a person, both of us have some ‘stuff’ going on and I felt pretty close. We ended up having a row, she got quite nasty and gaslighted me about a bunch of stuff.

For some reason my self esteem will not acknowledge that actually, she’s just not that nice a person and I didn’t deserve that, I still want to make it ‘okay’. But that’s not going to happen and all I’m doing is making myself miserable winding myself up about it.

Then just send positive thoughts. ‘May you be happy, may you be well and free from suffering’.

From what you’re saying, you’re grieving. Grief is just a lot of love with nowhere to go. Send it to her just mentally. Eventually it’ll hurt a bit less.

There's a term which I cant remember (helpful) which means what happens reignites sparks of emotion from something which happened in the past. Eg you were little and you heard the door slam as your Father walked out the door and left the family. Now as an adult someone slamming a door has a huge upsetting effect on you. Could it be something like this? The emotions involved are similar to something from your past. If you can understand why something upsets you a lot it is easier to deal with.

Absolutely @bagpuss5 - I’ve actually started CBT because I’ve dealt with this situation so badly and I can see a pattern in me developing unhealthy relationships. There’s definitely some stuff below the surface relating to this. Unfortunately it takes a long time to change that!