Assertive for first time in my life and I’m hating the repercussions.

[TellySavalashairbrush]

I have been a door mat for the majority of my adult life, to the point where I will willingly put even strangers needs before my own. This has resulted in a very drama free but often unhappy life. I’ve taken stock during the last few months while struggling with the second episode of a significant eating disorder and realised that I cannot go on allowing people to take advantage, mainly as it is not setting a good example to my adult dd ( she’s always telling me to stop being too nice)
Anyway today at work I challenged politely a very aggressive email from an organisation we work with. The person was unhappy that I asked for a different worker to help one of my clients (troubled teenagers) as the one he insisted on giving me has a bit of a record for being unable to relate to the issues our clients have . This has led to him making a complaint about me to my manager (who hates drama as much as me and is only here to top up her pension) who then said I needed to apologise. Obviously I can’t share my email on here, but it really wasn’t bad and was factual and not accusative at all about the worker or organisation. I’m now a mess. I just can’t deal with making people annoyed or upset. The man from the organisation has form for doing this with some of my other colleagues but I can’t shake it off like they do. Any advice ?

Well done you for being assertive and doing this! That’s really good you aren’t allowing yourself to be walked over anymore. I’m the opposite of you and don’t take any crap and people get pissed off all the time and that’s just tough and as long as I’m sure I’ve done things for the right reasons it doesn’t bother me at all. That’s a shame your boss won’t back you but don’t spend too much time worrying about it and don’t let it stop you being walked over in future. You and your feelings are just as important as other people’s and don’t let anyone make you think differently!

Take a deep breath! First of all - what exactly is his complaint? You need to deal with this (PITA that it is!) very factually.

If it's just a general "how dare she" complaint, with him not requesting a specific course of action - then ask your manager what you are specifically apologising for?

If he has insisted that he handles the original referral then you need to unpick with your manager why you think he is unsuitable, and ask why you need to apologise for using your professional judgment? And then inform your manager that, in your professional opinion, he is unsuitable and ask her if she is over-riding you and, if so, on what grounds?

Keep calm, keep it factual, keep it professional. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Maybe your manager can explain what you have done wrong? Turn it back on her - it's what she gets paid for!

(Your manager sounds utterly useless by the way.)

thanks so much for the replies. I’m a work in progress I guess! Yes, my manager is lovely but useless. She gets a lot of money for doing very little (perks of being the boss ‘ best friend). You’ve all put me at ease.

The first time you do anything never feels comfortable straight away! Takes time to warm up your muscles and learn to really appreciate what the change is that you've brought about. Breathe deeply - in the long run it's the right thing to do.

In the meantime think of the baddest bitch song in your head and internally sing it with abandon.

Whiners are weiners - the person who put the complaint in about you is an arse. You're getting shit done and sod the whiners!

My mantra is - never apologise and never explain. I'm assertive but I'm not rude. I accept other people's views without judgement. My view is - would this person be demanding an apology if you were a man? Probably not. Well done for being assertive. Don't apologise or back track. If the person is unhappy - that's his circus and monkeys.