What do you want to teach your children that your parents didn’t teach you?

[Whattodowithaminute]

And how are you going to do it?

Budgeting! He's 8 and has a go Henry card so far.

How to manage emotions and have good mental health. I have a family history of mh issues and I want my kids to have the tools they need to navigate the world. I'm a therapist and that helps enormously as I teach my kids the same stuff I teach my clients.

How to be consistently kind. How not to allow yourself to be jealous of your own children. To trust me.

I'm doing it by modelling it!

I parent my daughter to manage her ADHD, to be upfront about which areas of life might be harder, and to focus on areas that will add positivity to her life or let her talent shine. As a child with undiagnosed ADHD I really struggled and spent much of my schooling miserable.

I teach them that there is no prize for being the good guy, accommodating of bad behaviour or putting up with stuff for the sake of maintaining the peace - basically have told them bad people get ahead, and the best way to manage in life is to find your own balance between being a good person and being selfish enough or forthright enough to protect yourself and look after your own interests, be that your worth in a job, your self esteem or the way people treat you etc.

Also to be honest about mental health issues, my family had a lot of mental health issues and addition problems but they were never well handled or talked about. we talk about it, about genetic predisposition, and looking after yourself mentally and physically.. We tend to be very matter of fact, scientific, open. For instance, i no longer see a few family members and my kids know that it is because they are toxic (to me) and that my mental health can't handle it.

I think I am a lot more honest about how brutal the world is, how ordinary much of life can be so that you have to snatch the small moments of joy to build contentment. I try to make them feel secure in themselves and charge them with being responsible for their behaviour. I want them to stop to enjoy that cup of tea or that walk in the park or the snuggle on the couch with takeaway and a movie on family night...because that is life, not the big events - major travel, weddings, births etc...

My parents did a good job but left some holes and had a different approach....can't wait to see what my kids do with theirs to see what I got wrong!

That they are worthwhile, wholly acceptable and lovable as they are, by treating them in ways that communicate that they are wholly acceptable and lovable just the way they are. Self acceptance is so very important for good mental health, resilience and relationships with others, if they get nothing else, I want them to be accepting of who they are.

My parents are wonderful but they believe that the world is as they believe it should be (eg that hard work and responsibility will always be rewarded, that material trappings don't matter, that loyalty will be repaid). I lived in a lovely bubble until I hit secondary school, and had to learn very quickly how the world works outside that safe and priveliged bubble. My parents either still live in it, or are simply in firm denial!

I would like to be a bit more realistic in preparing DS for the world as it unfortunately is, with strategies for dealing with that. While also making his childhood as secure and happy as mine was. Probably an impossible combination in fact!

Love.

That it's ok to take risks.

That they are worthwhile, wholly acceptable and lovable as they are, by treating them in ways that communicate that they are wholly acceptable and lovable just the way they are.

That's interesting, JellyCatsPyjamas - my parents raised me exactly that way, which was fantastic until I hit the outside world and was shocked to learn that many people did not love or accept me (the bastards). I felt unprepared for this harsh reality!

How to handle alcohol.
My parents were strict teetotalers. Of course it made drinking extremely glamorous and rebellious.
As a result both my brothers have or had health problems from binge drinking and I had a few scary experiences in my youth.

We made a joint decision to drink responsibly in front of our children. Wine and beer may appear at the table, toasts for special occasions and we have a drinks cupboard that gets used more for cooking than entertaining. Just so it doesn’t get demonised.

DS is 20 and is usually the designated driver. No signs of overindulgence. DD at 13 doesn’t even like pop, but we’ll wait and see what the teenage years bring...

How to make decisions. They choose their clothes and take turns to choose supper.

That their opinion counts. That what they say/think is important. That adults can be wrong too. That they can achieve anything they put their mind to and are allowed to do anything that interests them. That relying on a man to provide for you is bollocks and to be the best, work, aim high, be your own woman, buy your own luxuries.

My mum was a misogynist to the core.

To take care of their mental health and that it’s ok not to be ok.

That's interesting, JellyCatsPyjamas - my parents raised me exactly that way, which was fantastic until I hit the outside world and was shocked to learn that many people did not love or accept me (the bastards).

Mine taught me that I only mattered in as much as I could keep everyone happy, that my own wants and needs were unacceptable and to be disregarded if it meant other people would be happy with me. Opposite sides of the same coin I guess, but my sense is that life would have been quite different for me had I been able to accept myself as I am.

That they are loved and that it's important to tell people that. To admit to mistakes because they're not the end of the world. To realise that sometimes emotions will come from nowhere and we can let them go. That they shouldn't accept bad behaviour under some misguided impression that being a doormat is the same as being kind. To trust their instincts.

That they have a right to exist, that they are loved and valued, that if they are ill they will be cared for instead of shouted at, that they will not be horsewhipped or dragged down the stairs by one leg.

How to say sorry. My mother never ever says sorry for anything, even when she is wrong, and it has taken me a long long time to admit when I do anything wrong.

Also how to talk about things that matter. My parents clam up when they disagree and wait to calm down and then move on as if nothing happened. I massively over compensate for that and have to discuss everything in great detail with my poor dh! I'd like to find a happy medium so they know it's ok to talk when they are unhappy.

How to cook a few basic meals.

I did loads of baking with my mum but went to Uni and didn't have a clue how to cook dinner for myself.

I try to teach mine how to use their mistakes to learn, and that it's ok not to always get the top mark in stuff, but to want to improve. My parents saw mistakes as failure and it was always a constant battle, until I grew old enough to hide anything that wasn't perfect from them. Add that to never being good enough ("I got an A, Dad!" "Well, why didn't you get an A*?") and it was a disaster for my education. Their motivation was one of high standards and wanting me to reach my potential, and I know they did that from a place of love, but the result was that, in my eyes, I was never good enough, so I stopped bothering. And I haven't ever been good enough.

I want my kids to know that mistakes are how we improve, and that it's brilliant to strive to be better, but not at the expense of our own self-confidence and pride in our achievements. It's a delicate balance and I hope I do better than my parents did.

How to save money and the importance of thinking of your future! My mum was a single mum on a low income so I had no concept of owning your own home or managing finances etc. I always assumed it was an unachievable goal to live comfortably and own a house etc. I haven't done too badly for myself considering, and always think that 'past me' would be so happy to see how things have turned out!

On reflection I think my parents didn’t teach communication, managing conflict, disappointment and anger; my father struggles with his mental health but this has never been addressed. There was lots of boom and bust management of differences in opinion and resentment, avoidance of issues and pretend that all was well in the world. I don’t feel I have great emotional maturity and struggle to teach a better model as I’ve never seen if done well.

To try all sorts of things and dont worry if you're not good at something you could improve. I was awful at lots of sports i tried but my parents just agreed and said "don't worry you were rubbish but we're not a sporty family - you're good at maths!!" And never gave me the idea i could improve or practise to become better.Now i love sports!

That I'm not right all the time.

That it's good to think for yourself and have your own ideas, even if they conflict with your parents.

That discussion leads to solutions and compromise.